Do you look after your appearance?

[Dreamitaway]

I have never been a girly girl or wore make up 24/7 but I did used to get dressed each morning, I would straighten my hair and just try to look presentable but these days with 3 young kids and a SAHM, I don't really see the point?

I've been suffering with depression for a long time and most days I just stay in my joggers and baggy top. I don't see the point in getting new nice clothes because I've gotten so fat, nothing looks nice on me anyway.

Im sat here at 6am, having being awake since 4am wondering whether there is any point in making myself look better? I feel like I'm too ugly anyway that there's no point.

I don't know. I'm just wondering what other people's thoughts are?

Hey, I’m sorry you feel this way. You are not ugly - no one is! In answer to your question, I don’t think you need to spend a lot of time on your appearance to make a big difference.
Things like:

• Make sure your clothes fit well and are clean
• Be showered and clean with brushed hair/teeth/clean nails
• No elaborate make up necessary (if you don’t want to!): I used use a tinted moisturiser and some lip balm, sometimes mascara
• other small things like nice clean shoes and a nice coat can help lift an outfit.

I’ve been where you are☹️ And I found doing these small things help me feel more human. But really the main thing you should be looking after is your mental health, not your appearance. Are you getting any help with your depression? Once you feel better it’s so much easier to look after your appearance. Take it easy x

Have you considered going to the GP about your mood? I had a period like that ( had child, got a bit fat, stopped caring about appearance, stopped washing) and I was depressed. Had some CBT and want depressants and it was sorted soon enough. You are worth it, and if it makes you feel better, you do it. Xx

After my second baby I had PND and I found that having a shower, wearing a nice top and a bit of make up helped me feel better. I built up to doing it all but it definitely had an effect on how I felt.

The new season's clothes are just coming it, but too cold to wear them out for a while. Can you allocate yourself a budget for the next three months? Doesn't need to be huge.

• a decent hair cut, highlights or colour?
• new bras that fit and do their job.
• Try to get out and walk for 10 minutes a day. Much easier when the sun is out. It will tone you up & freshen your complexion
• get out all your spring stuff, see what will be wearable and what won't. Make a list of what you need. Do some serious browsing.

You've spent years focusing on the DCs. Your priority this spring is you , because your kids need a happy motivated mum.

I’ve always felt like that if I’m honest - too ugly to make much effort and I’m not prepared to pay the time tax of being female either.

I’ve learned to use short cuts. I get a good haircut. I got my colours done and then minimised my wardrobe so all the things go together and fit well without me having to think about it too much. I buy good shoes and coats.

They’re all things that I can think about once, and then get on with other stuff.

It does sound like you’re in a low place and contrary to popular opinion, I don’t think focusing on looks helps very much; it can reinforce the negativity. But how about practising some self love by doing and saying nice things for yourself - make the effort to get the dc outside for a walk everyday (it makes a massive difference to them and you’ll get exercise too) and make smoothies with them everyday as one of their 5-a-day and make sure to have one too. If you hook some healthy habits onto your dc’s routines they might stick.

When I had small dc I was so thinly stretched that I neglected myself terribly. I’d put sunblock on the dc but not bother with myself, or wrestle them all into coats and forget my own. I literally had to start treating myself like another child to break that pattern and find my self worth again.

I would focus on the depression- I take it you’re under the care of your gp?

Nothing wrong with baggy tops and joggers though- much comfier when you’re dealing with young children all day. I wouldn’t put pressure on yourself to look a certain way. Focus on things that make you feel good about yourself as a person. Maybe eating food that is good for your body, a kind of exercise you enjoy that makes you feel energised or relaxed- yoga maybe?

In your case, yes it would be worth it, because it appears that neglecting your appearance is part of a lack of self care, which is a sign of depression.

I would go see your GP be use it does sound like there is some depression, and then make a plan to gradually start looking after yourself - what’s the first thing you could change? I’d also think about exercise which is really helpful for mental health.

To a certain extent. I shower and wash my face daily, wash my hair every other day. I used to straighten my hair but it's damaged it so I don't bother any more, there's nothing wrong with my natural hair. I wear it in a ponytail most days. I wear make-up for work - foundation, eyebrow pencil, concealer and mascara but don't bother with it at the weekends unless I'm going somewhere nice. I'm going out for a meal this Saturday so I'll wear make-up then.

Clothes - I wear what I feel comfortable in. I don't like joggers but my style is quite casual anyway, I like loose jeans, dungarees, dresses and tights with Doc Martens.

Eating healthily is the most important thing rather than hair and make-up though. What's your diet like? Are you on any medication for your depression?

Thank you everyone for your kind responses. I wasn't sure what kind of comments I would receive.

I'm on medication for my depression, it doesn't work but I've been asking for a medication review but my last 3 appointments have been cancelled 🙃

I'm trying to eat healthier as I know that my weight is a major source of my insecurities. I just can't see me having any worth whilst looking like this.

I'm going to try and take on your advice and get a couple of comfortable outfits and get into some kind of routine.

@Dreamitaway do you feel other people who are carrying more weight are unworthy of nice things or being looked after? I very much doubt it, so you need to stop applying that to yourself. Being slightly heavy doesn't mean you don't have worth! You've given birth to and are raising 3 small human beings - you're amazing! Time to prioritise yourself, that doesn't have to mean a face full of make up every morning, but definitely chase up that appointment. Phone the doctors today and explain you've had three reviews cancelled and you're not coping and need to see someone quickly. It's very easy to be fobbed off if you don't think you're worth while, but I can promise you you are and you deserve the right support from your gp. Sorting your medicine out will hopefully then give you the space to look after other bits of your life.
Is there a DP on the scene? If so ask them for some time to yourself to have a little pamper, even just getting your nails done. If you have shellac it will last ages no matter what you're doing with the kids, and always looks great. If no DP then perhaps arrange to go with a friend and you can take turns occupying the kids whilst you have a treatment done. Or even just a soak in the bath. A bit of "you" time can work wonders when you're lost in depression and "mummy".

Hey OP, I'm in kind of a similar situation. Have had depression since having DS in 2019. My meds do work but Im comfort eating a lot amd have put on a lot of weight. I struggle to have the motivation to try and lose it. Im sorry to hear your meds are not working out for you

Ive been WFH since March 2020 which hasnt helped either as Ive stopped making myself presentable each day.

Do you get your hair done by a hairdresser? I get mine coloured and thinned out every 6 weeks and then I know my hair is in good condition with minimal effort from me.

Did you used to wear makeup? In the lastcouple of weeks I have started filling in my eyebrows, adding a small bit of eye shadow and mascara and bb cream and it makes a big difference to how I feel about myself. (Wellbeing honest its probably the eyebrow filling and bb cream that make a huge difference and they are done in 5 mins max).

Clothes wise, I got a couple of nice fitting tracksuit bottoms in the january sale and they are a step forward from the leggings I wore for the last 2 years
I also went on the style board and got some advice about what jeans are in fashion. I ordered a couple of pairs and they are a little too tight to close but hopefully in a month I'll get into them.

Hi there. Meds alone don’t always work for depression. Have you considered some therapy at all? Even if it’s via zoom etc I’m sure it would be a good start. CBT works brilliantly and a good therapist will give you tips and strategies on how to cope with negative thoughts.

That’s all that they are just thoughts - I’m sure you’re a beautiful person inside and out.

Draw on friends and family if you can to help get even half an our brisk walk, nice bath etc.

Small steps, you can do this.

Hi OP, first step, get onto the GP- its unacceptable to have 3 cancelled appointments in a row- I'd send an email if a phone call feels too much.

I have felt the same after poor mental health over the last few years, I've spent the last 6 months trying to get into good routines and now shower (almost) every day, wash hair every second day, that helps. I am so overweight that I hate all clothes and hide in leggings and cardigans, so that's a problem to address later, but I always feel better if I bung on some bb cream, do my eyebrows and mascara- five mins tops.

I hope you feel better soon and can make small little changes to help you feel better about yourself you are not ugly, you're just a bit poorly xx