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Original poster

MIL upset about my DC growing up

28 replies

WingBingo · 05/02/2022 11:48

MIL lives in our annexe so DC and her are close.

MIL doesn’t do a huge amount, spends time alone, daily dog walks and dinner with us every Sunday.

We spend time together most days, and she picks up / drops off DC from school twice a week.

Lately, as my two DS’ get older , they are not so reliant on her , and they play independently (they are 7 & 8)

Today I noticed MIL was quiet and seemed sad. She is sad that my boys are growing up, don’t need her so much and it’s leaving a big while in her life.

I am not sure how to feel about this. It’s not like they are teenagers.

She is free to play with them, take them places and do fun stuff all the time.

I should say, they do spend time on their devices, usually after school so she feels redundant when she is taking care of them.

I guess I want to know if she is being unreasonable really.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/02/2022 11:52

She’s not unreasonable to feel that way but she is to give up rather than finding ways to connect with them on their level.

FabriqueBelgique · 05/02/2022 12:03

It sounds like she misses them being all doe-eyed and cuddly.

Original poster
WingBingo · 05/02/2022 12:09

Yeah I think she does miss the doe-eyed days.

I love watching them grow up and experiencing new things.

She really doesn’t do much, and I always invite her to stuff we are doing. Rarely comes with us though.

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Billandben444 · 05/02/2022 12:11

She's not being unreasonable. She's sad that they don't need her as much and she's wondering where she'll fit in in the future. A lot of grandparents who help out feel this way as the children become more independent - mine are teenagers and I had to adapt as they grew up. Would you be able to add a regular shared tea once a week or something so she can move on to the next stage of interacting with them? Perhaps she's worried about being left out a bit in the future.

SalsaLove · 05/02/2022 12:11

This would annoy me. Yes, they’re growing up and thank god for that! They’re happy and healthy and she’s alive and a part of their lives. It’s all good.

NuffSaidSam · 05/02/2022 12:14

Of course she's not unreasonable. You feel the way you feel. There are lots of little moment as kids grow up where, whilst you're pleased they're growing up, you miss the younger days.

Traumdeuter · 05/02/2022 12:19

@AnneLovesGilbert

She’s not unreasonable to feel that way but she is to give up rather than finding ways to connect with them on their level.
This. It’s fine to be a bit wistful at children growing up, but embracing the positives of change is so important.
Graphista · 05/02/2022 12:21

Sounds like she could be depressed to me.

I think she'd benefit from medical input on this and on encouragement to occupy/stimulate herself in other ways.

Very common as people get older

Sounds like she hasn't any friends or hobbies/interests outside the home/family?

DoTheyKnowItsLemonJuice · 05/02/2022 12:24

I think when you’re older it’s probably unavoidably mingled in with thoughts about your own mortality.

Children pull away a bit as they grow up but in time, hopefully, they come back to building a new stage of the close relationship with their parents as young adults.

For grandparents though, there is a background awareness that by the time the “pulling away” phase is over, the grandparent may themselves be significantly older and have less time left to enjoy closeness with their adult gc.

I can understand there being some sadness around that tbh.

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/02/2022 12:25

No one’s being unreasonable. She’s just sad.

It sounds like she’s not a big one for making an effort, so it might be worth saying to her that it’s fine to be sad but it might be worth doing X,Y, Z to keep the relationship going. If she’s not short of cash then a trip out every couple of weeks - cinema, pizza, bowling are a nice low-ish effort to maintain a relationship

TheGoldenWolfFleece · 05/02/2022 12:26

My mum is like this with my children and it drives me mad. It's like she's always looking backwards to the cute babies they were, and lamenting them growing instead of appreciating the awesome people they are now. I think it's natural to think "oh weren't they cute", but not to the extent that she does it. She didn't like me getting them to do things for themselves as they grew up, she kept saying i had to make the most of them being dependent on me. I had twins so the sooner they would do stuff for themselves the better!

She always tried to keep me and my siblings "younger" so was never really allowed any freedom because she liked us being reliant on her. She really struggled once we all flew the nest.

Your mil needs some hobbies.

HollowTalk · 05/02/2022 12:27

She sounds lonely. Does she have any friends? How old is she?

Iwonderifiwonderwhy · 05/02/2022 12:29

I have this a bit, don’t most parents as well as grandparents?

For me a particularly weird thing is I was soooooo good at the toddler / preschool stuff. I loved the baking and craft activities and teaching them basic maths / geograohy / history and reading stories and stuff. I coukd sit in the garden blowing bubbles and making shaoes out of playdo with them for hours.

Now at only 9 they are doing maths I can’t easily do 😬 and aren’t interested in craft or baking. They’re asking about roblox and minecraft and canoeing and cricket and I don’t know anything about any of that.

You Mil is reasonable to be gutted about this stage being over which will never return. She’s perhaps a little unreasonable letting it show but who else can she discuss it with?

She would probably enjoy helping out at a church playgroup where her expertise would still be valued, but it’s tricky what with covid etc.

sandgrown · 05/02/2022 12:36

My middle grandson always gave me a hug when I arrived and really wanted to talk to me . He is now 13 and barely utters a few words though I do get a little hug. I know he will come through this as his older brother is now excellent adult company and we joke about going out on the town together . They no longer need me to babysit but we have a new and different relationship.

affairsofdragons · 05/02/2022 12:45

She just sounds sad and lonely. Sounds like your family is all she has?

Maybe have your husband encourage her to join some adult education groups or clubs for things that might interest her to meet people?

CockneyDoris · 05/02/2022 12:48

This isn’t unusual OP, my DF was very close to my Ds, for the first few years of his life, they were always out and about together, but once Ds started school ( and certainly once he was junior school age) there was a noticeable change. Computers and Game Boys were the thing, as well as football, bikes and swimming, all activities my DF couldn’t keep up with. Then my DF had a stroke when Ds was 10 and the ‘roles’ swapped over… Ds did the looking after, and taking Grandad for a walk and helped him with odd jobs. They had a wonderful relationship despite the role swap and although DF has been long gone, Ds talks of him often.
It tends to sort it self out naturally. Don’t worry x

Original poster
WingBingo · 05/02/2022 13:14

A few astute observations here.

Yes she is lonely. She has a couple of friends she sees maybe once a month.

She does have one hobby, we do jigsaws together, but that is it.

Waking the dogs gets her out of the house most days, but that is it.

She has always been close to DH, and they have lived in close proximity most of their lives.

We have encouraged hobbies that get her out meeting people but she has always been reluctant to do so.

We are her whole world, and she knows she is always welcome in our home.

I want to help, but she doesn’t want solutions from me, she wants a little cry and acknowledgement, as far as I can tell.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/02/2022 13:19

I want to help, but she doesn’t want solutions from me, she wants a little cry and acknowledgement, as far as I can tell.

Sometimes that is all people need. Just a moment to have the emotions, feel that they are valid emotions to have cry and move on. Time moving and aging is inescapable there is no help or solution to that side.

Dillydollydingdong · 05/02/2022 13:20

There are new things she could do with the DC now that they're older. I'm teaching my dgs how to play chess and he loves it. He loves monopoly too Shock. There's draughts,ludo, and maybe she could ask him about all these games to play on devices - Fortnite etc.

SpringRainbow · 05/02/2022 13:22

My MIL struggles with the notion of being ‘not needed’ anymore.

In the end there was nothing anyone could actually do for her. She needed to find her own way of ‘dealing’ with her feelings and finding things to do which allow her to feel fulfilled.

It wasn’t easy as she had dedicated her whole life to looking after her family, so to no longer have people dependent on her was difficult.

All we could do was listen to her, try and involve her where we could, and just keep encouraging her to get out there.

We couldn’t make it better until she was willing to take the steps herself.

It was difficult for me as I don’t particularly get on with her, however it is nice seeing her come out the other side. It’s actually made it easier for me to ‘deal’ with her as she finally has a life of her own.

Original poster
WingBingo · 05/02/2022 13:22

She is 71, fit and healthy.

OP posts:
Original poster
WingBingo · 05/02/2022 13:25

You’re quite right @Quartz2208

Also, encouragement to get out there more and to find ways to interact

Winter doesn’t help either. We spend far more time outside in the summer, and we all enjoy gardening.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 05/02/2022 13:38

Personally, I'm glad the dgc are getting older and I'm not needed quite so much! The other grandmother is ten years younger than me but I think she feels the same. No help to you though! Sorry!

UserBot9to5 · 05/02/2022 13:41

Is she capable of giving emotional support. I find my two teens need a lot of emotional support. Plenty of time for her to prepare for that.

jollygreenpea · 05/02/2022 13:48

I feel a bit like that having watched my own grow. Part of me thinks yah I'm free, part of me knows that it's their time to go forward in the world, and parts of me miss the snugly cuddly times, the magical Christmas and special birthdays.

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