Can’t say it in RL. Can someone here listen?

[GiraffesInSpeedos]

It’s Sunday evening again and our home is once again in turmoil as it is weekly.

DC has ASD with a PDA profile and severe anxiety; they hate school. Detest it. It causes severe anxiety but they won’t accept or engage in any form of support (secondary aged).

The verbal abuse stemming from said anxiety starts in the pm and carries on right through to the next weekend. Daily screaming, shouting, crying, refusals to do simple tasks; morning and evening.

I’m told daily I’m annoying, I don’t understand them, I can’t do anything right for them, I hate them. It’s constant and the list is endless.

Then there’s DH , also autistic and hasn’t a fucking clue how to handle DC. I’ve told him REPEATEDLY, over and over and over again to just fucking let things go and talk to DC later when they are calm. DH can’t seem to grasp this and we end up rowing too.

An example, DC was crying and shouting because dinner was not ready on time (this is anxiety based around lack of control) . DH asked DC what side they wanted with dinner. DC screamed “what do you think?!!!” (they have the same each evening). Instead of walking away and coming back to it DH bellowed “don’t speak to me like that !” . All this did was infuriate DC more and the screaming went on for longer and louder. I again told him that if he walks away and lets DC calm down he can re visit it later. But no , DH has to rant about how he will not be spoken to like this and DC needs to be told . He can not seem to fucking grasp that he can address it later. EVERY FUCKING TIME !!! He does it constantly and it ends in a row. I’ve tried talking to him away from the situation, he agrees and then does it all over again.

I am so worried about how our household is perceived to others around us as DC just constantly shouts and screams. It’s very stressful.

I’m also fed up of being a prisoner at home. DH works in the evenings and has hobby time during the day before his shift starts. I WFH during school hours. DC will not leave the house so I am stuck in all week and on weekends DC is so exhausted from school they won’t leave the house at all.

We have no family support, no respite , no childcare. It’s just us.

I fantasise about moving out to my own place and visiting them daily so I don’t have to live in a fucking war zone. I love my DC dearly but it is sometimes so very difficult.

I will be ok, I have to be. I just need to vent as I have nobody in RL to vent to because nobody understands what our reality is.

That sounds very tough.

How old is your DC?

You are absolutely amazing to be coping with this as you are! Leave DH with the kids and go on holiday before you lose the plot entirely. Maybe they behave as they do because you’re there to make it easier for everyone (even though they make you feel like you do the opposite). Leave for a bit, calm down, and let them learn the hard way

Tbf to your DH, I wouldn't be spoken to like that either, no matter what it stemmed from. ASD isn't a green light to be rude and disrespectful.

@nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut I don’t disagree, but bellowing at a screaming teen just makes it worse. I’m simply asking him to address it when DC is calm and able to talk. DH doesn’t get that part of it. It’s just lots of shouting back and forth.

@LlamaLucy thank you; I don’t feel amazing. I feel like I’m doing ok but I wonder sometimes if one day something will just break inside of me . I don’t know how I’ve gotten through the last few years still intact. It is daily stress and I’m often walking on eggshells as the slightest thing will set DC off.

@PotteringAlong DC is almost 13.

My DH is the same with our son (albeit he's a lot younger) DH just can't cope - undiagnosed autism to some extent so DS just massively pushes his buttons. DS is ADHD with other medical issues.

I must tell DH 10+ times a week not to engage with DS when he's having one of his meltdowns but he still does.

So bloody frustrating. I hear you!

I doubt it will change things, OP., and you will have tried everything but have you asked your DH just after the screaming back and forth stops how well the 'screaming how dare DC talk to me approach' worked?

If he thinks it did then ask him it he would recommend you to join in?

He might not have any insight but it might retrospectively book end the proactive 'leave it and come back later' advice he won't follow to try and help him realise how it is making things worse?

If it won't sink in then ask him if he enjoyed making things worse and, if not, then why did he as an adult choose to make a bad situation worse?

Good luck.