Holidays with oung adult Stepchildren

[julialisa]

Hello,

my partner of 7 years has 3 children. 2 of them ( girls 15 and 17) leaving with us since 4 years and the 19 year old son lives with their mum.

The 2 children used to go back home during school holidays but since they dont enjoy the time at their mums anymore he always offers them to go with us on holiday (which of course always want).

I am not happy with this Iam also not comfortable leaving young adults alone in our apartment (we all know there will be parties).

and now he plans the next holidays where he wants to take his son as well.

My partner was very upset when i asked him if he expects me now to spend all my PTO with his children. He called me selfish and that apparently i dont see myself part of the family.

I had no other choice than agreeing that the children will move into our apartment a view years ago and it was first only 1 daughter than the other one joined 2 years later but i think its not fair on me expecting me to sacrifce my live for them. I also want one day a child but i cant as long as his kids are finanically not independent.

and as they already live full time with us i at least want my free time with him alone only 25 days which is our PTO with him.

the kids are not 5 years old anymore and I think if he wants to spend time with them there are other ways than holidays. i feel he just wants to make up for the time he didnt have a good relationship with them

I feel like i gave the little finger and now i they take the whole hand.
am i asking for too much and am i being really unreasonable?

thanks

Why did you get with this guy if you didn't want anything to do with his children? Even if they live with the mother at first, there's always a risk they may want to live with their other parent at some point. At 15 and 17 they're still children, not adults (even if they look grown up), so it's not unreasonable for him to want to include them on a holiday.

If you're waiting for his children to be financially independent before having a child of your own then you may be in for a long wait. Some young people find it incredibly difficult to afford a place of their own, so they could be living with you for years yet.

am i asking for too much and am i being really unreasonable?

Yes, you are being very unreasonable, they are his children, why shouldn’t he want them to join you on holiday?

You really do sound as if you resent them, even the fact that they live with you? When you started dating someone with children, did it not occur to you that he would want to spend time with them, even holidays?

i feel he just wants to make up for the time he didnt have a good relationship with them

No, he wants to go on holiday with his children, totally normal, even when they are teenagers.

I have 2 young adults, still living at home due to COVID, both are happy to come with us on some holidays, so why wouldn’t we take them? We actually had a family chat last week to discuss when/where we all wanted to go this year! There will come a day when they won’t want to join us at all, but for now, we enjoy their company, so they are invited. They don’t always come, but nice when they do. They joined us for half the week when we celebrated our silver wedding in a cottage last autumn, so we had time alone and some as a family.

An older relative keeps telling me how lucky that they want to spend holidays with us. Another relative still holidays with her daughters in their 40s.

I agree with your partner, you don’t see yourself as part of the family, maybe it’s time for you to make a life elsewhere, they will always be his children! What if he wants to take them and their children on holiday, would you not allow that?

I thought from your title his kids were in their early 20’s. But these are not ‘young adults’ op, they are still children and they are going to be relying on him for a few years yet at least. It wouldn’t even cross my mind to leave my teenage children home alone while I nobbed off on holiday with my girlfriend, especially a 15 year old! I know you’ve been together a long time op but this is not the relationship for you if you begrudge his children, which you clearly do.

Normally I tend to feel sorry for step mothers on this board. But in this case you are being entirely unreasonable. Of course a15 year old and 17 year old would come on holiday with their parent, especially when they live with them.

If you're not happy with this arrangement, you should have reconsidered your relationship when the children moved in with you full time at 11 and 13. You don't see them as your family, you don't understand that your DH is a full time parent (which includes holidays) so this relationship isn't for you.

Of course 15&17 year olds come with you. Why they don't have contact time with their mother is a bigger question. I wish would be stepmother's would read these posts before deciding to marry/cohabit with a parent. The kids come first.

My Dp's dd has moved in with us, she's older so isn't coming on holiday (she would if we offered) I get it, it's not what we planned, but neither did we expect a global pandemic or my dd to move in

The girls are not young adults, they are teenage children who of course would be included in a family holiday. From your thread title I assumed you were talking about early 20s which would be different.

Op when I met my now dh he had 2 dc aged 12 and 15. Although I resented to some degree having to use my annual leave to go on holiday in school holidays ( my dc were grown up and left home )we all went. I made sure the dc had plenty of activities to do( I did this with my own children as I realise that dc want a completey different type of holiday to adults) we always had a great time. Whilst I understand how you feel you are a family and families go on holiday together

thanks for the feedback. I really have to re-think the relationship.

in the beginning of our relationship he went to see them regular which of course is fine as they needed quality time but since they struggle with their mum and moved in everything became a bit much of responsibility for me. Especially they keep moving in out (than to their grandmother and not mum) just how they feel.

sometime he is away in his country for some weeks and I am at home looking after the kids.They even said to me they if they were me they wouldnt look after them as they are not my kids.

Its also me who is buying presents picking them up from school and work in the background its me who does all the work and make sure when they argue to make up again etc.

he is just the one doing the fun bit.