DH is so soft on the kids and it's pissing me off.

[Invasionofthegutsnatchers]

DS8 has been really whiny tonight when asked to have his bath. He was picked up from school at 3.30 by DH who works from home and watched atV until I got home at 6pm (early years teacher, had been at work since 7.30am). We had a chat, DH made dinner, I fed the pets, made packed lunches for tomorrow, did some laundry, we ate dinner. 7.30pm came and it was time for bath. DS whined, fussed, asked for 10 more minutes of his TV programme, I said calmly no,bath time now as you need to be in bed by 8pm. Tomorrow I have to take them with me to work at 7.30am so they can go to school next door.

Shouting, shut up, I hate you from DS. Door slamming. I said, you have been rude, no tech tomorrow. I did his bath and DH put him to bed. I said to DH I can pick him up from school and he can do colouring etc in my classroom if he will find it hard to enforce no tech. DH huffed and slammed the door on me. I know he won't enforce it because he's so soft.

All day I work with (some, not all) children who parents give them no boundaries and never say no. It's so hard. I picked my battles tonight- DS didn't have to read to me, practise his spellings, help with chores. He sat around all evening. But I won't let him shout shut up when he's asked to move off the sofa.

Whose not who

Hell no, you're absolutely right. But as long as DH isn't on board you're going to be the baddie and that is very shit for you.

DS didn't have to read to me, practise his spellings, help with chores

Why didn’t DH do all that stuff with him? They had loads of time! Does DH put up with being shouted at to shut up?

If he is trying to work though he needs something to occupy him that will keep him quiet. Maybe you need to send him to after school club.

Sounds exactly like my house!

I think an hour or 2 at school with you doing helpful jobs like pencil sharpening and shorting out the toys sounds like an excellent plan.
And no, I would be spoken to like that either.
If your DH is supposed to be working while your son is at home then the tv makes sense but it can go off as a soon as school and work is over.
If he’s not working then he should be doing reading and spelling.

@AnneLovesGilbert

DS didn't have to read to me, practise his spellings, help with chores

DH was working from home between 3.30pm and 6pm when I got home. Sorry my post was jumbled. DD is 11 and sorts her own homework. The chore was just emptying his lunchbox and putting it out ready for the next day, not a big job.

I had asked DS to do these things, or at least some of them when I got home but he refused. The shut up comment was on top of that.

I know kids are tired after school but he can't just slob around indefinitely.

@Cattitudes they each do a couple of after school clubs a week, sporty type ones. Unfortunately this week they are cancelled as the coaches have covid.

Does DH work from home after he picks up DS? If yes then he’s probably reliant on the tech to ensure DS is entertained and quiet whilst he works. I totally agree that DS needed a punishment but unless I’ve totally got the wrong end of the stick I don’t think it was fair of you to come up with the no tech and expect DH to enforce that whilst he’s supposed to be working. I would have come up with another punishment unless you are genuinely happy to have DS come to your classroom instead. But I’m guessing this is part of a wider problem where your DH doesn’t discipline the kids ever so it’s more than just this one occurrence which is why you’re (justifiably) annoyed.

I'm more than happy to manage the no tech consequence by keeping DS in my classroom after school tomorrow instead of him going home, that's why I suggested it straight away. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask an 8 year old to occupy themselves without a screen for 2.5 hours but if DH is on calls etc he might struggle.

However having offered this solution I did want DH to be on board with it and I expect he'll say no, I'll pick up DS and then plonk him on the xbox playing Adopt Me. Which is undermining.

Any other consequence suggestions are welcome.

Take the xbox controllers to school with you then he cant undermine you

He cant moan that you didn't offer another solution you literally said to leave him with you

Ooh yeah I'll take the controllers. Nice plan!

The only thing I would say is that you seem to have imposed that consequence with no input from your DH. Your point of view is totally valid and you believe that is an appropriate consequence but your husband might not and his point of view would also be valid.

I was the softer parent and it used to really annoy me when my DH imposed a consequence that I felt was inappropriate. I liked to give warnings ‘you’ve done this. If you do it again, this will be the consequence’ and he used to go strait to ‘you’ve done this so your consequence is x’.

It’s difficult but you do both need to be on board with what is happening.

She literally said leave him with me to enforce it so it's not like his parenting will be tested in any way shape or form and him slamming the door just shows where his son got the attitude from really

I know someone with a father who was [and is] like this. Gave in to requests and did what his children wanted 'for a quiet life'

Now both children are adults, entitled and angry when things don't go their way, neither see other people's points of view or needs as being valid. Both pretty self absorbed and thoughtless, little regard to social problems etc. They are in their 40's and both single [never been married either]. Difficulties with friendships too. It's sad to see.

So OP I think you are right. Children need boundaries and consequences or they face a difficult time in the outside world as adults.