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Original poster

Do you miss people?

18 replies

D0lphine · 02/02/2022 15:13

My mum was talking about a relative who died at the start of 2021 let's call her F. She misses her every day she said.

I listened to her say how she felt. I don't have the same feelings and feel like a bit of a sociopath. I realised I don't miss her at all.

Me and F had an amazing relationship. Texting,, calls, very frequent visits, we shared a lot about our lives and I was very supportive when she got ill and did a lot of jobs for her to help out, visited in hospital and in the hospice etc.

I was sad when she died and I was sad at her funeral.

But I don't miss her. I sometimes think about her but only to remember something she said or did, and always positive stuff- something funny she told me about an ex or her good advice.

Then I've thought back and I've never really missed other people who have died either. Grandparents etc.

I've also never missed old bfs, old flat mates, friends who have moved away etc. I just look to the future I guess.

I can't be the only one like this! Please help me feel less guilty!

OP posts:

BobbinThreadbare123 · 02/02/2022 15:18

No, I don't either. It doesn't lessen my respect, affection or love for that person though. I seem to be able to accept their absence. I have Asperger's though, so maybe not as odd for me?

FrugalFrancine · 02/02/2022 15:19

I don't miss everyone who I know who has passed away. I do miss my mum and my grandma though.

I know a woman who lost her brother and then her mother in quick succession. I remember her saying she felt guilty because she didn't miss her brother, but really missed her mother.

I don't know why it happens, but some people I don't really miss, even when they've passed away.

DartmoorChef · 02/02/2022 15:21

You could be describing me.

ParkheadParadise · 02/02/2022 15:26

Yes, I do.
I miss my dd every day 💔💔
It's 6 years and sometimes I still get that feeling when something happens (that I need to tell dd about that) and get a horrible feeling when I remember she's no longer here.
I do miss my mum and dad but it's a different feeling it's not every day.

Anystarinthesky · 02/02/2022 15:26

The people I really miss are three close friends who died young, because they missed out on so much.

My grans died age 88 and 92 both had dementia, I don't feel the same about them.

Original poster

D0lphine · 02/02/2022 15:28

Thanks for your replies.

I defo do feel empathy- I felt a lot of empathy when she was alive. In the last few months she was in pain and had bad quality of life. Then I thought about her every day and felt bad for her, worries about treatment and pain relief etc.

But just not now...

OP posts:

ElvisWife · 02/02/2022 15:29

I miss my late son every single day, but I don't really miss people who have passed before or since he did

MaryAndHerNet · 02/02/2022 15:29

Nope.

I may think of a lost person now and then, but there's no emotion attached, just a memory.

ilovebagpuss · 02/02/2022 15:41

I think it depends on just how really close you were to F. Sounds like an older family friend or aunty who you really cared for but her loss hasn’t negatively impacted your day to day existence. Like I lost my grandparents who I loved when I was in my late teens but life went on and I remembered them happily with a little sadness.
Losing my mum when I have 2 young children who adored her and she was in our lives every day and supporting me is a different beast and of course I miss her daily and it’s painful.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with you but I think if you lost someone really entwined with who you are you might find that affects you differently.
They do say there is no right way to grieve I think it’s lovely that you remember this person in a positive way.

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 02/02/2022 16:14

I miss one of my cats who died a few years ago.

Original poster

D0lphine · 02/02/2022 16:19

@ilovebagpuss

Thing is we were very close, messaged a lot and I saw her very often to help her out. Spoke about all facets of life.

I do think my daily life has changed since her death as I have more free time now, which is why my feelings are so strange!

She was also young to die - mid 50s.

I get why I might feel this way if it were a grandparent who I saw a few times a year. But you're right in that she is not a mum or a partner or a child.

OP posts:

hoorayandupsherises · 02/02/2022 16:20

Yes, I feel very much as you described, OP. I think it's to do with my autism. I also find it really hard to keep in touch with people that I am unlikely to see again.

I do think, at some point, I sort of compartmentalize people who've died as being away and not dead, even my parent who was my best friend. I can't say if it's a good or a bad thing, but I have always been this way.

CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 02/02/2022 16:22

yes, I miss my great fantastic friend that passed away just over a year ago. I miss him most days & have so many things to tell him & listen to him talk about

Original poster

D0lphine · 02/02/2022 16:23

A few people with autism / Asperger's who are sharing that they feel the same- thank you for your insight. Good to know some people feel the same as me.

I defo don't have autism though, although my sister does. Maybe I'll ask her how she feels about it.

OP posts:

vesperlindor · 02/02/2022 16:27

I think the only people I would really properly miss, in a devastating way, are DH and the dog!

I love my DM and DB but they live really far away and we rarely see each other now and it's been like that for years, I think that makes a difference. I don't have any other close family members, and when my GPs died in my 20s I was sad, but after the funeral etc, I didn't really think about it much at all.

Afonavon · 02/02/2022 16:28

Not the same, but I didn’t miss my son at all for the four years he was at university. I adore him, and we’re very close. But not one day did I yearn for him. Other mum friends were in pieces, and I worried that I was some kind of sociopath.

MulticatHouse · 02/02/2022 19:10

No I don't miss anyone who is dead.
I miss my Dad, he is in UK and I'm in Europe- but that's all.
I've missed pets and been more upset about them dying than most people.
I don't have much sympathy or empathy either, though I can fake it.

I sometimes wonder if I am a sociopath or a psychopath...

Latara · 02/02/2022 19:17

I miss my Nan who died at 91 in 2017 with dementia very much... she had been sectioned as she became a risk to herself & others, then she died suddenly.
The way she got ill mentally was awful, she had psychosis with the dementia rather than just being forgetful.

My Nan was always a very intelligent, but stubborn woman & could be infuriating at times.
We even fell out a few times!!
There were certain aspects of her personality that I didn't like but basically she was my favourite Nan & I suspect I was her favourite granddaughter. So yes, I miss her.

I've also cared for patients who've died that I've not known for long.., and sometimes their deaths have been sad but not bothered me much. Others, it's been a traumatic experience to be with them and affected me deeply.
I don't think I'm the only hcp who gets affected by some patients deaths.
I know paramedics who have ptsd.

In 2018 my cat was pts with cancer, I was devastated for literally 3 years. Even though I rescued a new cat. The thing is that I live alone and she was there when I was very mentally unwell.
Gradually though the new cat has a larger place in my heart and I miss my old cat less although I will always love her.

Basically I'm just soft when it comes to losing people and animals im afraid!!

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