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Moved back to childhood suburb, feeling stifled

17 replies

Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 10:56

A couple of years ago, we moved back to the suburb I grew up in.

I struggled growing up here and I didn't know why at the time. I never really fitted in or was part of the various cliques.

It's a place where everybody knows everybody, one secondary school, most people stay here, marry somebody they went to school with and raise their kids here. There's a popular pub where everybody seems to go and stay from the age of 18.

It's a very insular place. I was bored here as a teen, I liked the music scene and pubs/clubs in the city, so when I went to college in a larger town, I spread my wings, met good friends and finally found my tribe.

My childhood suburb is not remotely diverse and most people's Facebook feeds are filled with anti vax, Brexit and This is England type posts.

I went off to uni and moved as soon as I could and lived in large cities and towns. I've had an interesting career, lots of different friend groups and I love city life and entertainment/culture, diversity.

We moved back a couple of years ago for family reasons and I really struggled with buying here. My children, at secondary, don't attend school round here, they still attend their big West Mids inner city schools, which are very diverse.

As I don't hang out with anybody from school and it's been 30 years since I lived here, I had managed to remain mostly anonymous and tried to treat my home as a 'base'.

When we moved, I also took a job a few miles away where a number of people from school work. Previously, I'd worked in a large city centre organisation. I am also finding the small, local workplace hard. I feel doubly trapped. The colleagues who went to school with me were posting news of my job on FB, that I joined the workplace, so I feel everybody knows my business again.

I am Facebook friends with a number of people from school. I don't post much on there, but now somebody is trying to organise a reunion. I can't defriend everybody, as I work with some. It's awkward.

I like the anonymity I had after leaving the suburb and for years after. I find this place hasn't changed in 30 years and I feel thrust back to the awkward teenager thanks to all the reunion photos and tags - everybody seems thrilled the reunion is happening.

I feel like I have nothing in common witb the old classmates. DH thought I was exaggerating, but we clicked on many profiles, which had Nigel Farrage re-posts, Covid conspiracy posts, casual racism, celebrating 'Freedom Day' in Jan 2020 etc. This appeared on profile after profile. I cannot relate to any of their posts and now realise that the 15 year old me, couldn't relate to it back then. I'd be at the bus stop as a teen, ready to meet my college friends in the city, and the yobs would taunt me for looking different.

It's really bringing me down, as I feel reeled back in, living in the place I grew up in, working up the road, and feeling like my old 15 year old misfit thanks to the reunion.

I think I'm going to have to move once the kids finish exam years. This is not good for my mental health.

Sorry for the sprawling post and name change, but am I alone in feeling such claustrophobia about where I grew up and how can I escape?

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 30/01/2022 11:03

I don’t understand why in earth you moved back there when you feel this strongly?! No “family reason “ worth that surely?

Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 11:07

I moved back to be close to my mother, whose health isn't great, it was all done in a rush and there didn't feel to be much choice at the time.
I panic bought.

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SNUG2022 · 30/01/2022 11:12

I did this! Sounds so similar I'm wondering if it's actually the same suburb Grin. We moved in the end to try to find somewhere where people had similar values to us.

manchester86 · 30/01/2022 11:27

It also sounds like where I grew up, no way could I imagine moving back there. My parents always maintain we had the perfect childhood- which I suppose we did, village next to the sea where we had so much freedom and everyone knew us but the casual racism/homophobia etc that I see everytime I go back makes me so glad my kids are city kids.
My daughter amazed me the other day telling me about one of her classmates and all their family traditions (Muslim) that even at my age I didn't know as much about. Whereas when I was growing up the only black person in the village was known as "black Bob" to everyone.

ChinUpChestOut · 30/01/2022 11:39

Make a plan - with deadlines - so that you know you're getting out, providing your DH is on board with this.

Accept that unless you're really lucky, you may lose money.

But go for it. Life's too short to be stuck in a neighbourhood - twice - that you hate.

FloatyBoaty · 30/01/2022 11:43

I did the same, after a marriage breakdown that left me on my knees.

I ended up moving to a small town quite near childhood home but with an enormously different vibe, much more liberal, diverse and have actually been able to find a job with an international company that I can do 95% from home or coworking spaces, with colleagues around the world. None local to me.

I feel you though. The first 4 years living 2 miles from where I grew up, feeling like I’d taken giant life steps backwards, almost killed me.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/01/2022 11:45

Don’t go to the reunion - fake an illness if you have to. Racist morons.

You moved back for emotional reasons most people would understand and relate to. You will move again in the future. In the meantime, focus on minimising the negative factors (mute/unfollow all those old school acquaintances for a start). It must have been extra stifling during lockdowns.

Loopytiles · 30/01/2022 11:52

It sounds like the move was a mistake. Since the DCs remain in their old school, presumably a commute away, why not move again?

Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 12:02

Thanks - SNUG, that's it. I don't share their values. I'm ashamed to identify with the seemingly collective mindset, so maybe that's why I feel so uncomfortable.
Don't get me wrong, some friends left and they aren't on FB. I'm in touch with my one good friend from school, who only felt he could come out once he had left. He lives in another country now!

Chester - my husband loves the house, which could be an issue. It's a great house, annoyingly. Ironically, my mother is moving into a retirement place, so we will not be tied here.
I just want kids to finish exam years without more disruption.

I need to do some FB culling. And invent an excuse around the reunion time, as my colleagues will be asking me if I'm going.

OP posts:
Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 12:04

@Loopytiles

It sounds like the move was a mistake. Since the DCs remain in their old school, presumably a commute away, why not move again?
Yes, another downside is the commute, but we are close to the end of secondary school now, so hanging on for that and my mother to move.
OP posts:
Loopytiles · 30/01/2022 12:16

‘hanging on’ for DC to finish exams: how many years is that? If only one or two, would see what DH’s views are about moving again after that. If more than two years off for the youngest DC would move again sooner, since IMO the stress etc of the move would be outweighed by benefits of moving for you and the DC, eg shorter journey to school.

eurochick · 30/01/2022 12:22

I feel like this about where I grew up. I had a nice childhood there but when I moved away from university I realised it didn't suit me. I would have it found it very claustrophobic to move back. I'm not sure what to say other than move as soon as you can!

HomeHomeInTheRange · 30/01/2022 12:23

Sounds stultifying. But it was a lovely thing you did for your Mum.

Since the kids are able to travel to their schools in the city, would you be able to get a new cut based job in a more vibrant environment? As an interim measure?

I can’t imagine your Mum’s need is diminishing, but could you use this year to get care or a network in place for her? Pursue Attendance Allowance / a care needs assessment/ carers / accompany her to some social events / put mobility and access aids in the house, or whatever she needs?

And then move back!

How long til your Dc leave school?

Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 12:25

It's 2 years for exams/uni, so hoping DH might be interested in downsizing.

He didn't grow up here, so doesn't have my 'baggage' and he still works in 'the city' but wfh currently.

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Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 12:29

Home thanks. My mothet is moving to a retirement village, where a relative also lives. This is a big weight off my mind and, it's nearer the city, so that will help.

I am thinking of going freelance with my work, so hopefully can work anywhere.

I think DH will be a harder nut to crack as he seems to like the house and village feel, he was raised in a bigger town, so it's a novelty for him, I think.

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JohnStonesMissus · 30/01/2022 12:36

It sounds like the place I grew up in, the whole place knew each other, drank in the same pubs married within the same circle, and yes full of insular anti vaxers, it was my idea of hell and couldn't wait to escape, I left 25 years ago now and never looked back, I've been back to visit a couple of times and it's still the same, but this time I can jump in my car and drive 3 hours back to my lovely West Sussex!

Reflectionsof · 30/01/2022 15:06

John, the distance definitely helps.
I feel like I'm in an episode of The Twilight Zone!

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