Hurt by friend

[rattybatty]

I'm hoping someone can give some advice about a particular problem.

I need to give a bit of background so my problem makes sense so this could be a bit long - sorry about this.

As a kid I was always on the 'tubby' side. I was awfully teased at school between the ages of 11-13 because of my weight which impacted me and I stopped swimming and refused to participate in any sports etc so others couldn't see my legs or body.

By my early 20s I was a size 12-14. In my earlier 30s I put on some weight and became a size 16. I worked hard at weight lost and lost 10kgs. I got pregnant with DS and was blessed with DD 2.5 years later. My weight remained stable at size 12 until I went through a couple of stressful years and my weight dropped to a size 8-10 and at one point to a size 6. I was absolutely delighted with my weight. I felt so good but my BMI was on the low side and my family was very concerned.

Fast forward to now 17 years later and my wee problem.

I carpool with a colleague to work and just prior to Christmas we were going to work as usual chatting away about Christmas plans etc when she suddenly turned to me and said in a very stern growly voice: "I want to talk to you about your health. You're piling on the beef girl. You used to be such a lovely skinny wee thing. I think you need to see the doctor". I was so shocked/upset I didn't know what to say.

She is correct, I have put on weight. I'm now a size 12. My BMI is still in the healthy weight range, albeit on the top of the scale.

I am devastated by her comments. I cannot bear to look in the mirror. When I do, I just get these waves of depression. I need new clothes but have difficulty getting new clothes as my hands shake when I go to the changing room and all I can hear is my friends words "you've piled on the beef girl". This makes me feel physically sick. I cannot eat my lunch at the staff room table when she is there as I am too embarrassed to eat in front of her. I hear her words a lot in my head as if she is saying them to me all over again. I'm struggling to overcome this and move on.

Usually I just shrug my shoulders if someone upsets me but this has really affected me. Any words of advice about how to get over this?

Thanks

Your “friend” is no friend to you. Making unkind remarks about someone’s body is totally unacceptable; she is not concerned about your health. You are a healthy size and within a healthy BMI range. She is probably trying to make herself feel better by saying such things, and has clearly done a good job of damaging your self esteem. I feel for you as something similar once happened to me. A former “friend” of mine constantly made fun of the shape of my legs. It was unrelenting, and although most of the time I just ignored it, it finally got to me and I became very self conscious and didn’t want anyone to see me in sundresses or shorts! I had always previously felt comfortable with my body shape. A lovely friend of mine encouraged me to say something, so I just told her I thought it was bloody rude to poke fun at someone’s physique, and why was she so intent upon upsetting me? It did work in my case. The comments stopped. So did the “friendship”, as I realised life is too short to waste on folk that enjoy making you feel bad about yourself! Please just say it to her straight, preferably in front of others. She has no right to make you feel this way xx💐

How fucking rude of her! I'm sorry she's made you feel bad, says more about her really
I wouldn't take much notice of someone like that, easier to say though

That is not a friend
What matters is if you feel comfortable in yourself.

You know after the event when you think of all the scathing witty perfect responses to someone’s comment?
When you replay her words in your head counteract them with picturing yourself saying all those things to her at the time.
So “ you’re really piling on the beef girl”
“So are you Denise you spiteful cow and I hadn’t mentioned it before but you should really do something about that facial hair, it’s all everyone in a accounts is talking about. And while we’re being honest with each other, that manky coat you always wear to work? Well it’s covered in fur and stinks of wet dog and fags.

You get the gist op.
It’s your mind, don’t let her take over .

She isn't a friend, she's a horrible bitch. If you're a size 12, you are not overweight. Could this woman be envious of you? I do hope you aren't giving her a lift or being friendly towards her any more - she'll drag you down with stupid comments like that. Surround yourself with people who actually care about you - partner? Children, parents, real friends and other family.

I'm size 22, too fat (actually, obese) and feel crap - but you know what, my husband, sons and grandkids adore me because I'm a nice person and I've always been there for each of them.

Who on earth does she think she is?

Focus on the fact your BMI is healthy - that's all you need to know. You have no reason to fear looking in the mirror.

Even if you had been overweight, that would have nothing to do with a randomer from work.

Have nothing more to do with this toxic colleague.

She is no friend, what an utter fucking bitch.

The only people I know who point out others perceived 'flaws' are so insecure in themselves they bring others down with them.

Take absolutely no heed of her, her opinion isn't valid, or warranted.

Print this off and send it to her. Hopefully, she will get a grip on how awful her remarks are. Failing that she will be able to see how everyone else sees them from the responses here. If she has any integrity she will apologise - at the least this public condemnation should stop her doing the same thing to others. Please don't let this spite from her affect you any longer (I know that's hard). Such remarks often come from a place of jealousy.

I hope you’re not still car sharing with her.

How rude. Don't give her any headspace OP, and ditch car sharing with her.

If you’re a size 12 with a healthy BMI, you don’t need to lose weight. So she either said it because she has issues with weight- she can’t or won’t recognise what is healthy- and she’s projecting onto you, or just because she wanted to hurt you. Either way, ignore her.

Thanks for the replies. I’m feeling a bit better and to be honest it is nice to know that others think her comment was below the line.

No I don’t carpool with her anymore. I just greet her politely in the morning and move on.

This may sound a bit strange, but writing the original post was actually quite cathartic. I need to have a strong word with myself and just move on . Thanks again - appreciate the responses.

That’s the spirit Rattybatty; well done! 😃x