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Original poster

Fuck me I am so fucking exhausted

44 replies

UpToMyEye · 05/02/2022 20:24

DS(6) has some as of yet undiagnosed additional needs
Adhd, possibly more, massive sensory seeking behaviours which mostly manifest by screeching and screaming all the time

School is hard for him, really hard
Each evening he’s a screaming, crying, violent mess, by Thursday evening he’s completely unravelled, Friday he’s ok-ish as he’s happy for the weekend, but the weekends are hell
Until Sunday night when he’s adjusted and calm, then back to it on Monday
And so the cycle restarts

I am so exhausted

I have three other children besides him and our entire life seems to be spent trying to prevent or trying to bring him out of a meltdown

No purpose to this post really, it’s been a horrendous day and I’ve just finally got him into bed (only possible due to melatonin) and I have until he gets up at 5am to exhale before we start the screaming and tantrums

Fuck me this is hard

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 05/02/2022 20:36

That sounds incredibly tough Flowers

SpinningTheSeedsOfLove · 05/02/2022 20:36

Bless you, that sounds hard. Flowers

And there's so little 'support' from anywhere and anyone. People would be amazed if they knew how few measures are available to parents of children with additional needs in practice and reality, as opposed to in theory / on paper.

LittleOwl153 · 05/02/2022 20:47

Are you getting any respite. That would help both you and the other kids if it were available.

Sounds horrendous though OP.

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6 year olds Families
Original poster
UpToMyEye · 05/02/2022 20:56

Thankyou for all the flowers
It’s nice to just have people acknowledge that it’s hard

No respite really, my Mum will have him occasionally but she finds it very upsetting
No help from any professional services yet either, I’m hoping after an official diagnosis there will be something- I’m not sure what but hopefully something

I feel so sorry for him he must be absolutely exhausted feeling so distressed so often
He came and lay on me earlier and buried his head in my arm like a puppy and just cried and cried
I just wish I knew how to help him

OP posts:
Serenschintte · 05/02/2022 21:05

Could you homeschool? Maybe at the moment school is too much.
I have heard that kids with additional needs are 18 months to 2 years developmentally younger than their biological age.
Maybe he just needs a rest from school and to play more - within a structure.

Serenschintte · 05/02/2022 21:06

Also do you have a weighted blanket? That can be very comforting

gemloving · 05/02/2022 21:09

It sounds very hard. No advice but I hope it will eventually get better and you get a diagnosis to get help to help him. Sending hugs Thanks

QuiltedHippo · 05/02/2022 21:12

I'm so sorry, that sounds very tough. I'm shattered with a tricky baby right now but I have the hope that things will soon get better to get me through - to be dealing with this at a time when other parents don't relate and you don't have answers must really add to the stress Flowers

DSGR · 05/02/2022 21:20

You poor thing, this sounds so incredibly tough. I hope you get a diagnosis which means you can get proper support and maybe even a place in a school that can help him. You sound like a lovely mum

NatriumChloride · 05/02/2022 21:25

Oh OP. I’m so sad for you. Do you have any help close by? Any support network? It sounds like you need some time to yourself, too. Flowers

wetrainday · 05/02/2022 21:33

This sounds so hard and sad, sending best wishes.

How about something like a dog? I have seen a lot about dogs used as actual therapy for children....and autism dogs etc too. Maybe might help him?

NameChange30 · 05/02/2022 21:37

That sounds very tough indeed Flowers

Could you afford a private assessment, if you think you'd get more support if you had a diagnosis?

I assume you've tried the obvious sources of support, spoken regularly to the school SENDCo and contacted children's services, local charities and support groups for parents of SEND children, etc.

Anyway there are no magic solutions, well no quick-fix ones anyway. Just sympathy from me. Hang on in there Flowers

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 05/02/2022 21:45

I second a Private assessment if you possible can manage it. Routine routine routine. Consistency. Lists and labels. Not preaching but these are all things which helped with our DS with ADHD, ASD. Lots of talking t about what we are going to do, what times, places and expectations. Down to a meal menu.

Have some more flowers 💐

Twinkleylight · 05/02/2022 22:03

Call the Contact a family helpline, they're a national charity who help parents of children with SEND. They can sign post you to additional help and support contact.org.uk/

BoodleBug51 · 05/02/2022 22:21

Our eldest has got ADHD. She was horrendous from birth to her late teens, but seems to be coping better with life as an adult who can make her own path in life. We get some horrendous lifestyle decisions at times that gives me grey hair but in the main, it's a life I'd never imagined she'd be able to have.

We had to be really careful with screen time...... too much stimulation.
Lots of exercise...... we live rurally so did lots of long dog walks/bike rides. Swimming. If we didn't get that it, we were guaranteed no sleep. I noted you mentioned melatonin; our GP was fairly helpful and if her sleep deprivation was really bad, they'd give us 7 days of sleeping tablets for her so that we'd all get a rest and it got her into a sleep cycle again.

And find something that they really love - and don't use as a reward/punishment. We took her horse riding every weekend, and on the advice of her school support worker, we went regardless of what had happened at school/home that week. It jarred at times, but having something to look forward to really helped her.

SmallOrFarAway · 05/02/2022 22:33

My DS7 sounds quite similar OP, it's really hard. I'm a single mum and it's relentless. Eventually his dad used some savings to help me get a private ASD assessment as I felt so helpless, and school have been more supportive since then. I suspect adhd and other issues too but they weren't covered in the assessment. But even with an SEN plan in place it's just so hard for him even though he enjoys school. He just gets into his weekly routine and then it's the weekend again. Thurs/Fri after schools are write-offs as he's so exhausted and spirals. I totally empathise.

Something that helped us is having a clear structure for after school and weekends, it helps him feel more in control. Something else that seemed to soothe him a bit is I printed out the days of the week and a picture of him. Each night we move his picture to the correct following day. I'm not quite sure why this helps as he still has to actually cope with the upcoming day, but I think visually seeing it might help prepare his mind. On Weds is a picture of a gym bag as that's PE day. Another day is a library book. Weekends have a colourful ring around them. He also has lots of sensory issues and sadly a weighted blanket did nothing for him but worth a try as a pp said. He really likes nature so he has a plant in his room and a tub at the front door so part of his routine is checking his 'babies' and that seems to calm him and help with the transition from school to home.

AlphabetStew · 05/02/2022 23:48

I feel ya OP. My DS is 5, very little speech, still in nappies, gets angry very quickly, can be quite aggressive. He has sensory issues too, for example he is terrified of the bath and has quirky obsessions - for example he has some weird obsession with Aldi receipts.

He was supposed to be getting an ASD assessment but we were just told on Thursday that our options are a) wait 18 months or b) go private, wait 4-6 months and pay £1,500. Problem is his school want him to have this assessment by the end of the school year so they can secure him a place in the special unit.

It is so hard. It's so draining. Every day he screams at me, multiple times and I often don't even know why. In our case DS also has a blood disorder so we have that to deal with too. But the behaviour problems are getting worse. We really do need help but we're not getting any. So, no practical solutions for you but lots of solidarity.

MistyFrequencies · 06/02/2022 00:01

I'm sorry. That's so tough for you and your children.

Orangeon · 06/02/2022 00:55

@UpToMyEye

DS(6) has some as of yet undiagnosed additional needs Adhd, possibly more, massive sensory seeking behaviours which mostly manifest by screeching and screaming all the time

School is hard for him, really hard
Each evening he’s a screaming, crying, violent mess, by Thursday evening he’s completely unravelled, Friday he’s ok-ish as he’s happy for the weekend, but the weekends are hell
Until Sunday night when he’s adjusted and calm, then back to it on Monday
And so the cycle restarts

I am so exhausted

I have three other children besides him and our entire life seems to be spent trying to prevent or trying to bring him out of a meltdown

No purpose to this post really, it’s been a horrendous day and I’ve just finally got him into bed (only possible due to melatonin) and I have until he gets up at 5am to exhale before we start the screaming and tantrums

Fuck me this is hard

Have you (or school) applied for an EHCP?
FrecklesMalone · 06/02/2022 01:00

Lots of good advice above. I would second:
Exercise
Little screen time
GP for possible meds
Learning relaxation methods
Getting out the house
Splitting the kids up and spending one on one when possible (we have 4 it is hard I know!)

minipie · 06/02/2022 01:08

Would it be possible for him to have a shorter school day on say Wednesday or Thursday? Appreciate that may not be possible if you are working. Just suggesting as it really helped mine at this age.

What kind of sensory input does he like, maybe we can suggest things, if he gets sensory input another way he might not need to scream so much. Wobble cushion, body stocking, chew toys maybe?… I know these all cost. Do you have music on, it seems to help here as it’s a sensory input and she doesn’t need to make her own noise so much.

Spinnier · 06/02/2022 01:27

You poor thing.

I would second the advice to find something he really loves and can lose himself in. It would give you a chance to breathe out a bit too.

We have a lot of school anxiety here and it makes me so angry that it is this hard.

Ilovechoc12 · 06/02/2022 02:18

Hiya

That sounds really hard.

I’d suggest you complete EHCP for him (as the school to do it if they won’t you can do it as a parent) that might give him a 1 to 1 at school to help him.

Have you talked to school ? Or how they can help him ? Do you like the school? Sometimes a smaller school can work better.

Is your guy anxious? Only reason I ask is I’ve seen those kind of behaviours with my little man and it’s a condition called PDA - it might not be but before diagnosis it was really hard to understand him…. Now we have ways on how to speak to him.

Everyone says excercise - but maybe he needs chill out time playing computer games - some ASD kids (not saying yours) use computers to regulate and to feel more calm.

Speak to your dr - get on cahms waiting list takes forever to see anyone

Are you in uk? Apply for dla might be worth it

Certainly not easy on you or your other 3 kids - hope it gets better for you all xxx

beakerandbungle · 06/02/2022 09:06

Hi OP

Just wanted to offer some sympathy/solidarity. My eldest (10) has ADHD and sensory plus other difficulties. He sounds very like your son. I think it’s hard for others not in the same situation to fully understand. It’s so exhausting and draining and has a huge impact on everyone ( I’m a single parent with a younger DC as well). Some days I just dread getting up. Long for what it must be like to have a child who goes happily into school each day.

Sadly I’ve found biggest difference is the teacher - which is something can’t control. We had an amazing teacher for a year and the difference was unbelievable. Now not and back to the worst of times. Many schools seem particularly useless at supporting or even understanding ADHD. Sadly the teachers approach ( particularly being able to be positive) makes such a huge difference.

The only things I’ve found have made a difference is trying to limit change and to keep school out of home. Also I am now totally on my DS side - I won’t speak to him about anything that happens in school unless he wants to. I believe him about things that happen in school. As he has got older he is able to manage himself emotionally a little better.

The other thing is I’ve found a parents group for parents who have kids with ADHD. This has been literally sanity saving for me!

We have also just started medication so will see if that helps. I know many children for whom medication has been life changing ( obviously only possible with diagnosis).

Even pre diagnosis he should be on the SEN register at school. Start asking now for an educational psychologist assessment and a SALT and OT assessments. There are wait lists ( I eternally regret waiting on school and believing them about DS - it was a major mistake and means I’ve wasted years where he has t been properly supported). If you can get him any sort of psychological support this can also help. You may already know this but unfortunately with the majority of schools you have to push and push and advocate for your child. Do not assume they necessarily have the knowledge needed ( you may of course get lucky).

Apologies if I’m saying stuff you know! The SEN boards on here are also very good.

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