Has anyone figured out how to handle conflict better? If so please help with work situation!

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I have a problem with conflict and it may affect me handling a problem with my boss.

I find it hard to trust (childhood experiences, etc) and when I do let myself trust it feels very special and every piece of bad behaviour by the other party feels like a betrayal. I tend to “partition” my relationships.

I’m a lawyer which is very therapeutic - other people’s conflicts are easy :). I’m very good at what I do. I’m also a great mentor to younger women.

I’ve been self-employed for most of my career but over the past 6 years have done more and more work for a firm run by one very decent entrepreneurial man. When the business got to big to continue without a structure, I decided to trust him and accept employment. He’s appointed me head of department with responsibilities and targets and subject to a review in 9 months.

Said boss is going through his own adjustments right now and recently behaved badly/misguidedly, seriously undermining me in the process. I have a legitimate grievance and a genuine need to provide feedback.

But how? Without all the emotions tumbling out?

Any experiences, tips, books, anecdotes, musings, etc gratefully received wise Mumsnetter. Especially any bosses :)

Also can you post anonymously on “ask a manager”?. I’ve heard it mentioned.

Can you structure the information as if it’s a work case? Look at the facts only and no feelings. Imagine it’s on of your female mentees you’re advising on how to tackle this…

Hi,
I'm a senior associate in commercial so I can probably relate to your working environment to an extent.
IMO you should probably deal with it informally first. It sounds like you both have an otherwise good relationship. Maybe ask if you can have a chat with him separately and just explain how you feel. 9/10 times people don't realise how they've made you feel and he'll probably apologise and be mindful in the future.
If that doesn't work, then think about the formal grievance.

Lowly, I’ve absolutely been trying to do that. It works up to a point but then it’s like a make a good point but then feel the hurt child wanting to tumble out iyswim....... so there’s a risk of being “emotional”

Sunshine, ideally I would do that but I’m worried the words will come tumbling out after the rehearsed point has been made iyswim

You've extrapolated a fair bit there, don't list any anonymous stuff, take it up directly if you have an issue.

Could you just fleshthat out a bit party? I’m not quite following

I guess the point is that “dealing informally” and “taking it up directly” and the things I don’t have a track record of doing well.

It’s so much easier for clients!!! #itsdifferentwhenithappenstoyou.

...are the things....

I'm guessing you can easily do this for clients because you're not emotionally invested in their scenario / outcome, so... how about a bit of role play, act as if you're speaking on behalf of a client (obviously I don't mean start referring to yourself in the 3rd person as that would be bonkers!)

Have a clear plan of what you want to say and also what outcome you would like to achieve.

Stick to the main points, no additional padding out, and really think before you speak, you don't have to allow words to come tumbling out, you really don't.

Now this might sound a bit bonkers but bear with me!

Back in the early days of my career, I had an alter ego who would 'perform' on my behalf, I was rubbish at public speaking and my job involved a lot of it, my alter ego loved it, I don't need her anymore but she helped out a lot back then!

I also 'hide' behind my glasses when I need to have a tough conversation, it's like a little barrier between me/what I'm saying, and the other person - again, sounds a bit nuts but it's just a little prop that seems to help me.

I know you’ve said you’ve tried to structure it as a work case and emotions get in the way. Could you try working through it as though it’s you talking with a client, playing both parts? Write out everything you feel, including all the emotional stuff and then be the lawyer looking at what can be remedied? Getting it all out on paper can be cathartic.

This is good advice, I appreciate it. Loving the alter ego!

Have talked it through with another friend today who has experience as a business owner.

I think I’m grieving for the lovely relationship I’ve till now with my now-boss. My friend reckons the new structures in the business mean that change is inevitable - he is making some errors executing that change but the real issue is whether I want to be part of that new larger business - whether I’m hungry for it.

All is good with my own family at the moment so my job is to process the scale of that change. I may have a fancier job title but I need to make my peace saying goodbye to the old business.......

If I can process that then the words won’t tumble........

Dumb question- do lawyers take into account repairing relationships when they advocate? Outside of contract law (pre signing) I can't think of occasions where lawyers are trying to protect & grow relationships between adversaries

Lljkk,

A great lawyer is assessing the relationship between the parties from the word go.
You have to figure out quickly whether relationship is repairable and if not what emotions that brings out in your client.
Also, Most people can’t negotiate well unless they are being authentic. So virtue is its own reward.
Inexperienced lawyers, ones practising defensively and dicks don’t think this way. Their idiocy/childishness/insecurity then becomes another piece on the board.
By contrast, if I have another great lawyer on the other side we cooperate to create peace as quickly as possible.

Generally, I aim to talk through an issue like this with a coach, to get all the feelings out, because then it's easier to treat it with a cooler head.

I try and consider the long game: is it more important to prove I'm right / get an apology, or is it more important to re-build this working relationship making sure everyone learns in the process? That helps me decide what is and isn't worth raising.

Finally, I have three statements pinned up on my desk:

• you will make mistakes
• your intentions are complex
• you have contributed to the problem

I find them very helpful to avoid polarising my view of a problem. I think they come from a great book on giving and receiving feedback.

For example, if a team member dropped me in it by only sharing new info in front of my boss. Clearly I'd be deeply unimpressed. But I'd also try and consider - had I been less available to them than usual so they hadn't had a chance to tell me / had I made them fully aware of the context so they'd understand the implications of that new info / what is my part in making sure it doesn't happen again?

Neutral that’s superb advice thank you.
If you are able to pm a coach recommendation and/or post the name of the feedback book that would be great!

What is my part to play in making sure this doesn’t happen again? Is v helpful.

I havent read the full thread .. sorry ... I'm rushing but didnr want to not reply.
Sometimes it can be helpful to allow the emotions out somewhere safe first.. do u have a counsellor or someone you could do that with? If not .. could pe would you consider... . It will have benefits beyond this immediate incident.
Hope you find a way thru ...

This is the book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Thanks-Feedback-Science-Receiving-Well/dp/0670922633/ref=sr11_1?crid=24U2I5TL2DUSS&keywords=thanks+for+the+feedback&qid=1644172582&s=books&sprefix=Thanks+for+the+%2Cstripbooks%2C70&sr=1-1

Difficult Conversations: how to discuss what matters most is also excellent

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Difficult-Conversations-Discuss-What-Matters/dp/0143118447/ref=sr11_2?crid=3K3DLX96C5D4T&keywords=difficult+conversations&qid=1644172698&s=books&sprefix=Diffi%2Cstripbooks%2C57&sr=1-2

thank you!

the preview to the feedback book is very tempting!

I think I've finally "got the emotion out" on this one

Phew!

today was the first morning I didn't wake up feeling anxious and resentful about the situation.

Just another thank you.

I’ve now talked this through at length with friends and peers at work know about it because it was having a structural impact.

It’s taken a month(!) to be able to articulate that this is part of a very challenging big project at a time of huge transition.

I’m going to propose that I step up and take more responsibility for the issue in question. My boss isn’t close enough to ground level any more.

I've done some training on giving effective feedback. We were taught to follow a structure like:

1. Describe what happened
2. Describe the effects
3. Explain what you would like to happen in the future

We were told to only give negative feedback in private, keep to the specifics of a concrete situation - don't generalise or speak for other people.

I find the structure helps me formulate what I want to say a lot. You could try it out, writing it down first. But do it gently in person if possible.

E.g. Bob, you remember when we were talking to client X and you said "blah blah blah". I think it may have given X the impression I don't know about Y. In the future can you "casually' mention my expertise in Y, so that client X feels more secure in my handling of their work.

The bit to focus on is the third bit : the outcome that you want out of things. What, specifically would you like your boss to do? Make it easy for him to do it by spelling it out.