Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

Original poster

Supporting an adult with their ASD diagnosis

12 replies

halina34 · 04/02/2022 19:49

My sister is going through the process of being diagnosed with ASD, but it makes a lot of sense. I'd be very surprised if they say she isn't on the spectrum.

She's my sister but she's very difficult and argumentative by nature. Since starting the diagnosis process this has got worse, and she is defaulting to 'but I have ASD' as an excuse. She is very capable of picking up on people who are 'offensive' to her but clueless that she can be equally as bad.

We had a family dinner on Sunday and she was terrible. I was appalled by her, tbh. All she wanted to talk about was herself.

This sounds really negative, and I know that, but I don't know where to go with her. I want to support her but I don't know what that looks like.

OP posts:

amusedbush · 04/02/2022 20:09

I was diagnosed last year, I’m 31. Much like your sister, nobody was surprised by my diagnosis.

I have definitely become more outwardly autistic since diagnosis because it feels like I finally have ‘permission’ to unmask. However, ASD is not carte blanche to be rude to people and she can’t just use it as a get out of jail free card. Don’t feel like you can’t tell her that she’s being an arsehole just because she is autistic. There are times where I word things badly or I ask invasive questions and I want people to tell me that I’m being rude! I don’t want to upset anyone. I also want to talk about myself and my interests all the time but, again, I understand that it’s not socially acceptable so I work on taking turns in conversation even though it doesn’t come naturally to me.

Honestly, just tell her to stop being so rude like you would a neurotypical person. There are a lot of posts on MN that suggest ASD for every example of bad behaviour in adults (obviously not this one, I mean on other threads about rude neighbours, etc) and it’s offensive. Unless they have additional learning needs, autistic people can and do function in polite society.

Original poster

halina34 · 04/02/2022 20:20

Thank you. I liked how you worded some of that. I think her current thought process is that she is being 'outwardly autistic' and it will take some time for her to accept redirection.

OP posts:

insanemumof3 · 04/02/2022 20:23

Can I ask how you went about getting diagnosed? My partner has told me he thinks I show traits of it and I think I do also. My 2 oldest sons have been diagnosed with it but the steps to follow that got them diagnosed I'm assuming are the same steps to follow for an adult?

duvetdayforeveryone · 04/02/2022 20:42

Do you have parents/other siblings?

If you do, I'd honestly just leave it to them and next time be more careful where you sit when you go out to dinner with them.

Caring for someone with Autism can be exhausting. I know this as I have Autism and I know how exhausting I can unintentionally be.

If you do want to spend time with them, do a scaffolded activity to keep them entertained and less chance they'll talk about themselves. A painting pottery cafe is a good idea.

Gingerkittykat · 04/02/2022 20:59

I agree that ASD is not a handy excuse for bad behaviour and rudeness. I agree with gently pointing it out when someone is offensive or gets it wrong. I have personally spent a lot of time learning better communication skills which has made me a lot more aware of how my words come across to others.

The process of having your suspicions of autism formally confirmed is a confusing period. I have unmasked some of my behaviours, for example I let myself stim, explain to people why I find certain social situations hard and have made adjustments in my life to fit my neurotype instead of feeling like a failure for not coping with things which seem simple to other people.

@insanemumof3 I was diagnosed through the NHS but waited for 22 months for an appointment with the psychologist. There are some organisations/ charities which do free assessments which are recognised by the NHS. I know some in Scotland but not the rest of the country.

amusedbush · 04/02/2022 22:55

@insanemumof3

For me, it was a long process and quite traumatic. I spoke to my GP, who asked me to write out a list of all the reasons I suspected ASD and then he referred me to the adult autism team. However, the psychologist I saw was absolutely awful and said some really sexist, dismissive things right from the off. He told me I'm too articulate to be autistic, then he wrote a report to my GP which stated as fact a load of things he hadn't even asked me about. Since then, I've discovered that this is disgustingly common and women are still being massively overlooked because we're not all obsessed with trains a la Sheldon Cooper.

Several months later I paid to be privately assessed for ADHD (which I also have - fun!) and it was raised that I demonstrated autistic traits. I spoke to the private company a lot beforehand, I spoke with a charity that supports ND people, then I bit the (hella expensive) bullet with a female psychiatrist. The process could not have been more different and I felt so supported and heard. It was holistic, really thorough and, frankly, put the NHS guy to shame. I was then diagnosed with ASD and social anxiety disorder.

(Sorry, OP, I didn't mean to take this off topic with such a long post )

Chichimcgee · 04/02/2022 23:01

I was diagnosed as an adult. A lot of the hurtful things I did and said to my family were pointed out to me as I genuinely did not realise that I came across as rude. I try to think before I speak, I’m better but I know I still come across awkward and rude sometimes but I can’t work out how.

My son is also autistic, diagnosed very young. The one thing I have always said to him and also apply to myself is that autism is a reason not an excuse.

It’s a reason you might feel overwhelmed, it’s a reason you might say something odd, it’s a reason you act differently. It is not an excuse to be mean, abrupt or act however you want.

amusedbush · 04/02/2022 23:04

@halina34

Thank you. I liked how you worded some of that. I think her current thought process is that she is being 'outwardly autistic' and it will take some time for her to accept redirection.

It will definitely take time for everyone.

We've just been given a Neurodiverse MNers board and I'm in no way suggesting that it's for NT people to go and ask questions but it might be helpful for you to go and just read some of the posts. We're quite open about struggles/frustrations and things that we like/dislike so you might find it helpful. That's not to say your sister isn't being unreasonable, I just feel for her because I've been there!

Nat6999 · 04/02/2022 23:29

I was diagnosed 2 years ago, since then I refuse to mask my condition. I have found that the less I mask the less I get stressed & anxious.

Original poster

halina34 · 04/02/2022 23:33

No, it's been so helpful reading the replies, thank you for taking the time. I'll go and lurk on your board. It'll be an adjustment for all of the family, I think.

I really like your phrasing of autism being a reason not an excuse.

OP posts:

Original poster

halina34 · 04/02/2022 23:37

Unfortunately, she is having difficulties at work and in her social life because she is insulting people, and this is making her really unhappy.

OP posts:

Yuckypretty · 04/02/2022 23:39

I'd advise you to read up on the neurodiversity movement...

autisticuk.org/neurodiversity/

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread