8yo DD with friend problem. WWYD (or say)

[Dayrider]

Daughter has been close friends with 1 girl in particular (a long with other kids too) all I’m her class. Over the years my DD has told me about bossy friend (will call Elsa). More recently my dd tells me things like Elsa says ‘if you don’t do this then your not my friend’, ‘don’t play with her play with me’ and when my DD wants to play a certain game they won’t, they end up playing Elsa’s choice and Elsa plays the role she wants first and foremost. I’ve always told DD to try and stand up for herself and no good friend would make you feel bad so maybe you have to wonder if she’s a good a friend as you thought. Basically have tried to be there for my DD and encourage her to play with others etc. now problems have been getting worse in last few months and recently an incident where Elsa upset my child and Elsa then huffed under her breath something like ‘who would get upset over that’ and it made my dd feel bad and worry all day.
Now thing is, my dd goes to Elsa’s house as a childcare arrangement once a week and I am friends with the mum.
WWYD in this instance? Would you talk to the mum about it? Would you stop the childcare arrangement?
My dd is a worrier and she’s on the sensitive side so I don’t want to let her down and let her think that she is a bad person.

Stop the childcare arrangement at the very least. Don't give the bully friend extra power

I’d speak to the teacher rather than the mum in the hope she can observe and sort it out. But if it carried on I’d look for another childcare arrangement I think

What would you say to the mum as to why you don’t want them looking after child anymore?

Friendship issues are so tricky but common at that age. We had similar with my dd, friend was horribly possessive and one minute they were "BFFs" the next dd was being ignored because she had dared talking to someone else or disagreed/didn't go along with what the girl wanted. Dd was regularly in tears. I tried to gently manage it with the other girl's mum but you could clearly see she wasn't going to take well to any criticism of her dd.

In the end I suggested dd continue being friends with this girl but to not be best friends and to just be friends with lots of people. The whole thing then blew up, this girl did not take it well and said some horrible things to and about my dd. I had the mum insisting it was all my dd. We are still at same school 3 years on and the mum has blanked me since then. The girl on the other hand has had a lot more friendship issues and the mum had a slanging match with another mum in front of the teachers over one fall out. We are so glad that friendship didn't last but I'm not sure there was an easy way to extricate dd without some upset.

I would definitely start by stopping the childcare arrangement, make up some excuse.

Watching with interest, my DD is 6 and has recently started having some issues with girls in her class and I don't know what to do about it (she's my eldest, this is new for me).

Following for advice. My daughter is having the same issues. She is in a group of 3 girls and the other 2 seem to stick together against my daughter sometimes. Not bullyingsuc

Both my DDs have had similar issues at that age it’s part of learning life skills we’ve used this book also recommended on here to help talk things through www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-Girls-Guide-Friendship/dp/1407136402/ref=asc_df_1407136402/?hvlocphy=1006709&linkCode=df0&hvptwo&psc=1&hvnetw=g&hvadid=500776799008&hvpone&hvlocint&hvpos&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl&hvqmt&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=pla-637867112099&hvrand=1197220006935677349

@SkiRun0077 thank you for the reassurance - I'm sure I must have experienced this too but I don't remember it, so that's a good sign. Thanks for the book tip also.

It is really common. My kids have gone through it. I’d talk to the teacher before the parents and ask them to keep an eye. Then encourage lots of other friendships, including at after school clubs. Invite other girls to your house to play.
How reliant are you on the childcare? Is there anybody else can have your DD or could you say she wants to try a club?

You get it all again in year7 at secondary school there’s a shuffle round of friendship’s as they work out what they like and value in life. My eldest is very sporty but literally all her “friends” from primary moving to secondary dropped sport in favour of dossing in the park after school in make up/ latest clothes, hanging out with the boys. She’s pleased she’s kept her sports club mates outside school or she’d have struggled.

If I was the mum in this case, I'd really want to know. It's definitely right for you to help your DD through this, and pp have suggested some good resources - but Elsa also needs some help and guidance on how to behave to her friends or she's going to lose them or end up really bullying someone. If I was her mum I would want to know what's happening so i could show Elsa this isn't ok and how to behave differently, and to work out with you whether the childcare arrangement is good for either girl or needs to change.

what mangodreams said. The only other thing I'd add, is that some work with your DD on strategies to set boundaries is a good idea, sometimes it's good to role play it with them exactly what to say so they feel more confident in asserting themselves. Just going on my experience, my DD needed a bit more instruction.

Also important not to make the other child out to be bad (I'm not saying you would), kids change, friendships change, a lot of different children will go through stages of trying to control things.

schools can usually help by running little talks on how to be a good friend - that might be worth asking about.

I would try to find alternative after school care if you still will require it and then I'd tell the mum that due to the girls not getting along well any more that you've decided to move your DD/look after her yourself/send her to dancing/whatever. You hope that whatever is causing the girls to not get along anymore, will stop when they aren't constantly in each others space.

Decide what you're doing is for the best of your DD firstly but both girls overall.