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Original poster

Feel guilty and can't stop crying.

14 replies

iloveitalia · 31/01/2022 21:00

Posting here for traffic.

DH and I will be separating at start of April. DD(9) doesn't know yet. I am currently ill with a combination of flu and covid. DD was sent home from school today as she was very sniffly and coughing. She has tested negative on a LFT this morning. School asked her to be taken for a pcr- her dad took her this eve. I asked him to put her to bed earlier than usual as she's clearly unwell.
He didn't ( I know it's because he was looking on his phone ). I shouted downstairs at 8.30 for her to go to bed. She ran up and put herself to bed really fast.
This is not typical for her. I think it's because she is frightened of this being a source of friction between DH and me. I just feel so sorry for her- keep thinking of her lying in bed worrying that her mummy and daddy se going to split up- and trying to prevent it.

If I'd just asked DH to put her to bed pleasantly when I realised he hadn't, she wouldn't be upset now.

Can't stop crying- just feel so bad for her, knowing what information is coming to her( ie the separation) and also that my impatience tonight has upset her unnecessarily.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/01/2022 21:06

If you think she is picking up on the tension then wouldn’t it be kinder to tell her now what your plans are ?

Children blame themselves and put themselves under incredible pressure to try and hold things together. You could save her from that by telling her the truth instead of letting her build up something even worse in her head.

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 21:09

You’re unwell and he hadn’t done something he should have.
Cut yourself some slack, and apologise tomorrow if you need to.

SuckIt · 31/01/2022 21:11

Just make some time tomorrow to apologise for your impatience today.
Try not to feel guilty, there are obviously reasons why you and DH are separating and ultimate it will be better for your DD to live in two happier homes than living as a go between for two grumpy parents.
Go easy on yourself.

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Peasandcabbage · 31/01/2022 21:11

Agree with both, tell her and cut yourself some slack.

But I don't really understand the set up,

Dd time to go to bed,
Dd time to go to bed come and give mum a cuddle....
If you can shout you can shout.

Maybe you did and she did cuddle you but if you can't get out of bed At all to go hug her? Surely she can come to you.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 31/01/2022 21:13

@AnyFucker

If you think she is picking up on the tension then wouldn’t it be kinder to tell her now what your plans are ?

Children blame themselves and put themselves under incredible pressure to try and hold things together. You could save her from that by telling her the truth instead of letting her build up something even worse in her head.

Thank you for your reply. I see your point- the only reason we hadn't told her yet is because we thought it might be easier on her if we tell her closer to the time. DH's new home isn't available until start of April. We had thought about telling her a couple of weeks before then. I can't imagine what the atmosphere would be like at home if she knew we were living together but actually wanted to be apart. Most of the time we get on ok- I guess my tolerance is low today as I feel so unwell.
OP posts:
Original poster
iloveitalia · 31/01/2022 21:16

@Peasandcabbage

Agree with both, tell her and cut yourself some slack.

But I don't really understand the set up,

Dd time to go to bed,
Dd time to go to bed come and give mum a cuddle....
If you can shout you can shout.

Maybe you did and she did cuddle you but if you can't get out of bed At all to go hug her? Surely she can come to you.

I'd love to give her a cuddle- but I'm self isolating.
OP posts:
Nostrings457 · 31/01/2022 21:18

You could tell her earlier and then she could experience spending time with you both together and you demonstrate that just because you won’t be living together you will remain friends / friendly (most appropriate word for you) and both love her so much. It might actually give her some reassurance

Peasandcabbage · 31/01/2022 21:18

@iloveitalia ah, I see. We have never done that, all for one here. But I fully accept all families different. I hope you feel better and can hug her soon. That must be tough.

ShallWeTalkAboutBruno · 31/01/2022 21:18

Gosh I can’t imagine isolating from my 9 year old. We just carried on as normal when we had covid in the house.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 31/01/2022 21:18

Thank you for all your replies everyone- I appreciate you taking the time to write them.

OP posts:
Original poster
iloveitalia · 31/01/2022 21:24

In my case I have to isolate. DH has CML , which is a type of leukaemia. It isn't life threatening but means he is vulnerable.

OP posts:
ChittyChittyBoomBoom · 31/01/2022 21:25

We separated but continued living together (over lockdown 1). We decided not to tell our 3 children until my house was nearer completion (I wanted to be able to answer questions about where I/they’d be living). I felt utterly sick at the thought of telling them about h the separation but it wasn’t quite as bad as I’d imagined and it was over very quickly. In the end, there was about 3 months of us all still living together and it was fine (in our circumstances anyway). The children got to see us getting along and I hope it gave them some reassurance that we would still be able to get along.

Original poster
iloveitalia · 31/01/2022 21:28

@ChittyChittyBoomBoom

We separated but continued living together (over lockdown 1). We decided not to tell our 3 children until my house was nearer completion (I wanted to be able to answer questions about where I/they’d be living). I felt utterly sick at the thought of telling them about h the separation but it wasn’t quite as bad as I’d imagined and it was over very quickly. In the end, there was about 3 months of us all still living together and it was fine (in our circumstances anyway). The children got to see us getting along and I hope it gave them some reassurance that we would still be able to get along.
This is helpful- thank you.
OP posts:
Whatwhywhenwhere · 31/01/2022 22:15

It’s often a relief for the child. The bad atmosphere goes, they get happier one on one time with each parent. The parents are happier and that change is absorbed by the child.

If she can feel the tension it might be a relief.

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