Is this low level bullying?

[angryfalafel]

I work in a busy and hectic environment. I get on with all members of staff and we all bring something different to the team in terms of roles and experience. But there is one member of staff who is making the job hard for me.

This person has intervened and taken over something I've been doing on several occasions.

Throws out things that belong to me.

Shuts me down in meetings or if it's something that the team could all do that I've suggested (and we all make those suggestions in this job) then will say that I should just do it.

If myself and another member of staff have concerns about something and I question her about it she gets all defensive and then says "well, I'll do it then" knowing that I'll say it's all ok I will do it.
If it goes badly - she'll laugh and if if goes well she'll gloat.

Another member of staff couldn't remember where something was going that had been spoken about previously and so I asked and she uses the
"Remember we said " phrase like I'm an absolute idiot. She does that phrase a lot.

She has spoken very rudely to me like I'm stupid on several occasions.

There are so many low level incidents that occur that I probably can't think of them all. The thing is we're just two very different people.

She wants to look busy and efficient and I can do the same job without all that.

She targets me and then compliments other members of the team.

The thing is I feel like it's making me feel awful about a great job and also that it's so low level and often not seen by others that maybe it's all in my head.

She also complains about the boss when she's not in.

I'm just not sure what to do.
I could talk to my boss about it but she is a bit in awe of this person anyway as she helps her out and walks on water when the boss is around.

Has anybody else noticed this? Is there anyway you can communicate with her via email so you have evidence?

An ex member of staff was aware and had similar issues.

The thing is I feel like the other members of staff don't want to get involved and when it's in a meeting and seen by them this person is often sickly sweet and it's almost veiled.

Jesus. She sounds awful. You're going to have to develop a really thick skin and outward vacant smile. It's a power thing. She's obviously put herself in competition with you so pay no heed.

Agree with @Fritilleries. I have had a couple of coworkers/supervisors like this. ‘Gray rock’ this person so there is very little payback for them in terms of you appearing bothered or flustered as that will feed into their power trip. It is maddening though.

And yes, it is abusive behaviour.

Thanks for replying. You're so right. We are both strong in different contrasting areas of our job and I'm happy to learn from her as she's obviously knows more in her area but if I even mention anything to her about my area she turns on me.

DH says it's jealousy. She's is extremely controlling and two faced. From what I can tell it's a symptom of her personal life too.

It really helps that you get me, because the fact the others don't say anything makes me doubt myself.

I'm going to attempt vacant smiles and grey rocks tomorrow.

Do - it confuses them.

I've had this before and the thing that helped me was to keep telling myself it wasn't personal. If she wasn't doing it to me, she'd be doing it to someone else. In fact it turned out she had done it to the previous two women in my post.

That was also the reason no-one else in the team stepped in to support me even though they all saw it, too worried it would be them next.

There is always one right? I actually don't think you should grey rock her. I'd say you corner and conquer her. She is jealous and is trying to grab power. Try and mirror her game and do the same. Start to vehemently undermine her, ask intentionally awkward questions and start networking closely with your managers and coworkers. Rather than sitting nicely and letting this happen to you, I'd actually sharpen my elbows and out compete her every single day. At least that way, her fears come true and you will be doing the best possible job you can. You might like to have a quiet word with your line manager first though.

@PackChique

There is always one right? I actually don't think you should grey rock her. I'd say you corner and conquer her. She is jealous and is trying to grab power. Try and mirror her game and do the same. Start to vehemently undermine her, ask intentionally awkward questions and start networking closely with your managers and coworkers. Rather than sitting nicely and letting this happen to you, I'd actually sharpen my elbows and out compete her every single day. At least that way, her fears come true and you will be doing the best possible job you can. You might like to have a quiet word with your line manager first though.

Have a quiet word with the manager... what are they going to do? You'll just appear incapable of managing your own work relationships.

Have a quiet word with the manager... what are they going to do? You'll just appear incapable of managing your own work relationships. yes you might be right. BTW, I've never done what I suggested, it's what I will do next time this happens. I've usually tried to grey rock or leave the company. But there seems to be a miserable cow like this in every team. I am determined to fight back next time.

Have a quiet word with the manager... what are they going to do? You'll just appear incapable of managing your own work relationships.

I think it would probably go this way unfortunately. Boss is lovely but very worried about not rocking any boats.

Personally I’d call her out on this. If she’s rude or condescending to you, tell her so. And don’t take any nonsense from her in meetings - if she tries to shut you down again, state calmly and clearly that you haven’t finished making your point and that you don’t appreciate her talking over you.

It’s a difficult situation OP, but the more you allow her to get away with this sort of the behaviour, the more she’ll do it.

If the other person is taking over your work ask your boss to insist on professional boundaries. Explain that whilst it may be meant constructively ( ) you feel undermined.

Thanks.
You have no idea how much this is helping me. Honestly it's been going on for far too long.
There's lots I can use from the things you've said. I need to tread very carefully so she doesn't turn it on me and make out I'm the crazy one... this is how she works.

Grey rock and try to communicate as much by email as you can. Try having a few stock replies/comebacks for when she tries to undermine you in meeting. Such as “please don’t interrupt/talk over me/I hadn’t finished making my point”. Be assertive without being confrontational. If she asks to take over your work, as her to confirm it in an email. Then you could reply with “thank you for offering to do xxx, however, it is my remit/part of my role, I will do it on this occasion.

I've had something similar - this is passive aggressive bullying. You might want to think about talking it over with HR informally to discuss strategies on how to handle. This way it also gives HR a heads up that there could be an issue with this individual - just in case it escalates. Especially if your manager is unwilling to intervene.

I spoke to my boss! Not about everything but about the most recent stuff. There's been extra batshit stuff over the last couple of days. She was very supportive and adamant that I must tell her if things happen and she was very glad I'd spoken to her.

Just in case batshit bully (BB) is a Mumsnetter I'm not going to say what happening going forward but it's looking more positive.

Thanks for listening.