Feel free to ignore. This is going to be a rant, and possibly incomprehensible.
I will start by saying I'm physically disabled, I have autism and I suffer from psychotic depression which means I hear voices and hallucinate. A lot going on.
Today my wonderful 13 year old DS went away to Wales with school for the week. He wasn't allowed to take his mobile phone so this is the first time he's ever been away from me where we haven't spoken daily.
I know he needs this. He needs and deserves time to just be a kid instead of worrying about mum all the time. He needs a chance to enjoy himself and I'm so happy he's able to have that. (Thanks to my best friend who paid the money for the trip because his dad refused to help out with the money)
But my voices have started already. Telling me he'll have so much fun without me that he won't want to come home. That he'll despise me for having to help out at home, that he'll resent having to help me around the house.
Now I know my son and he'd never think like that. He's a lovely kid, never causes any problems, is a good student, is brilliant with his siblings.
But these voices just won't let up.
Add to that I'm struggling with pain today so housework won't get done until tomorrow when my mum can get down, I just feel utterly shit.
I've done what I can around the house and my younger 2 DC will help as much as they can too. Its just frustrating and I'm being told I'm useless and this is why my kid hates me etc etc.
I'm fed up of it. I wish I could have one hour without pain and without the voices. Just one hour. I can't even nap because I'm having nightmares that something bad will happen to my son and I cant get to him.
Anyone fancy coming and cleaning my house for me? Or even just coming for a cuppa and a chat so I can get this out. (I know no one can actually be here. Like anyones going to just turn up at a randim strangers house to ckean it for her. So just virtually have a brew with me)
My care coordinator is off sick and my therapist is off on compassionate leave. I think I'm going to have to call the duty team, but I feel bad because what if someone worse than me needs them and I'm taking up their time instead?
Argh. So many thoughts flying around in my head. I cant think straight. I hate this so much.
Anyway if you've managed to read and understand all of that and you decide to reply. Thank you. I mean it. I dont know what I'd do without the little people who live inside my phone.