Telling children about eating disorders

[Arborea]

We're due to meet up with some dear friends whom we've not seen since March 2020. Our children are 6 and 9, and our friends' teenager has recently been hospitalised with an eating disorder.

Does anyone have any advice on what to say/how to handle this? (Both in terms of supporting our friends and broaching it sensitively with our children - this is uncharted territory for us, and it would be helpful to get a steer from anyone who has been through similar). TIA.

I’d tell your children something along the lines of “Everyone has trouble with their bodies sometime or other. Some people have trouble hearing, some people have trouble walking, and X has a problem with eating. As you know, eating it important to keep us healthy, so the doctors are taking extra special care of X in hospital at the moment. X’s family are missing her, so it might make them sad if you remind them about her too much.”

Is the teen still in hospital? If so, "X is quite ill so s/he is in hospital now, so we wont see her/him."

If home, I'd start vaguely. "X hasn't been feeling well and has been in hospital. Sometimes it's difficult for her/him to eat, so maybe they wont be eating with us. If that happens we just leave X with what she/he is doing. And maybe s/he will need some quiet time sometimes, so we let her/him be if that happens." Point is not giving too much ED info as it's not necessary - the point is to be aware of something different and aware of need to back off if necessary. You can't explain that so easily when there if they're not aware first.

I don't know how to deal with the parents but if I were the parent I'd be happy for my friend to recognise that it must be very hard to experience what they have as a parent and then listen if I wanted to talk. And let me cry (not tell me not to worry, don't cry it'll be fine etc) if I cried.

And for the teen, if there, treat like a normal teen. Just don't comment on what they're doing/eating/not eating at meal times. If your kids do, then just tell them that s/he is older than them so doing something different. And don't react to how s/he looks. My good friend went into hospital as skin and bones and when she started eating again she bloated and was unrecognisable. So "It's great to see you again" type of comment, or "I love your top", but avoid commenting on how s/he looks and be aware it may not be what you think.

Don't go tying yourself in knots trying to say the right thing. Either say the exact truth (read it off the NHS website if you want) or just say she's been poorly and she's lost a lot of weight, but she's getting better now.

I wouldn't say too much to your children. Just something along the lines of X won't be there when we visit XX as she is in hospital because she hasn't been well recently.

With regard to your friends... be sensitive to how much they want to talk about it. They may not want to discuss at a get-together between two families.

If their child is currently in hospital, I doubt your children will even register that they aren't there. I don't see anything that needs to be discussed, as I also doubt they would be talking in length about it in front of your children.

Thanks all, especially @Fivemoreminutes1 and @Gingembre - for reasons I won't go into these are useful pointers/phrasing suggestions. My older child has recently been interested/asking questions about health conditions, e.g. what is a heart attack/what causes them etc, and my younger one is a sponge soaking up anything and everything so is very likely to be interested in our responses, even if they don't quiz us directly. I'm conscious that I could have answered the heart attack questions better if I'd been prepared for them, and the eating disorder issue is one where I don't want to be caught on the hoof.