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Original poster

"I don't want to go to Dad's"

21 replies

CheeriosOrFrosties · 06/02/2022 21:24

My DS is almost 13. His Dad and I split up 5 and a half years ago. We have approx a 50/50 split of childcare and there is no court order.

Pretty much every time DS is due to go to his Dad's, he gets grumpy and says he doesn't want to go. He always does go, and I think he is ok when he is there, but without fail he says he doesn't want to go beforehand. When he is due to go for longer spells of time (5 days in a row) then he is particularly unhappy.

He has ASD and acts much younger than 13, so he is not desperately independent (I wouldn't trust him to cook himself some pasta etc as he doesn't have brilliant motor skills) and although he gets the school bus to and from school, we drive him to and from the bus stop (about a mile and a half away).

On the days that he is with his dad (always the same 2 days during the week) I work, and I work during school hours on the other days so I can be flexible to take to/from the bus stop.

ExH was adamant that the kids (my other DS is 10) needed to be with each of us 50% of the time, so any change to this will not be supported by ExH.

I don't know what to do for the best. I don't know if I should still be supporting DS to go to his Dad's regularly, or if by a certain age he is ok to decide where he stays. Of course this would have practical implications for me as I have no idea how he would get home if I wasn't there to pick him up, and I can't afford to drop hours at work.

What is the norm for children with divorced parents?

OP posts:

Musicalmaestro · 06/02/2022 21:36

If he is OK when he gets there, I would continue as you are OP.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/02/2022 21:38

It sounds like he struggles with the transition, not spending time there. Transitions can be really hard so I'd focus on making those easier. If he is OK at dad's, it's probably not that.

Musicalmaestro · 06/02/2022 21:40

He is uncomfortable about a change in his routine, but it's important to keep the relationship with his Dad.

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coodawoodashooda · 06/02/2022 21:40

I'd say the two siblings have to do the same thing.

Original poster

CheeriosOrFrosties · 06/02/2022 21:48

Yes, he does struggle with the transitions (and always has) but I don't know how to make them any easier. At the moment they mostly get taken to school by one parents and picked up by the other. We used to have a routine where one parent would drop off to the other, but he was just as unhappy then as well saying the same thing. So I don't know how to make a transition any better?

OP posts:

Bootskates · 06/02/2022 21:49

I would encourage him but if it got to the stage of him really digging his heels in then I would suggest a sit down with dad to see if something could be worked out.

Do you know if the same happens in reverse? When he is settled with dad he is reluctant to come home?

Original poster

CheeriosOrFrosties · 06/02/2022 21:51

@Bootskates

I would encourage him but if it got to the stage of him really digging his heels in then I would suggest a sit down with dad to see if something could be worked out.

Do you know if the same happens in reverse? When he is settled with dad he is reluctant to come home?

No, it doesn't happen in reverse. And when he is with his Dad I get messages saying I miss you and I love you and I want to be with you. He never sends those to his Dad.

OP posts:

Bootskates · 06/02/2022 21:54

Bless him. Seems like it may not just be the transition (just thinking as if it was me at 13 it would be a case of I cba moving...both ways!)

Do you know what DS's ideal schedule would look like? Could be a starting point for discussions

Original poster

CheeriosOrFrosties · 06/02/2022 21:56

@Bootskates

Bless him. Seems like it may not just be the transition (just thinking as if it was me at 13 it would be a case of I cba moving...both ways!)

Do you know what DS's ideal schedule would look like? Could be a starting point for discussions

It's difficult to get much out of him with regards to what he wants, his stock answer to most questions is "I don't know". I've tried to ask that before but not got very far. Sometimes he says "I just want to be with you" but can't elaborate on how etc.

OP posts:

Goawayangryman · 06/02/2022 22:00

Be careful of diagnostic overshadowing... I.e, it might actually be that he does not want to go to his dad's and it's too easy to ascribe it to problems with transition that are common in ASD.

How is his actual relationship with his dad? Family dynamics? Is his younger sibling favoured? How does younger one feel?

Goawayangryman · 06/02/2022 22:03

But I totally hear you on the "I don't know"! Ds does not have an ASD diagnosis but does have anxiety and is very unfamiliar with voicing his feelings. To some extent you have to intuit in his case from more physical signs (feeling sick etc).

Original poster

CheeriosOrFrosties · 06/02/2022 22:08

Younger one prefers to be with his Dad - he has told me in the past that he loves his Dad more than he loves me! DS2 and his Dad are very similar in many ways and have a lot in common, and when we were together DS2 and his Dad used to do a lot together whilst I dealt with DS1. That was really the dynamic whilst the family unit were together.- me with DS1 and ExH with DS2 because DS1 just refused to do anything with/for his Dad.

DS2 doesn't complain about coming here (not that I know of anyway) but will vocalise to me that he is looking forward to doing X, Y and Z at his Dad's house. Which I try not to get too hurt by and try to spent uninterrupted time with him each evening when DS1 is busy with other things.

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 06/02/2022 22:12

Perhaps ds 1 can stay with you more and D's 2 stay with dad more? At 13 he is beginning to be old enough to have more of a say in it.

Goawayangryman · 06/02/2022 22:54

Hmm. I have a similar dynamic and there is a definite element of favourite child at dad's. It's easier to be closer to a child who is just like you. It seems that your eldest's bond with your ex isn't great. I'm not sure that splitting the siblings is the way to go personally but I don't have an alternative suggestion..I think I'd be minded to keep things as are and work damn hard with your youngest at cementing the bond. Maybe actually whilst ex has your elder child.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 06/02/2022 23:07

I have similar op (mine is DD, 14 and had her autism assessment next month but it's pretty much a forgone conclusion). I also have an 11 year old neurotypical DS who goes to their dad's v happily. It's really Hard I know. I used to have so much of this and she generally seems fine when sees there. The one thing that seems to have helped is me saying that all arrangements between her and her dad operate between the two of them and don't deliver any messages. It keeps her (v strong) attachment to me out of it and she no longer pleads with me not to go. Ie .. he messages or calls Her and says 'ok I'll meet you at x 3.30' and she agrees. Then the arrangement is more between those 2 and she doesn't involve me or rally against it nearly as much. She definitely struggled with the transitions but I find the less I get involved (even though it's always well meaning)!The better their r'ship is and there is less resistance

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 07/02/2022 08:26

If he is fine once there, I'd try to jolly him along and would keep contact as it is for now.

If your other child prefers being at Dad's, perhaps he could spend more of his time there?

Waxonwaxoff0 · 07/02/2022 09:15

I chose to stop seeing my dad when I was 11. He was a terrible father though so perhaps a different situation. How is his relationship with his father?

bonfireheart · 07/02/2022 09:19

OP, my DD is same. She doesn't have ASD, but would go in her room, scream, cry and behaviour so unlike herself cos she didn't want to go.

What is the setup like at their dads? Do the have their own rooms, space, games etc that they like? I think DD hated it cos she didn't have any of that and she likes her own space whereas exH and his family were all too much for her.

Whitney168 · 07/02/2022 09:27

I'd be amazed if most kids didn't hate having to leave their main home for half the time by this age. Always seems very unfair on children.

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 07/02/2022 12:12

@Whitney168

I think hate is a strong word! I am sure there are some that hate it and some that like it. It completely depends on the situation/non resident parent's relationship with their DC. Most of us would never have chosen this situation as it's not ideal but I think it's important to acknowledge the positives too and it's not as simple as them all hating it.

pupcakes · 07/02/2022 21:19

I'm in the same boat, my 11 year old has recently not been wanting to go to his dads, despite always being happy and having fun when he's there. He didn't go for the entire month of December because I wasn't willing to force him- he didn't have a reason for not wanting to go, he just kept saying he wanted to be with me. His dad wasn't happy, but came over for dinner in the week so he'd see him. After Christmas he just started going again.

Unhelpful but I feel you, it's hard.

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