Signed up to get something off my chest and hopefully some good advice on how I can change my life. Unsure where it should be posted but feel free to move.
A little backstory.
I'm in my mid 30's, male, and had a very messed up childhood. Physical and mental abuse by 2 alcoholic parents. Mostly beatings when younger that turned into mental hell later on. I was always blamed for their addiction because I was unplanned and abortion wasn't an option. Only child so at least no one is suffering in that house. It ended with me being locked in a room after school. Followed to school to make sure I didn't go anywhere else or speak to anyone. This went on after teenage years. Physical abuse is easier to deal with and mostly over it, mentally it's something I can't no matter how much I try it doesn't stop going through my mind.
Although I kind of knew something was wrong, it's hard to think that way when it's all you've known from an early age. I was barred from speaking to, or hanging out people my age. When I did the abuse wasn't worth it, but always told they do it because they care so much and other parents don't care what their kids get up to.
With them being alcoholics it got worse over time but again all seemed normal because it was all I'd seen growing up. It eventually led to mother regularly walking around the garden naked in the middle of the day in full view of neighbors and people I went to school with. It continued after I left school to get a job and was either dropped/collected from work or once again followed if I made my own way there. They knew employer so knew my schedule.
That pushed me to get out of there but things went wrong and emotional blackmail brought me back to that hell. It just got worse and worse up until it came to a point I had to get away or I was going to kill myself. Never tried but knew it was coming. All that stopped me was my mother is a sick cunt that can turn anything around so she gets sympathy and center of attention, and I wouldn't give her that chance with me doing something stupid/
I've tried to move on but the reality is it's made a horrible impact on my life and I don't know what I can do to change things and feel "normal". Making friends is really difficult when you've had no real chance to do it as a child growing up. Those few I have I struggle to be around after they have a few drinks, loud and mouthy drunks are the last thing I can willingly be around.
I don't drink now, but it was when I noticed I was starting to drink at home and falling around the house I knew I had to get away or fall into that life. I knew it was wrong, but 20 years of this makes it feel normal, but I didn't want to be like them.
I've set myself a goal of making serious changes this year, Health fitness, not that I'm in bad shape but I feel it would be a big help in terms of mental health and actually want to increase my size. People skills are something I want to work on, I'm not great at sparking up a conversation and after so many years of being locked up I'm struggling to get out there and meet new people with similar interests. More to do with my confidence than anything else.
Where do I start to make these changes? This is all true no matter how stupid it seems, at least it feels stupid putting it out there knowing what I do now. Moving on has been difficult and it's really f**ked me up in the last few years, but I want to change it and enjoy life.
Leaving for work soon and won't see this until I get home but anything apart from sympathies would be appreciated.