I feel like my life is one mistake after the other, I am constantly making 'little' mistakes, that I tell myself are just small minor mistakes, but in reality I do know it must be annoying for other people. I got pulled up on several minor stupid mistakes that I made on an excel sheet at work today, mainly due to a lack of attention to detail, I've been at my job for 4 years and every six months or so my boss pulls me aside because of careless mistakes caused by a lack of focus, each time I apologise and say I'll learn from it but in reality I don't know how.. I have no idea how to focus better. My boss always wants to know why I made the mistake and I never know what to say, 'I can't focus' or 'because I'm an idiot' don't seem like appropriate answers. I feel like at any given time I am either making a mistake, worrying that I've made a mistake, or realising I've made a mistake and figuring out what to do. feel like I am constantly on edge worrying about what mistakes I might have made, I don't trust my own brain. I am really susceptible to being gaslit too because I just can't trust my own brain. Like there are instances where my boss has pulled me up for mistakes that I genuinely didn't think were my fault, but I can't say for sure so I just accept that they must be.
My job before this was exactly the same, and before that I was at uni and I constantly made stupid mistakes then too. My catch phrase when I was a kid was 'it was just a little accident' because I was constantly having stupid little accidents. Sometimes people act totally baffled by me, I really do think I baffle a lot of people including my own parents and boyfriend. I have been told before that stuff only seems to happen to me and not to other people. Just random stuff like, recently, I went to bed with clean pyjamas on, and I woke up with pen all over my pyjama top! My boyfriend was baffled, I was baffled, and it did make me feel really down because.. Who just randomly wakes up with pen all over them!
I feel like a stupid pathetic human, who is 27 but actually more like a child. Sometimes my boyfriend has to parent me which is embarrassing.
A couple years ago after being told off for my lack of focus by my boss, I googled 'why can't I focus' and loads of stuff about adhd came up.. I resonated with it a lot tbh, I think it would make sense, I've been on the waiting list for an assessment since May 2021 but heard nothing since and tbh part of me is scared because if they say I don't have it, then i basically have no 'excuse' for my stupid brain, and the other part of me thinks what's the point in even having an assessment, it's not like Adhd can be fixed!
I just want to hide away in a cloud and never come out 😖
(Just a disclaimer but my boyfriend is really supportive and never tries to make me feel bad about myself, always tries to lift me up and help my self esteem but i still baffle him sometimes lol)