Feel like an outcast at work among middle class 20-somethings

[blairout]

Firstly just want to apologise for reducing my lovely colleagues to just 'middle class 20-somethings' just couldn't really find another way of summarising this post

I started working for a new company, I started working last November so haven't been there long, and with work from home I haven't been to the office many times. It's quite a young, 'cool' company. My line manager, for example, is only 28 (I'm 25). Everyone I interact with on a day-to-day basis is in their 20s or early 30s.

They are all just really intimidating to me. Even though we're all a similar age, they seem ahead of me and I feel really boring and immature in comparison. I've been at university and working in academic research which I feel like has kept me feeling young, almost like a school mentality. They have flats and boyfriends/fiances and travel abroad and are well-cultured. They go to interesting restaurants and art galleries and museums.

I just get really embarrassed and feel like I can't keep up with them and can't join in the conversations. I'm single, living at home at the moment for several reasons, only being it's the only thing I can afford on my entry-level salary aside from a house share in a dodgy area with a long commute and I've only ever been abroad once when I was 14. I'm from a working class background too, not that that matters but it does mean I've grown up differently to them.

I look at them with complete awe, but it makes me feel really sad and lacking in comparison. I find the conversations really difficult as there are so many topics I just can't give an opinion on - for example, favourite places to travel.

Does anyone have any advice? I'm torn between wanting to bridge the gap and just try and grow to their level, or whether to just embrace the fact that I'm different

Just be honest about yourself. Indulge them and ask about the countries they've visited, say you'd like to visit one day, etc.

It's a tough gig but you are helping to make that workplace diverse. You can break down barriers, broaden your colleagues' horizons (in a different way) and you can make some great friends, just don't be ashamed to be yourself.

Oh OP, you are mature and self aware enough to have realised the issue and acted upon it by asking for help. I bet many of your colleagues wouldn’t have done the same.

Firstly, you do not have to ‘grow to their level’ because they aren’t above you. They’re just different. If you’d like to learn more about ‘their’ stuff then do it for your own sake, because you genuinely find something interesting. Maybe try a MUBI subscription and watch some films? Spend a Saturday afternoon in a gallery? If you develop a genuine passion for something then it will shine through and you’ll find yourself making real friends with similar interests and not merely keeping up with people for the sake of it. Good luck!

Thank you for your advice

It's really overwhelming, I left work today and just felt so sad and deflated

You work in academic research! I can imagine many people would feel intimidated in comparison!
You have also reached the same destination as these colleagues. You are not beneath them!
I totally understand the feeling of not fitting in but objectively you have done very well for yourself.

It's the old imposter syndrome... I've had it all my working life and have it now in my new job, although for me it's to do with feeling out of my comfort zone in regards to the work rather than social class/culture/class mobility.

When I was younger and a student I used to feel like you but in reverse. When I returned home from university in the summer I would work in supermarkets etc. The area I grew up in is very deprived and there were few students then. I felt worlds apart from my colleagues at the supermarket who would listen to my wishes to go travelling to the middle East and just wonder why... My degree choice or the fact that I did bell ringing and fencing at university - activities that were totally alien to them. The fact that I was a veggie, lesbian, read the Guardian, listened to classical music... That was also a very alienating experience for me but I just tried to get my head down and get through each day.

I feel really similar to you OP. Everyone seems to have experienced more in life than what I have done so far & they are younger than me! I feel a little inadequate! Sorry not any help but you're not the only one x

Oh OP. I've felt this before and it's horrible isn't it. I'm sure they are lovely but I think it's helpful to remember that them having done more things,perhaps having certain cultural references that you don't want means that they are lucky to have had these opportunities. It doesn't make them any better. I know you know this but worth saying. They may be interested in another perspective and life experience and like someone else says you can ask questions and also talk about what you'd like to do.

Just say things and join in confidently and ask questions- even if they are boring. Slowly your confidence will built. Worked for me in my last job where I was too shy to open my mouth for ages!I made myself say boring things. Turns out the world didn't crash and sometimes they were interesting.

Good luck!

Also wanted to say that all that they are that you admire - you can be like that too. Identify it and work on it.

Are they paid more than you? How do they afford their flats, holidays and eating out?

You sound really lovely Blairout. The only advice I can give is to say that comparison is the thief of joy. Take an interest yes for sure in their interests, be curious - but don't conform. There is nothing wrong with you.

OP what are your own hobbies and interests? Can you make sure you indulge in them regularly?

I've worked with all sorts of people over the years and it's surprising who has interests like being twitcher.

I remember feeling just like this OP.

One day the conversation around the desk was about how they never in their life have eaten a shop bought chicken Kiev. I was inwardly thinking argh! I've eaten tons of them!

Someone turned to me as I was new and trying to bring me in on the conversation saying "How about you Ancient?" And I did for a split second think - should I also wrinkle up my nose and say urgh no way, beige food bleurgh! (As was their general consensus.)

When it came down to it I said "I would love to sit here and pretend I've never eaten a shop bought Kiev but I've had them lots of times!" It weirdly gave me a bit of respect from them that I didn't just go along with what was being said and I think if they were being honest they'd all had them too.

Don't get me started on crispy pancakes

I really feel like the main issue is your own perception of yourself, followed by a difference in your life experiences due to class.
I’m assuming they are from more wealthy back ground hence the more travel experience….that doesn’t make them any better. If anything it sounds like they could be a bit pretentious talking about restaurant and travel a lot.

I bet they don’t perceive you as any “less” than them at all.

I’d def go for the embrace your difference and try to be a bit more positive about yourself and what you bring to the table.

Firstly
You sound self aware… the key factor is this point

I've been at university and working in academic research which I feel like has kept me feeling young, almost like a school mentality.

this is 100% a thing.
My BIL and one of my DHs best friends are in academia and they do show as “behind” their peers/ immature in some ways.
my husbands friend is early 30s and it’s now at the point it causing real problems for him (ie within himself he feels very behind / left behind)

By happy you are out and in the “real world” but ultimately it sounds like you just have a bit of imposter syndrome.
It comes in many guises but just remember to take what people say with a pinch of salt and remember a lot of people of full of crap.

Example: My company particularly attracts a lot of “stunningly brave” type individuals who overcome terrible adversity to achieve MAD professional success (almost all have some made for tv type adversity sob story)

I felt a bit inadequate when I joined as I am very “normal” (my parents were working/ middle class, I got a scholarship and studied hard and went to a good-ish uni, post graduation I worked hard and got lucky)

My coworkers “tale” of arriving to same job level as me was along the lines of…

Coworker: I grew up in a favella in a rio slum self taught myself English and learned to code
Me:

The reality: She was born in Rio…. her mother remarried a multimillionaire when she was 18 months and went to a fair nice prep then a private boarding school. She even spent one summer at necker island because Sam Brandon was in her class!!!

@AncientWhitedogpoop

I remember feeling just like this OP.

One day the conversation around the desk was about how they never in their life have eaten a shop bought chicken Kiev. I was inwardly thinking argh! I've eaten tons of them!

Someone turned to me as I was new and trying to bring me in on the conversation saying "How about you Ancient?" And I did for a split second think - should I also wrinkle up my nose and say urgh no way, beige food bleurgh! (As was their general consensus.)

When it came down to it I said "I would love to sit here and pretend I've never eaten a shop bought Kiev but I've had them lots of times!" It weirdly gave me a bit of respect from them that I didn't just go along with what was being said and I think if they were being honest they'd all had them too.

Don't get me started on crispy pancakes

This made me chuckle. I remember my flat mates in uni marvelling at my freybentos……”pie in a tin!”

Sam branson*

What you're describing is imposter syndrome. I too am from a working class background and have always felt cowed by my middle class working environment. The irony is that, as a teacher, it's all about equity for disadvantaged students now, but that really doesn't translate into adulthood.

What I would say is that in my mid-40s, I'm about ready to accept that I'm as good at my job as my colleagues.

Don't be intimidated. You got where you are on merit.

Blair, life will change for you as you grow more confident. You will be happy in your own skin. Don't make comparisons and, whatever you do, never behave as though you are inferior in any way because you are not.

Just let your new experience inspire you to try new things. Go to the museums and galleries. Plan a city weekend away.

Don't feel intimidated though. No one will be looking down on you unless they're complete arseholes which is unlikely. Listen to the things they like and try them out.

I have felt this too, still do sometimes. My young relatives seem way more accomplished and knowledgeable than me now! When I was in my twenties I hadn't travelled like everyone else for financial reasons (and lived at home for several stints) and I remember all the "what's your favourite airport" conversations.

My friend has imposter syndrome feelings and had therapy. She was from Sheffield and all her male ancestors worked in the steel mills and all the women had pin money jobs as such well that’s how their jobs were viewed. She worked at the same University as me and was head of her dept.

I’m from a poor background but from an immigrant family and never had any such hang ups as my family just took zero notice, glad I escaped it.

On the culture aspect, I remember someone describing another person as well-informed, rather than actually being really interested or understanding arts and culture. So just because they’ve been to all the current exhibitions and appear knowledgeable doesn’t mean it actually goes deep. So don’t be intimidated. And also there’s no reason why you can’t get to that level yourself.

I’ve been there. I never went abroad as a kid as my parents couldn’t afford it. We’d drive to the other end of the country to see my grandparents every summer and that was the holiday. When people casually ask if you ski and what your favourite holiday destination is I just think they have a lack of self awareness to be honest. As someone who grew up poor and working class I’m fully aware there are richer people who’ve done more than me but it seems that a lot of people with privilege and opportunities have a tendency to assume everyone has access to what they’ve had.

That said, if you want to go to museums and galleries nothing’s stopping you - many are free to visit. Living with your parents should allow you to start saving so you can work towards other things you want like visiting certain places or saving for your own place. Many of them have probably had financial help to get their homes. There’s nothing like the feeling of satisfaction and pride knowing you’ve done it all yourself, though.

When I was in your situation I was unapologetically myself. I had no qualms about saying that no, I’d never done something because I’d never been able to afford it.

There's nothing wrong with you OP, your life experience is just different, not "above" or "below".
You can see difference as a learning opportunity. Don't try and pretend you are "the same", don't put yourself down either. Just be curious and open minded (like when you were at university)

Best strategy in the short term is to mostly listen, so you get an idea of what your overall workplace culture is, and what makes each of your colleagues unique. You don't have to talk about yourself to participate to conversations. You can ask further questions. People love to talk about themselves...
Then as you listen, you can make plans on how (if you wish to) you could best fit it. Typically, cultural stuff that don't cost much are your best bet: e.g. things like books, museums or art galleries. Books are cheap, and some museums/galleries offer virtual visits for free (entry can be free as well). You can expand your horizon quickly that way. Expensive travels to exotic places can wait...

I’m 24, travelled, moved and lived on my own in 4 different countries and 2 different continents. Am married and expecting my first child.

I sometimes wake up sad and disheartened after having had a dream in which I was studying towards postgraduates studies.

I’ve always wanted to pursue academic research and admire people who have.
I actually used to date a guy who was a phd student and was intimidated by him.
I also look fondly at my uni years and sometimes wish I had taken things more slowly.
Growing up, I hated fools who thought their wealth and passport stamps constituted a personality. Many many ‘cultured’ people are all talk and no idea of their own. Just spitting out the first two chapters they read of a book.

I could bet money that those people are intimidated by you, OP