How do I make sure I'm not like them....

[FaithCA]

...my parents!

In fact, adding, that I know I am...or could be...

Every single day I have to make conscious choices not to be like my parents.

When I exhibit the specific behaviours with DH or DCs, I immediately stop and take myself away from the situation, then I apologise and explain.
They understand as they have seen what my parents have done to me and they know it's all I ever knew growing up.

It's so difficult but it can be done. Good luck

My mum always said that whenever there was a parenting decision to be made, she would think about what her mum would’ve done and then did the opposite. I had a lovely childhood, and she is now a much cherished Grandma.

You have life experiences and people around you that are nothing to do with your parents and those experiences and connections are also what makes you your own person. The fact you are spending time thinking about who you want to be and who you don't want to be is a very good beginning to breaking any cycle and forging your own identity.

I think to really make sure you’re not like them, you have to do some deep work getting to know yourself and their impact on you. How your childhood might have created triggers in you that you’re not even aware of. I really like the book “the book you wish your parents had read” for insight into this!

Therapy, lots of it.

I have lots of worries about it.

They are 'uninvolved'. They never invite any of us anywhere, they don't 'host', they take themselves off to celebrate their own birthdays.
(Whilst expecting to be invited to things we do). I know I have tendencies to not make an effort for others, time drifts on, I'm happy in my own company.

They are so tight. I've not seen them in a while due to my COVID illness and contact. They've just given me a Christmas present - a bag containing a couple of boxes of sweets and a couple of toiletries. I'm sure they have been given them and passed them on.

They have a very limited life...don't make an effort. I can be like this too. ( I justify by being to busy at work and too tired when I'm not).

They don't really have friends. Again, I'm quite happy to be at home all weekend, yet see friends out and about on trips, in bars having cocktails, eating afternoon tea and know how nice that would be. Some of my friends do this with their mum, mother and daughter...I would just never...

Now I've posted above, it's trivial, isn't it! No major trauma or serious issues. That make me feel selfish.

Oh I felt your post! As I worry about it often. As others have said though, being conscious of it is the best we can do I think... plus yes, yes, yes to therapy. I end up talking about my parents almost every week, years down the line

I can get very jealous when I see people doing fun things like afternoon teas with their parents on Facebook etc, too.

@pupcakes I get jealous to. I would love to have that with my parents. I actively stay away from them which makes me sad.

I knew that I didn’t want my son to grow up around that. And I was never sure how he felt. But he had to go for counselling when he was at school ( he has a chronic medical problem and counselling really helped him )

When they asked about his parents and how he got on with us he told them that we are amazing and he couldn’t ask for any better parents. I didn’t cry in front of him but u bet I did when I left the room.
He always said he couldn’t understand why other kids didn’t want their parents to attend things or do stuff with them.
I’m going to go and cry some more now. I spent the last 18 years trying so hard not to make the mistakes my parents made and still make and I think we did okay.

I hear you. It’s not even worth me writing down all the things they do that I don’t want to become.The biggest thing though is being shit grandparents to their 4 oldest grandchildren but the 5th is bestowed everything.
I vow never to be them.Self centred , depressive,oppressive, dull, boring and racist.
I try to avoid them most weeks of year except obligatory birthdays and Xmas.