Does anyone else feel bad that a "career" just passed you by

[ExtraPlinky]

I suppose it's a bit of a bolster I need but I'm sitting here a few weeks shy of my 49th birthday - feeling a bit rubbish because the career I thought I would have never happened. My path to no career is roughly the below:

Childrens home due to domestic violence from age 12 to 18.
Mental health issues all through my twenties, several suicide attempts. Was a talented artist but did any job that came along out of desperation.

Stopped and started uni - had a mental breakdown and ended up very sick for a year. Still worked in crappy part time jobs to get by.

Worked for nothing for years trying to get a step up in the arts - I was a skilled set designer - but ended up molested by a director.

Worked any and every job I could get, did hundreds of evening classes.
Tried loads of different types of work to support my creative work.

I'm now realising I am autistic and so have lots of struggles with how I learn. I also have severe PTSD from seeing my father nearly beaten to death.

Horrible relationships in my twenties that led to severe trauma.

Had my daughter 14 years ago - she's also autistic and brilliant and the light of my world. Worked part time low income around her childcare - split with her dad at age 2.

Last job I was in I was bullied by my manager and forced to leave. Now I do part time bits and pieces but constantly feel like a failure and anxious.

So here I am not wanting a career because I need to support dd who has long covid, but also generally feeling shitty and tearful.

I'm finishing my degree this year after a lot of deferrals and stops and starts due to bereavement, sickness etc. My marks aren't going to be great as there's been so much disruption and my essay writing skills are poor. Instead of feeling proud of myself I just feel embarrassed and stupid. I do have a good skill set but I think I've just suddenly woken up with a loss of confidence and feeling like I have messed everything up.

All I want really is to have a non stressful job and to be able to be there for my child now.

Sorry for the pathetic vent. Looking at that all written down I think I never had an idea of how to really manage all the setbacks but somehow kept hoping. Monday mornings feel hard.

Did anyone else start a career later in life? Is the idea of a career something that is unrealistic really... am I being too set in thinking it has to look a certain way? I think I need to let go and grieve for what I hoped my life would be career wise and try and reframe it all so I can move forward. Today I feel stuck and stupid.

Any books or podcasts or other self help ideas are welcome please!

Whoa you are being so hard on yourself here. Look at what you've written, you are an amazing woman, an amazing mum and a survivor. You've already achieved so much.

Congratulations on your degree and I hope that things feel easier as your dd grows up, because you'll have more free time to pursue what you want (and also when your degree is finished) and I hope that you can work on your own confidence and come to see all you've achieved.

I don't think it's too late to have ambitions and hopes for your work. My mum didn't really settle into a career path till her fifties- she spent the pandemic giving her lectures over zoom.

I am recruiting at the moment for what will be an entry level job but with several potential career paths and I would be open to anyone of any age applying (and I am sure I can't be the only one)

Keep being open to opportunities, and looking for them in different places. There may be roles where you could really find your niche

Please read back what you’ve written, you are incredible and have achieved so much already!

It’s not too late if you want to continue working towards what you want. My mum didn’t start her career until she was 50!

A good job is great and everything but bloody hell, you have survived in areas that far outdo anything you will find in a job. I don't know about self help stuff but maybe take some time to read back what you wrote and see what you have achieved just through living this life. That is enough. You are enough. Just now as you are. You don't need a career to validate that. you just need to learn that you are ok right now doing what you are doing and just being you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. All those small jobs you mentioned will have given you experience at many things and could open many doors for you. It's not as if you have sat around doing nothing, you have worked and not given up on your education. That shows you have resilience and determination and those things can't easily be taught.

You have amazing sticking power and resilience OP

I have also had a bumpy work history also due to mental health issues. Child care issues etc.

I started retraining in my mid thirties but until now I’ve been out of work more than in and crashing from one unsuitable temporary post to another.

Then at forty five I have finally just properly started a real career by getting my dream job at last. It’s going great and I intend to stick here until I retire. It can happen!

Thank you so much for these responses. I really do need to process and readjust my path - and what I was able to do vs what I hoped I would do - try and find a way to consolidate the gap between those things.
Most important are the people in my life - my family, my daughter. I'd rather spend time with her than anything else.

You can absolutely have a career! You’re obviously very resilient and self aware too.

Lots of autistic people benefit from coaching when considering these things. I’m autistic and I’m also a coach so happy to talk to you if this is an option you want to explore.

1 you are being too hard on yourself, just staying together after what you have been through is a huge achievement! 2 it's not too late, with so much life experiences and maturity you'd make an excellent therapist or counciller if you were so inclined.

And a career isn't everything. I have the career but I'm not overly happy, I'm stressed out, can't give my all to my kids or my job, and certainly there is nothing left over for me and no social life. But I have to keep on going as too many ppl relying on the money I make. Stresses me out.

@ExtraPlinky I think you have shown guts and determination. Haven’t had this experience myself but wanted to say well done and keep going!!
My dd is on the pathway for ASD assessment and she struggles with resilience against life’s knocks so much. It’s so hard to see. I hope she develops this as she gets older.

I think I really need to redefine what a career is supposed to be.
Like we've been sold a pup.

And it's interesting because my dd is really stressed because she is having to start think about careers now - and we have these long rambling exploratory conversations about finding work you love and being resilient and not being too hard on yourself...