This may all come out as a bit of a mess.
I’ve been with an abusive man for almost 4yrs. No kids, but miscarried previously (not related).
2yrs into the relationship I started trying to leave him (saving money, looking at houses on the sly) but then I developed a very sudden and unexpected health issue (needing a big surgery) - my health is ok now but it meant I was too vulnerable/poor/physically weak to leave at the time. And so I kind of just… coped with it all. I convinced myself everything was fine because the alternative - that I was being abused and was at risk while at rock bottom - was just too terrifying for me. I def had my head up my ass and wouldn’t see the truth.
Tbf, he also transformed into the doting fiancé while I was sick. The housework fell to shit and tbh still isn’t caught up all the way because it got so bad (but it’s at least liveable now) but he was acting like superman in front of friends and his family. He did also improve as he stopped drinking - which was a big trigger - due to his own (fairly minor) health condition.
Anyway, that’s not strictly relevant.
Last year, around September, he had gradually got worse again (despite being teetotal) and then there was an incident where he held me under the water in the bath for what felt like hours. It was probably only 30 seconds but for that time I genuinely thought I was going to die. He laughed it off as a “joke” and acted as though he’d pranked me with a whoopi cushion. Not as though he’d nearly killed me.
From then I’ve been trying to leave again, but I am in a very complicated situation. I have basically no real family support (strained relationships/estranged). My mother is probably closest to me but has her own struggles that mean she’s not in a place to help at all.
I did contact a local organisation, but their only available DV accommodation was too far away (I don’t drive and I need to be within x miles of Y hospital for specialist follow up). I can’t be too outing but the hospital is in a big city, and all DV accommodation in/for about 25ish miles around said big city was taken up. There are other reasons I need to be in this area but, my follow up is the biggest reason.
However, I have been offered support in other ways should I need it. Such as support in applying for furniture grants and other help, group support and someone to talk to etc. Money isn’t a massive barrier because I’ve been able to save up quite a bit - not loads, mind.
But enough to get started. I dived into work head first (I’m actually self employed which has been invaluable) after the bath incident, I use a Prepaid card account by starling for most of my money so he doesn’t see it. I did try for social housing - the first time I was trying to leave (2yrs ago) but nothing really came of it at that time and I assumed I’d have to go private.
In a stroke of luck, I was offered a HA property last year, closer to the hospital than I even am now and in a decent neighbourhood, it’s perfect. However, due to the fact it’s a new build and needs final sign off (I don’t know specifics - something to do with soil testing?) they’re not anticipating move ins to be taking place until “as late as mid feb”. Well, obviously I’m bloody ecstatic (and with basically nobody to tell 
).
The “plan” is to just basically grab a bag, get into a cab and go the second they call me saying the keys are ready. I don’t have much stuff. My important documents and letters etc are all in one folder. Easy. I’ll be starting from scratch but that’s fine!!
But as the time gets closer and closer I am definitely feeling the enormity of it all a bit more. I’m aware that the most dangerous time is when you’re leaving and I keep trying to “manage” myself. “Don’t look too happy” etc. I’m trying to act as though everything is totally normal because my intention is to slip out while he’s at the gym or his hobby. So everything relies on him not knowing something is amiss. And I feel like the closer it gets to freedom, the more he’s likely to smell a rat. Sometimes he looks at me and I just wonder if he knows, but he hasn’t said/done anything (he’s quite a reactive person - if he suspected, he’d have done something IMO).
I’d like to say he wouldn’t grievously injure me or worse, but truth be told I never thought he’d try to drown me either. 
I’m not really sure why I’m posting, but I guess I wanted someone to talk to. And maybe to ask - if you’ve been through this, how did you cope with the anxiety and pretending everything is fine while you plot to leave? Everything feels more real now. More final. Which I think adds to the dread/anxiety.
PS: I’m aware MN can be a cesspit of scammers, I don’t need nor want anyone’s money or anything like that. I just wanted to vent I guess. I’ve got everything ready to go and figured out, it’s just a waiting game now.