Trying to prepare myself - Trigger warning - Cancer

[lialw]

Very close family member has terminal cancer. Stage four, Lung and bone. When first diagnosed asked if he had two years left and was told no. That was nine months ago.

Over the last month he has gone from having a full meal, to just maybe having a dessert, to having one spoonful of ice cream per day. He is still drinking. He is losing weight obviously.

I know him not eating means one thing, Not even sure what I'm asking, I think I'm trying to prepare for what comes next. He does not want hospice care if possible and would like to pass at home.

How long do they generally have left once they stop eating/barely eat? I know nobody can answer this, Just hoping other people who have been through the same can help?

Sorry you're going through this with your family member.

Once people stop eating and are not drinking very much, it's not usually very long before they pass away. Possibly a week or so, sometimes less. It's usual for a syringe driver is set up for them. This delivers medication - pain relief, anti sickness meds and sedation - through the skin in order to keep them comfortable.

It's okay for people not to eat or drink towards the end because it's the body's way of limiting intake of things it can't process. This can prevent nausea and abdominal discomfort and the build up of fluid that can affect breathing.

Once someone is on a syringe driver they usually sleep for most of the time and gradually become less responsive as they near the end.

I hope your family member is comfortable and the nurses are attending regularly to keep things under control.

My mum (palliative care nurse of many years) used to say to families 'if they're not going very far they don't need much petrol in the tank' as they burn so much less energy when they become bed bound.
Even if your family member doesn't want to go into the hospice it could be worth talking to them anyway, as often their nurses go to the patient's home to manage symptoms and allow the family to get some rest. My mum did that a lot.
I'm so sorry about your relative. X

Also, the bit about the syringe driver and morphine and being asleep - mum used to say the patient will just float away gently on a fluffy cloud of morphine. She says it's a very good, kind way to go xxx

mum used to say the patient will just float away gently on a fluffy cloud of morphine. She says it's a very good, kind way to go

I'm sorry but this is not always true. It's nice to give this impression, but loved ones also need to be prepared that the end can be quite distressing to see. A better way to put it is that their loved one will not be aware by that point, they are not in discomfort.

I'd definitely agree about finding about the hospice at home service. The carers (which might be a nurse or a specialist healthcare assistant) will come to your home and support your loved one and all of you as a family. We had a carer with us when our loved one passed, and having someone there to guide us through such a harrowing time was a great comfort.

We had a harrowing end, we were not prepared. It was lung cancer and spread to liver and bones.
It was basically 6 or 7 days from not really eating anymore. Two days before he passed away he had two or three teaspoons of custard. The day before he passed away he could Not swallow anymore. So not just food but meds. We were on a "call us and we will come to administer morphine" plan with the Macmillan nurses, he was
Crying in pain, very sick and it took eight hours before they arrived. Watching your loved one in pain and no one comes, despite their assurances they would be with us every step of the way was honestly terrifying.
Since he could not swallow the liquid paracetamol and morphine could not be administered.
Get a plan in place with the nurses who will administer the drugs via the syringe driver.
I'm so sorry you are goi g through this. It is brutal and you are grieving before they are gone.

I am sorry to hear what you are facing.

My mum persisted, sometimes on the syringe driver, sometimes not, eating a tiny amount, for about 4 or 5 months. At home with hospice care passing through a few times a week and the constant, very loving, 24 hour attention of her DH. Every time I saw her I thought it would be the last time, but she kept on in a condition that I didn't think was possible to live in. Perhaps it's because she didn't really want to be on morphine and kept being weaned off it by DH. She was fighting, not slipping away. She was very aware. I wish it had been shorter. I think that she lived 6 months too long unfortunately.

I recently lost both my parents to cancer, I was with my dad when he passed and was horrified at the process, it wasn’t until later when I was talking to my grief counsellor about this that she explained that a person who is in the last hours of their life has a much different consciousness, what they are experiencing is completely different to what you would see. We were in palliative care so surrounded by nurses able to administer and drug needed to make them comfortable.
I think you need to make sure you very clearly know who to contact and when to make sure that pain relief is administrated when needed. I think at this time loved ones become the biggest advocate to making sure appropriate care is taken.
I’m really sorry you are in this position, I would not wish it on anyone.

So sorry you are going through this. My nan had lung and bone cancer, for her it was very quick towards the end.

My Mum passed away from brain cancer, secondary to lung aged 59. She was told she had between 3-6 months but actually lasted 9. In her last 2 weeks she only ate ice cream and had to be fed by us. She was then on a syringe driver for 4 days before she passed. We sat holding her hand speaking to her as the hospice nurses said your hearing is the last to go and she could still hear us. I wasn't convinced but when I said 'I love you', she squeezed my hand 4 times, very weakly, which I took as 'I love you too'.
I hope your relative has a peaceful passing and I'm sorry you're going through this