My son won't go to school.. im in shit for it

[Notoschool]

My son is 14. He's been refusing school since around September. He's probably been 5 or 6 times since. He gives lots of different reasons such as he does not like the teacher . Or he feels anxious in the class. He hates the lesson. His reasons seem to change.

He has been self harming by cutting himself. He's been offered counselling at school.but as hes not going to school that's not happening. We have asked for help from camhs that was refused. So we have appealed. We found another counselling/support service for young people they are giving him 3 sessions. And that ends. As they are reducing their services. At the moment we have some support from early help but apparently that comes to a close in around 3 weeks.

My son has been very aggressive to the point he scares me. He's done things like smash up the doors in the house put holes in a partition wall. He's also verbally aggressive.

Recently the school offered him part time time table. To start at 11.15 . He agreed with this . Apart from the Monday where he wanted to start at lunchtime. The school refused this . But I really stood up for ds . As I thought this was better than not going at all. I agree its not right but surely a step in the right direction. His body language had changed and his tone. I really thought he was going to do it . So he went to school on the Friday. Come Monday He's refusing again I actually agued his point with the school so now it's made me look really bad and now he's made it impossible for me to have any valued say in a meeting that's going to happen in a few days.

Hes always asking for money to top his phone up. For food when he's out. Or just general things that teens often want . He wanted money Friday. I said once I know your at school I will transfer you money. Then on Tuesday as long as you have been to school on the Monday and Tuesday. I will top up your phone. But he did not stick to this agreement. So I have not topped up his phone. He told me how selfish I am . And said to me things like: "you only have to do a simple thing. It's like you want me to cut." He has said several similar things.

I'm actually frightened that because I'm refusing to give him money or top up his phone he's going to become very aggressive later on.

The school have told me there is going to be a meeting the local authorities will be there. I have been told I can get a large fine. Could get a tag or even go to prison . My son has told me he does not care. I'm told the law says its my responsibility to get him to school but no one can actually tell me how I can get him in school. He's 14 and 6ft tall I can't physically get him there.

I'm really scared of this whole situation. But I feel totally trapped in the situation and don't know what to do. My son just won't engage.

OP I havent read all of the thread and just skimmed some of it. I went through similar when my ds first started year 7.

He became aggressive at home, and extremely defiant and disruptive at school. He did not like change, and the structure of the school with class changes constantly sent him spiralling.

I had my own chair at the school I was there that often. First name basis with the teachers. It was hell and for over a year he did not attend school. I was threatened with fines etc. But it never ever came to that and the SW assured me we would avoid that.

I had a social worker trying to get to the bottom of it, the school trying to get to the bottom of it. They couldn't assess him due to him not being in. After months of them trying to pin it on my parenting and lack of boundaries (there was no lack of boundaries). I stopped listening to what they wanted me to do. They wanted me to apply constant pressure to get my ds into school. They wanted me to fix my son instead of the cause of his behaviour. Completely ignoring my claims that the school structure was the cause of the issues. When I stopped that pressure, my ds behaviour changed at home. It took a while for them to believe me that my ds had settled at home, but this then led them to use what I know to do the EHCP(whatever letters it is). Without him being present.

Eventually they found him a more specialised school and slowly started him off with one day here and there. Because it was back to one classroom, like primary school, he was able to manage, which in turn led him to no longer be reacting. He ended up getting the best GCSE's in his year and moving on to an apprenticeship.

I dont know if this is very helpful, but it was just to let you know that even when it feels like there is no hope. When the school throws curveballs at you making it seem like the EHCP that you need for further progress is out of reach, because you can't force your ds to do what they want. Its not.

It was when I put my foot down and stood up for my ds that things started to change. Including ds behaviour at home. Before that, I tried their approach of trying to somehow make my son fit in to something he wasn't capable of managing,
Which just made things worse!

Stay strong, OP. Its soooo hard, and I felt like giving up so many times.

I have been asked to respond to your recent enquiry regarding your child’s attendance at School. I am sorry to hear that is struggling at the moment.

I have contacted School to enquire what support is currently being offered to *** in relation to the concerns you have raised and have been advised of the following.

A Team around the Family was convened in November 2021 and most recently a professionals meeting was held at the school with you on 28th January 2022. (Family Thrive) and (Attendance Service) attended to discuss further help and agree next steps. It was established that * has attended school since the introduction of the personalised support plan, but attendance has not been consistent.

It was agreed at the meeting on the 28th January 2022, a second referral should be made to CAMHS. The school have confirmed the GP has now made the referral. Family Thrive have agreed to refer to Compass for therapeutic support due to
* now refusing to meet with the school counsellor.

It is the school’s view that the support offered to will help his anxiety until an assessment can be completed by CAMHS. It is important that *** attend school to fully benefit from the support offered to hm.

The next steps for going forward is planned as follows:

The current support plan will remain in place and will be reviewed again on 11.02.22 alongside school attendance;
A second professionals meeting will be scheduled once referrals to CAMHS and Compass have been accepted;
Family Thrive will continue to work alongside you in regards to parenting support and will continue to work with to encourage his engagement with the help available to him in school.

We feel that with the current information we have, this is a supportive offer at present. However, if we are provided further documentation, the Education Department / School may be able to change the support, which could include consideration of alternative provision.

I hope this clarifies the support plan offered to *** and I wish him every success for the future.

Attendance Service Manager

Attendance, Inclusion and Participation Service

Children and Young People Directorate

Reply stating under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 the LA are required to provide alternative education for pupils who are “compulsory school age who, by reason of illness, exclusion from school or otherwise, may not for any period receive suitable education unless such arrangements are made for them.” And DS falls into that category because he cannot attend school due to his MH difficulties and if the LA are refusing to provide alternative education you will be forced to look at beginning Judicial Review proceedings to enforce DS’s right to education.

I would challenge their tone, I don’t know about others but I get the impression they think DS is choosing not to engage e.g. their use of refusing to meet.

I would also clarify their response is separate from your request for an EHCNA and is not a refusal to assess, because if it is you need a written refusal with all the statutory information so you can appeal.

@Imitatingdory

Reply stating under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 the LA are required to provide alternative education for pupils who are “compulsory school age who, by reason of illness, exclusion from school or otherwise, may not for any period receive suitable education unless such arrangements are made for them.” And DS falls into that category because he cannot attend school due to his MH difficulties and if the LA are refusing to provide alternative education you will be forced to look at beginning Judicial Review proceedings to enforce DS’s right to education.

I would challenge their tone, I don’t know about others but I get the impression they think DS is choosing not to engage e.g. their use of refusing to meet.

I would also clarify their response is separate from your request for an EHCNA and is not a refusal to assess, because if it is you need a written refusal with all the statutory information so you can appeal.

The reason ds won't do the in school counselling is because he feels its their way of trapping him. He also does not trust school. When I was getting him outside help outside of school we were told things like any counselling service will reject him they will only work with him if he's in school. I have had her shouting down the phone talking over me etc . So if she like that to me God knows how she is with a 14 year old.

It actually seems to me that no one wants actually help. I know people have advised not to deregister and its not something I want to do but ik starting to think I do not have a choice.

I know how you feel. It took over a year for the school to accept that another school was needed for my ds. Keep pushing.

They need to cross all the T's and dot the I's is what was said to me repeatedly when I'd be on to them asking why they're dragging their feet.

I dont think fines or anything would be possible in your case, since it is not you blocking access to education here. Its the school and the other teams involved.

@lifeturnsonadime what happened in the end with your son? did he ever go back to school?

Could you get legal aid and get help/advice from a solicitor?

I had to deregister my DD because of threats from the school.
It wasn't a choice
They still took me to court for the time DD had off before I deregistered.

Wish I had done it sooner, it's not about the fine.

I really wouldn’t deregister. Reframe the won’t do counselling in school as can’t, DS can’t engage in the counselling at school because his MH difficulties prevent him doing so.

OP won’t get Legal Aid at this stage.

Op please speak to Ipsea or sossen. This occurs more frequently than people realise. You will not end up in trouble as you are doing everything you can, please also apply for an EHC needs assessment. The LA should be providing education

Here's some links to help

www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety

[quote OliviaBond]Op please speak to Ipsea or sossen. This occurs more frequently than people realise. You will not end up in trouble as you are doing everything you can, please also apply for an EHC needs assessment. The LA should be providing education

Here's some links to help

www.ipsea.org.uk/ehc-needs-assessments

www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety[/quote]
Thank you . I have done this already waiting to hear back.

@mummykel16

I had to deregister my DD because of threats from the school. It wasn't a choice They still took me to court for the time DD had off before I deregistered.

Wish I had done it sooner, it's not about the fine.

I have sent the school an email tonight deregistering him. It was the last thing i wanted to do. But I reached out for help so many times and to several people. It just seemed so odd that I wanted ds back into education and apparently so did they. But yet they just kept putting obstacles In the way. I felt totally on my own. No form of support . They have scared and stressed us so much. The attendance person from the Council has no intrest in what we have to say.

Yesterday I was talking about putting my child into care ffs. That's how much they have scared and stressed me. The whole situation has really messed up my mental health. I love him to bits and I don't ever want to feel like that again.

Hopefully it will have helped ds as well . We can still do camhs.i think he really needs some time out away from the school. I have had some advice regarding home education so im going to put that into place. There are people I can contact to help me with it as well.

It's very likely the reason that your son changes his mind about why he can't go into school is because he doesn't know. It's anxiety.

My son went through this at a younger age. He ended up going to a different, more supportive school and has gone from missing months of school to going in almost every day because the school identified his needs/anxieties and support him.

Post on the Not Fine in School page. Go to see the GP and say you think he has emotionally based school avoidance (not school refusal) and needs help with his anxiety. Apply for an EHCP (Use SENDIASS or SOS SEN! booklets to help you).

@Pishup

It's very likely the reason that your son changes his mind about why he can't go into school is because he doesn't know. It's anxiety.

My son went through this at a younger age. He ended up going to a different, more supportive school and has gone from missing months of school to going in almost every day because the school identified his needs/anxieties and support him.

Post on the Not Fine in School page. Go to see the GP and say you think he has emotionally based school avoidance (not school refusal) and needs help with his anxiety. Apply for an EHCP (Use SENDIASS or SOS SEN! booklets to help you).

Yes I think so I think people are expecting him to have actual answers like practical ones . And I think he gives mixed answers because he feels he has to have an answer.

I'm already in touch work the gp. Have contacted sendiass

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation and felt you had no choice but to remove your son from school when you wanted him to be supported so he felt able to attend.

Though I have no experience of your situation, as a long-time home educator I've seen many kids come to home education for similar reasons. It's tough. In some cases there are overarching serious mental health problems which will continue, but still it can be easier for the kids to have one of their major stressors (school) out of the equation. For other kids, being removed from school may take a huge weight off them and transform their lives fairly quickly. It can be hard to predict which way it will go for your son.

With a kid who has been so anxious, addressing mental health is top priority. Some LAs try to insert themselves into the situation with disastrous effect, implying that parents must replicate school at home and threatening to return the child to school if they don't see enough evidence of "schoolwork". But the law is on your side. You can keep the LA at arm's length and give your son what he actually needs rather than what the LA may try to dictate. Come over to the home ed board or another home ed forum if you need any help.

Kids who have had a rough time at school often benefit from a complete break from adult-enforced formal learning. That isn't the same as no learning. Informal learning counts too. Once your son is starting to feel under less pressure, there will be plenty of time for the two of you to experiment with different ways of learning and try out various plans. It is okay to figure it out as you go along.

Just because schoolchildren are made to do as many GCSEs as possible at 16 doesn't mean your son has to. He could do fewer, or do them at a different age, or explore alternative paths. My older child didn't sit GCSEs at 16, instead doing just English and maths a few years later, and is now at university doing well. My younger one isn't at all suited to GCSEs and likely will never follow an academic route, but she's happy and confident and is acquiring good life skills.

People who work within the school system sometimes think leaving school equals educational failure, but it can give freedom and a fresh start instead. I hope your son benefits from this breathing space and can start to feel positive about his future.

@Saracen

I'm so sorry you've found yourself in this situation and felt you had no choice but to remove your son from school when you wanted him to be supported so he felt able to attend.

Though I have no experience of your situation, as a long-time home educator I've seen many kids come to home education for similar reasons. It's tough. In some cases there are overarching serious mental health problems which will continue, but still it can be easier for the kids to have one of their major stressors (school) out of the equation. For other kids, being removed from school may take a huge weight off them and transform their lives fairly quickly. It can be hard to predict which way it will go for your son.

With a kid who has been so anxious, addressing mental health is top priority. Some LAs try to insert themselves into the situation with disastrous effect, implying that parents must replicate school at home and threatening to return the child to school if they don't see enough evidence of "schoolwork". But the law is on your side. You can keep the LA at arm's length and give your son what he actually needs rather than what the LA may try to dictate. Come over to the home ed board or another home ed forum if you need any help.

Kids who have had a rough time at school often benefit from a complete break from adult-enforced formal learning. That isn't the same as no learning. Informal learning counts too. Once your son is starting to feel under less pressure, there will be plenty of time for the two of you to experiment with different ways of learning and try out various plans. It is okay to figure it out as you go along.

Just because schoolchildren are made to do as many GCSEs as possible at 16 doesn't mean your son has to. He could do fewer, or do them at a different age, or explore alternative paths. My older child didn't sit GCSEs at 16, instead doing just English and maths a few years later, and is now at university doing well. My younger one isn't at all suited to GCSEs and likely will never follow an academic route, but she's happy and confident and is acquiring good life skills.

People who work within the school system sometimes think leaving school equals educational failure, but it can give freedom and a fresh start instead. I hope your son benefits from this breathing space and can start to feel positive about his future.

Thank you for your message. The last thing I wanted to do was take him out. But in the end I had no choice. The last straw was when the LA Saif they were happy with what the school had put In place. Yet never even asked us why it was not working or what we think could help . Even said she will continue to liaise with the school. So was not even interested with talking to us. And asked me for evidence of his mental health issues although she knows I'm waiting on camhs so I won't have that.

I have joined education otherwise also spoke to a lady from there . She was so lovely. She told me to keep her number. And she will help me with with responding to the LA etc I'm on not fine at school as well. As the moment I think my posts are more fear worry posts because I'm worried about what I have done and the reaction I'm going to get.

I have spend just under 100 on books etc for revision and English gcse and maths gcse books I also got some gcse practice exams papers.

Ds asked when we need to start it. I said officially now. But the fact is LA can't just barge in demanding to see what we are doing . I think we need a bit of time out to gather our self's its been an awful time . But I said we will start properly after the half term. But I said to him if he wants to do some stuff he can . And last night he showed me some stuff on macbeth.

@Notoschool @NickiMinajerie @Imitatingdory @Saracen @Pishup
LBC radio LBC has an hour special focus on kids mental health this afternoon sometime between now and 4pm. The lead in was asking has the government left it too late to help the growing number of youth (children, teens and young adults) with MH issues.
Anyway posting her as I thought you might be interested. OP you certainly have a story that the nation should hear. Its tragic what you and your DS are going through and rather than getting help you are getting threatened with court..... so wrong! People everywhere need to hear these stories so that things change.

[quote SoTiredNeedHoliday]**@Notoschool* @NickiMinajerie* @Imitatingdory @Saracen @Pishup
LBC radio LBC has an hour special focus on kids mental health this afternoon sometime between now and 4pm. The lead in was asking has the government left it too late to help the growing number of youth (children, teens and young adults) with MH issues.
Anyway posting her as I thought you might be interested. OP you certainly have a story that the nation should hear. Its tragic what you and your DS are going through and rather than getting help you are getting threatened with court..... so wrong! People everywhere need to hear these stories so that things change.[/quote]
I'm absolutely shitting a brick.

I'm just glad I have quite a bit in emails. Shame alot of the threats were verbal

I have been following this thread with interest op as my dd15 is in a similar position. I have got the educational welfare officer getting in touch with me this week. I desperately want some sort of alternative to school for her.

Do dm me if you like and good luck

@somewhereoverthechipshop

I have been following this thread with interest op as my dd15 is in a similar position. I have got the educational welfare officer getting in touch with me this week. I desperately want some sort of alternative to school for her.

Hopefully they will be more helpful to you than they have me. The LA told (they) were happy with what the school were offering DS yet did not ask us why it was not working. The member of staff at the school has lied to us so much that she's probably lied to the LA as well.

I'm in contact with education otherwise. Also sendiass who have both been fantastic.

The last thing I wanted was to remove ds from school but once I realised I was on my own I felt i had no choice . So he's going to do work at home. Then in September he will go to college for year 11.

Home education officer from the council called Me. I was expecting a madness . But she was ok. She asked what I was doing. I said i was wanting to stay as close to what they do at school as I can. And that we are hoping ds can join college in September for year 11. She said she will contact us in april/May to help us apply for college. Said to contact her if need any help. And she followed up with an email. With some links. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted.

Oh amazing well done you for getting things sorted, I would love it if my daughter could do year 11 at college, I will investigate. Thank you for sharing your story, you sound like a great mum, i know how stressful it all is. Just wanted you how helpful this thread has been for me to think about different options.

@somewhereoverthechipshop

Oh amazing well done you for getting things sorted, I would love it if my daughter could do year 11 at college, I will investigate. Thank you for sharing your story, you sound like a great mum, i know how stressful it all is. Just wanted you how helpful this thread has been for me to think about different options.

Thank you . In all honesty home ed was the last thing I wanted to do . But I reached out to people for help to Try get him back into school and they were not willing to help . But also refused to refer him to college. Also refused to help us with alternative provision.

But ds support worker gently guided us to home ed. I now know why. Had he stayed on school role we would have had to rely on them to refer him to college. Which they were not willing to do. but now he's registered as home ed. We can just apply ourselves and no longer Need the school to do it.

SENDIASS have now been in touch. They have asked me to forward emails where i have been in touch with the LA/school. Asking for help ect. She's helping us look at SEN as well. I explained we have already asked for SEN help and alternatives provision and was refused. I sent her them emails as well . Shes hoping to get ds home tuition and then college for September. Hopefully we will start to be listen to now 🙏