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Original poster

Apologising to friends I blocked

18 replies

Bagpusssays · 26/01/2022 19:25

Name changed. Been around a while.

After going through some traumatic experiences (including an acquaintance rape)

I messaged two long term friends thanking them for their friendship but saying I felt so unsupported I needed to end the friendship.

I blocked them both on Facebook.

Both had an email and postal address for me but respected my decision.

I'm now in a much better place.

Should I apologise (making clear I don't expect forgiveness or to resume being friends) or just leave it?

Do be honest. I know what I did sounds bad. There were many months leading up to this.

Both of them are good people.

OP posts:

Gardengates · 26/01/2022 19:30

DH was contacted by someone he worked with nearly 20 years ago. He was in AA and was on the making amends step. He apologised to DH for the way he treated him at work and DH really appreciated knowing he hadn't been terrible at his job or a bad friend. They aren't in touch now but it gave DH some much needed closure.

Contact your friends. At best you regain your friendship and at worst you can close the book and move on. If I was your friend, I would take your call

user1471504747 · 26/01/2022 19:32

You have nothing to lose by doing so OP.

Glad to hear you’re doing better

mrsnw · 26/01/2022 19:46

Contact them. I shut all my friends out when I was going through a really bad time. Two years on and hrt has improved my life so much and I got back in contact. They were so pleased to hear from me and that I was ok. I've met them a few times and they were a bit cross that I hadn't confided in them but they understood. You have nothing to lose x

Franklyfrost · 26/01/2022 19:59

If you reach out make it about them (how they felt), brief and don’t ask for anything.

Opus17 · 26/01/2022 20:00

You've got nothing to lose by apologising and trying, op. Definitely give it a shot then least you'll know. They might understand but they might also not forgive as the sudden abrupt end to a friendship can be hurtful.

Original poster

Bagpusssays · 26/01/2022 20:04

Thanks everyone. Would it be ok (i really thought you'd say they were better off without me) if I shared the messages I would send? I don't expect to hear back (and have no right to expect it) but I'd feel better if at least the messages I sent (one to each friend) were vetted for neediness, blame, drama etc

OP posts:

ElectraBlue · 26/01/2022 20:05

It depends:

Do you mean that they knew about what had happened to you and they genuinely were not supportive? because if that is the case, I personally would not make contact. Real friends should be there for you when things get tough. You are better off trying to build new friendship now that you feel more settled and happier.

However if you mean that you cut them off at the time just because you were not quite in a right state of mind rather than for a genuine reason and that they did not really deserve it/let you down, then definitely try to reach out.

BornIn78 · 26/01/2022 20:05

If you do contact them, the only “I” in your message should be “I’m really sorry for the way I ended our friendship”.

If the rest of the message is all about you and how you feel now, how you felt at the time, etc etc, I doubt you’ll get a warm response.

Wafflesnsniffles · 26/01/2022 20:10

Im confused at your reasoning that they need to forgive you somehow?

You felt unsupported by them. You blocked them and yet despite having alternative contact details for you they have made no effort to contact you. Doesnt sound to me as if they are bothered........ ie continuing to be unsupportive.
Id chalk it up to experience and move on - unless you do particularly want to be friends with them again...... but I still dont think you've any need to apologise.

WingingItSince1973 · 26/01/2022 20:12

Would you cope if they replied in a negative way? Maybe they would appreciate the apology but be sure you can deal with possible upset.

MichelleScarn · 26/01/2022 20:13

What support were you looking for and was there a genuine reason they couldn't provide this?

saraclara · 26/01/2022 20:15

I would be thrilled of the person who did the same to me, came back and said "I'm really sorry, you didn't deserve that. I was in a bad place, but nothing justifies it. You must have been so hurt. I'm sorry"

It still hurts that it's unresolved.

daisychain01 · 26/01/2022 20:20

I have tried to make amends and it was pushed straight back in my face so I would never do it again.

Nothing awful had happened but the person was making me feel anxious and unhappy whenever we were in touch. I said I was withdrawing from the relationship (no recriminations) then subsequently months down the line I tried to make amends, but I learned the hard way that if you decide to go NC for whatever reason, make it final, own your action and don't look back.

It really isn't worth the upset.

Don't complain, don't explain.

Rodion · 26/01/2022 20:24

If you think they did nothing wrong and want a genuine apology, something like "I'm really sorry for ending our friendship and the way I went about it. I was very focussed on the bad time I was having and unfairly lashed out. I'm not expecting anything in return but just wanted to apologise as I've been looking back on that time and wish I had handled things in a better way" is what I would send.

BUT you felt unsupported at the time after being raped - your actions don't sound all that unreasonable from what you've described.

daisychain01 · 26/01/2022 20:25

@saraclara

It still hurts that it's unresolved.

That's fine if your apology is received well. If the other person decides they'll lash out at you to get their own back, or to capitalise on what they see as your weakness, it's horrible.

That's the risk, and it's a very real one.

Not everyone is magnanimous enough to accept it - in my case the person concerned acted completely in character which was the very reason why I didn't want them in my life any more. More fool me for exposing myself to that. Never again.

PatsyJStone · 26/01/2022 20:38

If you will regret not saying something then do it. Keep it simple as you have said. Personally I would feel better, even if I didn’t resume the friendship, to hear from an ex friend in this situation. But one or both may wish to get back on speaking terms. If they don’t then you know you did what was right for you in apologising and they are entitled to leave things.

Original poster

Bagpusssays · 26/01/2022 22:13

I keep posting replies but they don't appear in the thread

OP posts:

Hawkins001 · 26/01/2022 22:21

Worse case, no contact, best case, they re connect

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