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Original poster

Does having an uncaring partner make anyone else feel lonely and always dissatisfied with life?

21 replies

Queeniepies · 03/02/2022 18:16

I have been with DH for 20 years. In more recent years I've realised that the lack of caring for me and lack of DH acting like we are a partnership just make me feel totally alone and dissatisfied with life. I just never feel totally happy.

It is things like DH never pulls his weight around the house; everything is left to me. He is quick to moan if he feels the house is messy but makes mess like there is no tomorrow, and there is never any sense of partnership in doing things in the house. Literally everything is left to me, and it gets me down. We have two DC, who are 10 and 13, and everything regarding them is left to me, too. He seems to think that if he does anything child related, whether it's attending parents' evening or cooking a meal for them, that it's a 'favour' for me, and will do absolutely anything to get out of doing anything child related.

He is constantly in a bad mood yet is happy when he goes off to do his many hobbies or off on holidays with his mates. He is currently on a snow sports holiday with friends; his third blokes' holiday in the last year. He doesn't seem to care at all about me, or about my emotional wellbeing. I think I just exist to be an appliance. And obviously the mental load is all mine too! He won't even think of a meal to cook the kids, he'll just order them a takeaway.

If I'm unwell he won't look after me or do anything at all in the house, and just leaves it all for me to do when I'm better. He was the same after I had our DC. I had a c-section on the Friday with the youngest, came home on the Sunday and was just expected to carry on with doing everything. I know so many people whose other halves have just taken over everything for weeks to let them recover from the birth but DH wouldn't do a thing, and wouldn't even get a few bits from the local shop that we needed, or bring me a glass of water when I was breastfeeding.

There are lots of other things too, but this is the basic outline. I was just wondering if this is probably the reason why I feel like I do in terms of always feeling empty, and lonely. We run a business together and he's even all lazy in that half the time. If I take a message for him from someone who phones regarding the parts of the business that he has knowledge of, he won't even call them back.

I'm going to have to end things aren't I?

OP posts:

BowerOfBramble · 03/02/2022 18:27

Oh mate, I'm sorry to hear about how things are with your husband. I'm sure you know this board is FULL of women who are realising the same things about their partners, after a few months, a couple of years of even a couple of decades.

Do you have any idea what's finally brought this to the surface for you now? You'll have known what he's like for a very long time now - but something has made you mind more? Have you seen a better relationship model, or have you recently needed support and not got it?

I'm going to have to end things aren't I? The short answer is, probably. You can try and issue an ultimatum and lay out everything you've said here. Give him six months to show he can be a better partner and kick those lazy habits. If he really loves you, he will do it. But if you're right and he sees you as a handy facility rather than a beloved human, you'll probably be a lot happier on your own.

polkadotcatears · 03/02/2022 18:56

I'm in a similar situation.

I think sometimes you get so bogged down in the relentless DOING that it takes a long time for you to realise how unhappy you are. The pandemic and lockdowns limited our scope to go out and do other things, so it really emphasised to me how things were at home.

I'm in automatic pilot mode, just going through the motions. He either doesn't care or refuses to listen to me when I say how bad things are. Just need to bite the bullet and tell him I'm done... but I know it will be a long slog to actually get free.

RainbowToes · 03/02/2022 22:24

I used to have one. Thankfully i am on my own now, life is much better.
Do you get any time to do things you enjoy?

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Relationship problems

Newestname002 · 04/02/2022 07:38

Give him six months to show he can be a better partner and kick those lazy habits. If he really loves you, he will do it. But if you're right and he sees you as a handy facility rather than a beloved human, you'll probably be a lot happier on your own.

OP, use this time to get your ducks in a row for when, inevitably, he proves himself an uncaring and useless partner.

Don't tell him you are getting your affairs in order and doing your own fact-gathering about finances in the lead up to a potential separation/divorce as he's unlikely to take this well, given his past and current form. 🌹

Noisyprat · 04/02/2022 07:50

You sound very sad OP . You can’t change what’s gone before but you can take control of the next years of your life. To be honest I think men like this don’t change, he doesn’t have to because he thinks you will just be there to be his servant. Imagine what this will be like when the children go off to uni? Think also about how the children are seeing you being treated.

From what you’ve said I would be looking to leave however I wouldn’t be telling him. I would just get my ducks in a row and leave. Can you get another job? It sounds as though the business will fail without you? Remember you are also finding/enabling his lifestyle.

longwayoff · 04/02/2022 08:21

Yes you are OP. You'd feel far less lonely if you actually lived without him in your life. What's he for? It's like keeping a broken household appliance. Take advice on here and get your life back. And get your hormone levels checked, that may also be affecting your mood and energy levels. Good luck.

Changedmane · 04/02/2022 08:40

Your mind is made up. If talking hasn’t helped, make a plan and go. Ex dp who sees his kids once a month for an hour and pays the equivalent of their dinner money explained to me that he was off on his 7th long haul holiday in the last ten years because “he cares about his family”. His kids, who have never had an overseas holiday would disagree. Some people just cannot be reasoned with.

Duxiejhrhrvjz · 04/02/2022 08:46

I used to cry myself to sleep as I was so lonely while my ex slept next to me. Once he woke up and told me to cry quietly as I had woken him up.
I’ve been single a few years now. I have children similar ages to you and I’m not lonely anymore. I do things with them.

PerseverancePays · 04/02/2022 09:09

I was much more lonely while I lived with my husband than after I left him. When I was with him I was always hoping for him to want to be with us, but once I had left I was lonely because I was on my own but it wasn't so constant and not nearly so painful. I was so relieved to not have his constant negative presence in my life. As adults, my children have thanked me for sparing them living with him full time.

Changedmane · 04/02/2022 09:14

It sounds like he has ticked the wife and kids box in his head and is putting in no effort at all. Definitely go.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 04/02/2022 09:27

I think you are in a lonelier position OP. At least as a single parent you have the ability to go find that partnership.

Datada · 04/02/2022 09:38

His attitude to 'women's work' is troubling. I feel for you. I don't think he is going to change. At least in your own place, you can decide what to do, and when to do it. There's a comfort in independence.

Languishingonthesidelines · 04/02/2022 10:51

I was in this situation 7 years ago although my ex ‘dp’ was somewhat verbally and emotionally abusive too but sadly it had become almost normalised. Big decision at 47 but I left him, kids divide their time between us and are much happier, I’ve moved on and met a lovely relatively new partner (5 yrs), whilst he’s still bitter and miserable. I wish I’d done it earlier tbh but at least I did it and now can look forward to the future.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/02/2022 10:54

I'm so sorry OP. My husband of 20 years was exactly the same. It was a wrench leaving but in the end the best thing I ever did.
I simply wasn't prepared to share the same status as my hoover.

Babymamamama · 04/02/2022 10:56

It’s awful isn’t it? So frustrating! My ex was like this. We are no longer together. He’s still super unhelpful with DC and determined to get his own way at any price, but at least I don’t have to live with him day to day and look at his grumpy face. DC doesn’t even seem to miss him which is tragic really.

DaisyChains3 · 04/02/2022 11:00

This is so sad to read. I honestly don’t understand what has kept you there so long. He’s completely selfish. Just leave him and don’t look back. He won’t change.

Noisyprat · 04/02/2022 12:05

Just wanted to say OP that another way to handle this and move towards leaving him (if that's what you want your end goal to be). Is to completely emotionally switch off to him and have zero expectation. Whilst you may think you have this already you probably don't as it bothers and upsets you how he is treating you.

Focus completely on yourself and the children. Plan and do things without even considering him. Cook meals that you and the children like, eat at a time that suits you. I think if you can move to feeling more in control you will be able to remove/minimise the space he takes in your brain and this will help you think more clearly and boost your confidence. Treat him like he's just not there and then ltb

Original poster

Queeniepies · 05/02/2022 13:56

Thank you all so much for the lovely, supportive, kind replies. I hope no one thinks I'm rude if I don't reply individually.

I think the disengaging is a good idea and I will definitely be doing that and just focussing on the kids and I.

He keeps phoning me from his holiday and saying how tired he is! He's taking the piss! The more and more I think about things the angrier I get; a good friend has put some lovely photos on FB today of a really nice meal her husband cooked. He cooks all the time, really nice meals, yet my DH won't even make me a piece of toast, or even suggest an idea for an evening meal. He even had a meal ingredient delivery service for a while, just for him, where he cooked his own meals each night, made loads of mess, but wouldn't make anything for anyone else.

It also makes me so cross how even the few jobs that I leave as 'his' just never get done yet he is the first to moan if he feels I haven't done something that I 'should'. He is responsible for taking DS for haircuts (moans at me if I don't get it cut as he thinks it should be done) yet DS's hair is overgrown and he's in need of a haircut. He's meant to worm the dogs. Never does it so I have to. He's meant to empty the kitchen bin. Does it maybe once a week if he can be arsed then makes comments all the time about how it would be nice if I did it if I saw it needed doing.

I've also applied for a part time job. I feel like I need some financial independence, and I'm sick of doing work for our business such as marketing (DH asks me to) and then he won't reply to emails or won't get back to messages. Someone was very interested in having a massive contract with us for something and he just let it fall by the wayside.

I'm just so fed up. I don't know how I'm going to pull myself out of this. I'm on antidepressants already and have been for years, and the doctors won't increase my dose as they only believe in prescribing a very low dose at my surgery.

OP posts:

DaisyChains3 · 05/02/2022 14:15

You’re a free servant and it’s convenient to have you helping run the business. He’s not a husband. He’s a free loading abusive arsehole. .

Original poster

Queeniepies · 05/02/2022 17:34

Yes I totally feel like a free skivvy

OP posts:

BowerOfBramble · 06/02/2022 09:26

I'm on antidepressants already and have been for years, and the doctors won't increase my dose

One of the best things I ever read on here was a post saying “Before assuming the problem is that you’re depressed, check you aren’t living with a complete arsehole who treats you like crap.”

Taking antidepressants in your situation is like trying to hoover while someone else just stands there constantly throwing rubbish all over the floor

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