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Original poster

Marriage or baby after TFMR

22 replies

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 19:44

Hi All

Last year we were actively trying to get pregnant for our second child but after almost a year of trying I felt I needed to focus on something more positive and so we rescheduled our wedding for October 2022 (third time due to covid).

Three months into wedding planning we then find out I’m pregnant and while we were a bit shocked with the wedding in place we were soon delighted as this was what we had been longing for. We held off changing dates until the 12 week scan just to be sure. Sadly at our 12 week scan our baby was found to be very poorly and we were absolutely devastated. Further tests found that our baby girl had Edwards Syndrome and so had a TFMR two weeks ago.

The last few weeks have been horrendous. I am so sad after losing our baby and just to make matters worse I now have covid probably from being so run down. My issue is do we continue with our wedding plans in October as I would love us to be married but I also really want to pregnant again soon (if possible) as I’m 42 and I’m very aware time is not on my side. I don’t think I can afford to wait but at the same time I don’t really want to be a pregnant bride. Trying to organise a wedding and not knowing if I’ll be pregnant or not is messing with my head. My OH says we should put the wedding off and just focus on getting pregnant again at some point.

Sorry if my message is all over the place, kind of represents where my head is at right now 🤯 I was going to throw myself into wedding planning to have something to look forward to again but I’m not sure if it’s really even what I want right now 🥺

OP posts:

Original poster

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 19:51

I don’t even know how to organise a wedding right now after everything we’ve just been through… I want us to be married but I also believe you can get married at any age. The biological clock isn’t so easy.

Any thoughts?

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OctFeb · 05/02/2022 19:55

I would sack off the wedding for now and concentrate on relaxing, which will be more conducive to conceiving. Like you say, you’ve not got the luxury of being 25 and wedding planning can be super stressful!

CormoranStrike · 05/02/2022 19:56

Pregnancy all the way in your circs - good luck

Original poster

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 19:58

Thank you @OctFeb for your feedback. My bridesmaid today said similar today. Work out which one you want most and go with it, everything else will fall into place

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PinkTonic · 05/02/2022 20:02

I’m very sorry for your loss. Why don’t you just get married? I must be honest I find the whole ‘Wedding’ and ‘Bride’ thing a bit odd when people are well advanced on their life journey together and have already started a family, so I’d just get married now and keep trying for a baby.

SartresSoul · 05/02/2022 20:05

I’m sorry for your loss. At your age I’d personally focus on TTC because as you say, time isn’t on your side. If you get pregnant before the wedding then fab, you may be pregnant during the wedding which isn’t the end of the world at all.

Original poster

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 20:07

Thank you @PinkTonic and @SartresSoul. I suppose I was questioning on cancelling the wedding but maybe let it just happen in the background but focus on TTC.

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PurplePansy05 · 05/02/2022 20:08

I'd say definitely pregnancy OP. Wedding is a party that can be organised at any point.

In fact, as someone who lost 3 babies to miscarriages I would as a priority focus on your recovery, mentally, if I were you. And if you want another baby then TTC.

If you're getting married for the sake of legal certainty, arrange a civil ceremony now, exchange vows in a city hall. Then, whenever you're ready, organise a wedding.

Unfortunately, the risk of chromosomal or genetic abnormalities and/or MC is significantly higher at 42 so I would not postpone. That said, I'm being very hopeful everything will go well for you and wish you all the best Really sorry for your loss xx

Original poster

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 20:14

@PurplePansy05 thank you. My focus is on recovery right now and just waiting for the consultant appt in a couple months time and then we will maybe try after then if it feels right.

Right now I just need to heal mentally and physically and a wedding just seems like another stress that doesn’t need to be added tbh

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candycane222 · 05/02/2022 20:26

Yeah, I might be tempted to have a very small intimate marriage ceremony - just 1 close friend each and parents/sibs at most. They organise themselves to be there. You go for a nice meal afterwards, job done you are husband and and wife. You honestly don't need to do more. Small, completely manageable, and gets the worrying out of the way.

I was a pregnant bride in fact, but without your worries (we postponed to combine with our housewarming). It was wonderful but low-key, very diy and people brought food - we had the space at home so there wasn't much to organise.

But in your situation I would keep it really really small and intimate, but it is lovely to be married ❤️❤️ sonyou csn do both if you want

candycane222 · 05/02/2022 20:27

Oh and so sorry that this happened to uou 💐💐

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 05/02/2022 21:04

I'd have a wedding (low-key if needs be) in the next few months for the legal protection and because, personally, I value being married. Then I'd start TTC when back from honeymoon.

So sorry for your loss.

WonderfulYou · 05/02/2022 21:05

I personally would forget both for the next few weeks.

I’d then book a small wedding for October and in the meantime carry on having sex but not TTC as such - if you end up pregnant then great but if not it doesn’t matter as you’re not expecting it.

Original poster

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 21:12

@WonderfulYou thank you for your comment. My bridesmaid was saying the same thing today, park it up until you feel more ready to deal with it.

I think when something really sad happens there’s a tendency to want to plan something happy but I don’t want to make a decision I’ll regret later. The wedding is already booked and lots of the organising is already done.

I think as you say just see what happens and go with it. My priority is defo in the pregnancy and if it doesn’t happen then we’ll get married anyway

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mistermagpie · 05/02/2022 21:59

Why, particularly, do you not want to be a pregnant bride? You already have a child and are in your 40s, so it's not like anyone would be shocked or think it's a shotgun wedding or something?

I personally would focus on getting pregnant now, you don't really have time to wait around. If the wedding is already booked then go ahead with that too, given what happened so far you might find yourself feeling really blessed and lucky if you get to take a little bump to the wedding with you. I certainly wouldn't let the 'pregnant bride' this be the reason you wait to ttc.

Original poster

Whippet79 · 05/02/2022 22:07

@mistermagpie I suppose it’s just not how i would have planned it. I guess I just want to really enjoy my wedding day and the hen do leading up to it. That was the original plan anyway… Now I would just feel grateful tbh to be pregnant.

I suppose my other thought was that I felt so rough in my first trimester that I wouldn’t want to feel like that on my wedding day. We have very little control what happens in life and can’t plan for it and with what’s happened I might view it entirely differently anyway.

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Aspidistra1 · 05/02/2022 22:25

It’s maybe worth thinking about how strongly you feel about the pregnant bride thing. I know when we were trying to conceive it was very easy to get wrapped up in “Should I commit to that, I might be pregnant?” and then when the events came around and I wasn’t pregnant it was sad. If October came around and you weren’t pregnant would you be sad you hadn’t gone for the wedding? Or if it came around and you were would it be the end of the world? Or would it be the icing on the cake after everything?

Original poster

Whippet79 · 06/02/2022 09:08

@Aspidistra1 thank you you’ve made a really good point there. It’s very hard to make plans when you have no idea whether you will or will not be pregnant. If I’m not then the only positive is that I get the wedding day I wanted but tbh I would rather us be expecting and know that the baby we want very much will be with us after all we’ve been through. As you say, it would be the icing on the cake

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CorneliusBeefington · 06/02/2022 11:21

I would focus on healing physically, and mentally. Taking the vitamins and getting your cycle back, and then try again. It is a mind fuck I know, I've had 2 TFMRs.

But I'd definitely continue to plan and focus on your wedding with TTC going on in the background. Having something to plan and look forward to (that isn't baby related) has been helpful for me

I'm so sorry for your loss, are you being supported? Sands in particular have been amazing for me. I do online zoom meetings and they've been a lifeline. There is a thread on here for ladies TTC after tfmr, if you would like, message me and I can link you in xx

Original poster

Whippet79 · 06/02/2022 12:17

@CorneliusBeefington you’re right, I really do need to take the pressure off myself and not be making too many decisions right now while everything is still quite emotive.

When we booked the wedding last august I was so focused on wedding planning that I fell pregnant without really ‘trying’. I think when the time is right to start again (in the next few months) we’ll take the same attitude again.

I have spoken to ARC this week and they were lovely. All my friends and family have been supportive too, just a very sad situation that we just have to find our way through.

So sorry that it’s happened to you twice, very cruel. May I ask if you have gone on to have a successful pregnancy since? I really hope so or that you will soon xx

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CorneliusBeefington · 06/02/2022 13:03

[quote Whippet79]@CorneliusBeefington you’re right, I really do need to take the pressure off myself and not be making too many decisions right now while everything is still quite emotive.

I have spoken to ARC this week and they were lovely. All my friends and family have been supportive too, just a very sad situation that we just have to find our way through.

So sorry that it’s happened to you twice, very cruel. May I ask if you have gone on to have a successful pregnancy since? I really hope so or that you will soon xx[/quote]
It's definitely worth having people who have been through it aswell on side. Arc are good. Equally Tommy's and Sands. There's a woman called the tfmr doula on IG who also runs a fb group which is specifically for TFMR mums which you might find relatable. It's such a difficult version of grief and baby loss, because you never know how people will respond to your story. You're still in the shock of the diagnosis and loss, coupled with the hormone drop and horror.

I haven't had a healthy baby since. I have an older child. A loss at 21w4d in Nov 2020, a MMC at 6 weeks, which took till 10w for medical management. And then our most recent loss at 15w exactly in December just gone. Our diagnosis was a "grey" one both times (same issue, possibly genetic components but unsure) , but would ultimately end in baby or child loss and much pain, and suffering, which we couldn't bear. We will try again. Hope is a very powerful thing.

Original poster

Whippet79 · 06/02/2022 13:14

@CorneliusBeefington I will look up those other charities. It’s been great to have loving support but as you say it’s good to actually reach out to those whom understand and our loved ones don’t really understand or have the right words.

I’m back taking Co-enzyme Q10 at 300mg 3 times per day as recommended by a fertility doctor and so hope while I heal and recover that these vitamins help in the egg quality. I know we will try again but so scared for a repeat of what we’ve been through.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through all that, that’s a lot of emotion to work through and I pray that your next pregnancy will be a success as you deserve it so much xx

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