I’m a coper? Am I?

[Funkychicken54321]

So everyone thinks I cope with anything and everything thrown my way! With this people come to me with their secrets and problems ALL the time. Great right?

I do just get on with things generally, but I feel a bit like I’m drowning at the moment. I have tried to talk to my friends but because I just get on with stuff they feel it isn’t a big issue / are not seeing how upset I am? How do I get some support, how can I say at the moment. No I’m not coping and could really do with some help… surely it works both ways?

I'm exactly like this. Everyone says oh but you're so strong you can do it. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders

Have you actually said to people, 'sorry, I can't do that because I'm struggling to cope'? Or are you just hoping they'll notice.

Say exactly that: "No I’m not coping and could really do with some help… surely it works both ways?" Exactly that. Then just look at them.

I know what you mean, this used to happen to me until I started being blunt about it. It still happens to my MIL because she doesn't put people right - although she has recently started to do that and it's making a bit of difference. I think family dynamics especially can be very strong and hard to go against, if you're "the alright one". Thinking about it this also happens to a male friend of mine. It must be quite common!

Sorry you're having a tough time Ask for some support, VERY BLUNTLY

I had exactly this last year - normally I just get on with stuff, but we had a run of events early last year that knocked me for six to be honest. And then when I was trying to get some support from friends who require my support at the drop of a hat, I got told that 'everyone is struggling right now' and was pretty much dismissed.

I'm still smarting from that to be honest.

I am recently divorced because my exh left to sort everything including his stuff. I have said ‘I can’t cope’ to friends at the minute and I pretty much get ‘you’ll be ok’ back. It’s really tough, my aunt always tells me how amazing I am and how well I cope etc. it’s draining.

Maybe I also need to be more assertive, I need to learn how to ask for help maybe?

Sounds tough and it must sting to be left hanging when you've said how you feel. What happens when you say please can you come over for an hour and help me with X,Y,Z?

People can only help if they really understand what you're thinking.
The problem is that you have a certain pattern of behaviour and everyone knows how to behave with you. Ie you can cope with your problems and their problems and help them out. They are conditioned with that. You're now changing your behaviour but they don't know or understand that yet. Just saying I'm struggling doesn't mean anything to them because that's not how they see you as a person. You really need to make them understand that you can't cope with what you're dealing with and ask them for help. Most people love to help others, and so once they've truly accepted what you're saying, I'm sure they'll rally round. Be consistent with your message. Don't say you can't cope, then offer to do something for them. And be very clear what you'd like them to do for you - don't be vague and hope they'll get it right.

I don’t ever ask anything of anyone, I do think I need to be more assertive.

I need to actually say, I am really struggling and need a chat / help with a,b,c. Maybe I am not clear and just muddle along….

Definitely be specific with what you need and don't feel disheartened if people say no, as this is bound to happen at some point. Maybe give a couple of possibilities of help so they can choose something that suits them?

I think you need to just recognise that you are worthy of help too and be clear about it. So often people help others all the time then never get anything back and actually it's because most of their friends are leeches. Look at your relationships- how many are about 50:50 over a long period? Those are the ones worth keeping.

For actually talking about it, book yourself in for a couple of sessions with a therapist of you can. They'll help you shape how to talk about your feelings as well as just listening.

People always say I’m strong.

I’m not. I died inside years ago and I don’t actually cope with anything. But it’s just me, alone. I don’t have any friends or family to share anything with. Just dh who is pretty useless and his family, ditto.

But it’s either keep going or kill myself so I don’t really have a choice. Inside I’m just turmoil and believe me, my life is relentless. I’ve had more awful things happen to me than most people could cope with, but I won’t leave my children.

@Funkychicken54321

I don’t ever ask anything of anyone, I do think I need to be more assertive.

I need to actually say, I am really struggling and need a chat / help with a,b,c. Maybe I am not clear and just muddle along….

I think that you're right, you need to ask for the specific help you want -- I think copers are sometimes bad at specifically and clearly asking for things, because it's unfamiliar territory, and also, other people aren't expecting to hear it, so go onto 'You'll be fine' mode, rather than listening the way they might if it was someone they regarded as more fragile.

I get that from family and friends, that I'm a coper. Generally I do cope, I get on with stuff. But when I need help, I find it hard to articulate that I'm struggling or need to talk about it or need help.

I've found that in some cases, I don't ask for help - sometimes stuff just gets on top and I need to offload so I go for a coffee with a friend and tell them all the stuff I've got going on and that it is tough and whilst I will find a way through, I'm not enjoying it. Other times I don't say anything but I do cancel things/don't offer to help someone else as a means to reduce the stuff on my plate. Other times I let myself have a cry or an hour wallowing then give myself a shake and carry on.

I'm a coper because I've had to be, I've never had a person who has my back or is my "ride or die" (apart from DH) so I've never been able to rely on someone to share my load (for a bit my DH was part of the load as he struggled with his mental health but things have turned a corner). The inner resilience is good to know but I also know how to let off some of the steam (walk, small cry, chat to a friend) so the pressure doesn't build.

In terms of asking for help, just ask a few people if they fancy going for a walk or a coffee, you'd appreciate a bit of time out with a friend.

If there are specific things that you need help with doing... I'm not sure how to do that. I struggle to ask for help, but when I've helped people, its often been as a result of a message on a group chat from a friend saying "can anyone help with x? I'm struggling and wondering if anyone is able to help me do x?"

I used to feel exactly like you. It eventually broke me down because I was coping with so many problems of my own on top of being the ‘go to’ person for everyone else’s problems. When I eventually revealed that I was actually struggling all the people who used to turn to me for support disappeared. It was an eye opener. I have much stronger boundaries now and I find treating people how they treat you (in terms of help, support, and time) is better for your mental health than the old saying of treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

Thank you all for your support and advice, its really helping to get alternate perspectives on a situation. Its so hard to accept / ask for help.

@Sloughsabigplace hopefully this support will also help you if you feel dead inside? That sound awful and I hope you can also get some support / ideas to help.