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Original poster

About women / wives / mums doing all (or most of) the night wakings

38 replies

MaidinChelsea79 · 27/01/2022 22:18

A random question but a genuinely confused one...

Read another thread about a woman who's husband never wakes up for their toddler and it's prompted me to think about this scenario...

If a husband works full time (whether from home or otherwise) and a wife / mum is SAHP the general wisdom on Mumsnet is that the woman does all the night wakings (perhaps having one night off at the weekend). The fact that she is then potentially exhausted all day looking after a baby/toddler with sleep regressions and also running a home is deemed less important than the husband's feeling rested for work, because he's bringing in the money.

If the woman/wife/mum returns to work, she is now "at work" and the husband and wife now share the night wakings.

Have I got that right?

Does the amount / proportion of money she's bringing in affect the amount of sleep she's deemed worthy of having?

OP posts:
Kbyodjs · 28/01/2022 06:57

Personally I find it much easier to be tired at home all day than be tired at work so for us I don’t mind being the one doing the night wakings and I get to catch up on sleep at the weekend. I don’t have to drive if I don’t need to compared to DH going to work and I can sit down more than he can.
However that’s not true for everyone and I think everyone has to work out what works for them.

Amichelle84 · 28/01/2022 06:58

I'm lucky in that my partner does help with night wakings etc BUT I do the majority share.

I am on maternity leave which is leave to look after our baby.

I do feel some women forget that sometimes. At the same time I do think their partners should help when they can and it should be left to the mum all of the time.

MadameHeisenberg · 28/01/2022 07:13

It makes sense to protect the main source of income, as everyone else has mentioned. Mulling around the house changing nappies when sleep-deprived is infinitely easier than getting up and doing a full day’s work.

When I was on mat leave (4 months), I’d get up in the week and DH at the weekend. Fortunately both babies slept through by 12 weeks, but if they hadn’t, we’d have shared night-wakings when both at work; it’s only fair after all.

But yeah, if you’re a SAHP then the majority of night-wakings should fall to you.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Babies & sleep Children's sleep Families
BobHadBitchTits · 28/01/2022 07:19

I'm on maternity leave. My husband is self employed from home.

We are sharing the night wakings.

SomewhereOnlyIKnow · 28/01/2022 07:26

I did them all. To start with it’s because I was BF, then it just seemed to become my job, but I was a SAHM although I never got a lie in. The noise stopped me sleeping and the kids would come up to me. I stopped them going up to him, but he never returned the favour.

girlmom21 · 28/01/2022 07:29

I'm currently on maternity leave so I've done the nights with both children but when I went back to work after the first whoever woke up went to her.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/01/2022 07:33

I did them all as I was a SAHM. My exh works as a train driver so him going to work exhausted could be dangerous and put lives at risk. Didn't bother me.

UpDownRound · 28/01/2022 07:40

Yes all these arguments about men needing to be well rested for their high level jobs don't follow when the woman is back at work, also in a high level job and then someone still has to be doing night wakings - even if the man does half, the woman is still having a disturbed night's sleep and expected to get on. But can a man do that when the baby is under a year and the mum is home? According to MN the answer seems to be 'hell no'. See also all the suggestions of mum lolling around the house or napping, from FTMs. Try that with a 2.5 year old who has dropped their nap. I work 40 hours over 4 days, have a 1 year old and am delighted to be back at work - much less tiring than being at home with two under 3s.

LadyCleathStuart · 28/01/2022 07:44

We shared the night wakings as soon as I finished BF'ing which I think was fair because as wonderful as DH is he couldn't lactate and my youngest in particular was a total bottle refuser for the first 6 months so although he would help with nappy changes in the night or get up and make me a cup of tea he couldn't feed them.

As toddlers when they were just up for a cuddle or because they wanted a drink etc then we shared.

I remember though when DS was about 4 months old and going through the awful sleep regression. I was still on mat leave but absolutley exhausted so DH was obviously up a lot helping me out. He was also exhausted and was driving to work each day. One day, due to tiredness, he made a mistake while driving, reflexes weren't quick enough and he had an accident. Thankfully he wasn't hurt and no one else was involved but it was so scary.

When I went back to work we shared 50/50.

But I actually agree that if someone is on mat leave or a SAHM they should do the majority of night wakings. It is their job to look after the children.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 28/01/2022 07:48

@UpDownRound

Yes all these arguments about men needing to be well rested for their high level jobs don't follow when the woman is back at work, also in a high level job and then someone still has to be doing night wakings - even if the man does half, the woman is still having a disturbed night's sleep and expected to get on. But can a man do that when the baby is under a year and the mum is home? According to MN the answer seems to be 'hell no'. See also all the suggestions of mum lolling around the house or napping, from FTMs. Try that with a 2.5 year old who has dropped their nap. I work 40 hours over 4 days, have a 1 year old and am delighted to be back at work - much less tiring than being at home with two under 3s.
Depends on circumstances. I didn't go back to work until DS was 4 and he stopped waking in the night before he was 2 so no issues there.
bonetiredwithtwins · 28/01/2022 07:51

To be honest I don't understand the MN furore over absolute sharing of parental duties from the minute a baby is born

Yes if you are a SAHM then all night waking should be your job - being tired in the day with a toddler is not the same as being tired in the day whilst working full time

ZoeTheThornyDevil · 28/01/2022 07:51

I did the night wakings for the very simple reason that both of my babies were EBF. Also I could and did nap in the day when on maternity leave. DH did the early mornings, all of them. Once they were each night weaned, we split the wakings and still do on the odd occasion there is one. Our concerns were never income, but fairness, sharing the load, and practicality.

Narutocrazyfox · 28/01/2022 07:56

I did all the night wakings because my children were exclusively breastfed, and so this was the quickest way to get them back to sleep. It makes no sense to wake a partner if the baby is going to demand mum anyway. My husband worked full time while I was on maternity leave so it seemed completely fair that I do the night wakings. I could rest during the day (when the baby and toddlers allowed, of course!!!)

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