“Have you got your figure back yet?” asked the MIL

[LadyHalesBroach]

During family Skype. FIL chimed in with “well I suppose these things take time.” Last week he asked if I’d be getting back on my exercise bike soon.

I had a baby three weeks ago. Not three years, three weeks.

DH looked awkward but didn’t say anything

Luckily DD is 5 and doesn’t know what she was getting at, but that won’t last long and she’ll be impressionable soon, if not already.

I am so self conscious about my post baby body; the pouch, the stretch marks, the eye bags, the sore back, the hormonal skin. But it’s all par for the course and I am taking it in my stride, and was getting proud of myself for getting to three weeks and having a healthy baby boy. The rest can wait to sort itself out.

I feel so down tonight about myself. DH and I haven’t spoken about it but his parents have always made little digs and he’s taken them to one side before. Just not this time.

Fwiw I’m a size 12. Not that it matters a jot, except it clearly does to them.

Off to have a little cry.

Women who are vile to other women like this are pretty low. And make themselves look ridiculous. Pity her.

It's very wrong I know but I would probably have said "well I hope it doesn't take as long to lose the baby weight as its taken you mil". As I said wrong but she should not be saying things to you.

Three weeks postpartum I was still walking like John Wayne & would not have physically been able to get up on a bike 😳

They sound so rude (& a bit crazy) I would have to to tell them that your body is not up for discussion. Shut them down every time they mention anything & hopefully they will eventually get the message.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I’d be opting out, and telling my dh that bodyshaming is completely unacceptable to ANYONE, let alone from his parents to his 21 day postpartum wife!

Any future comments would mean an instant end to the call/visit. Protect your daughter from witnessing her mother being bullied by her grandparents.

My MIL claimed she went home from hospital in her pre-pregnancy jeans. I mean that's clearly bullshit. My SIL (with the same MIL) worked really hard to lose weight after her baby. Her dad said to MIL "Isn't (SIL) doing well?" and MIL said "Oh I can't tell the difference".

Hope you are able to ignore yours! You're not alone.

Wow these are all horrifying and reassuring in equal measure. PP are right, there’s something about women of that generation that are obsessed.

Don’t ignore it, don’t bottle it up.

Talk to your DH, about your personal hurt, and how it makes you feel, and what it is like for a woman to give up her body to the forces of childbearing, the emotional impact etc.

And talk seriously about the impact on your children of hearing this kind of shit, how sexist it is etc. The difference between making healthy eating habits as a family as a positive thing, and the censure snd criticism of women’s bodies as a very negative thing.

Him ‘having a quiet word’ isn’t working. You need to work out how to put a stop to this once and for all and to be united in it.

He should have stepped in with ‘Don’t answer that, it is an irrelevant and judgemental question!’

Prepare a few phrases to have handy, rehearse them in your head.

“I find comments about my figure irrelevant and rather intrusive, to be honest. Oh no, it looks like rain, did you have outdoor plans?”

“My figure isn’t up for discussion as it happens”

“We get on with healthy happy living and that’s all that matters”

“We’re not keen on discussing people’s figures. We would rather the children didn’t grow up thinking it’s OK to question women about how they look”

“Can we drop this interest in how OP looks? Men don’t have to put up with it!”

Etc.

Have them ready.

PP are right, there’s something about women of that generation that are obsessed

No, it isn’t the generation that’s just falling into another ‘ism’.

Your MIL’s generation were the daughters of the ‘Fat is a Feminist Issue’ generation. I am probably your MILs generation.

How dare she? Find your fury, OP! No one has a right to comment on your body, ever! It’s misogyny. Talk to your DH and make it clear to him what your boundaries are. So, say, next time she does it, happily end the call. Women are taught to be polite even when others are being totally offensive to them. Fuck that! She is rude. Meet her rudeness with assertiveness. ‘I feel that your comment is body shaming me and I think we should be talking about my new baby not my body. If you say anything about my body or objectify another woman, I will end the call/visit.’ Have the confidence to call it out for what it is. Also DH needs to talk with her and ask her to apologise to you.

I'd have snapped the laptop/phone down so fast !! How DARE they?!
I'm probably your MILs generation (assuming they aren't 90 and you have had a baby at 60 ) and it is NOT generational. It's rudeness!

My DD2 had a baby last year and I can assure you no one asked or cared if she 'had her figure back' we were all just glad that both of them were safe and well after a nasty delivery and special care!

I'd want words with your dh.. at the least he needs to speak to them and tell them to apologise..and make it very clear that they have been unspeakably rude (before they suggest you are being hormonal and over sensitive!)

Congratulations on you baby, and commiserations on your inlaws !!

I agree with the suggestion to prepare some responses in case they pull this shit again. I suggest:

“That’s an incredibly rude thing to say.” - note, not the MN did you mean to be so rude, it’s a statement not a question.

“That’s very offensive and none of your business.”

Or the pause or reach over and end the call. If they’re going to be rude you don’t have to respond with politeness.

I assume (hope!) you have a good relationship with them usually? In which case, it's probably just extreme thoughtlessness/tactlessness rather than a deliberately nasty jibe.

No less upsetting, but you should deal with it in a different way. By all means point out their lack of tact, and how it makes you feel, but maybe don't bite back too viciously.

But if it's par for the course, and they're always this horrible, then disengage - they are not worth you getting upset over. Leave DH to deal with them.

Enjoy your new babe.....

Hmmmm. If your 5 year old Dd was on the call too I wouldn't be as critical as a lot of PP of your DH for not saying anything then and there - as you say, you want her to be oblivious to this for longer if you can. But you should let him know how upset you were and ask him to tell his parents firmly that it's not appropriate to comment on anyone's weight, but especially not a women who has recently had a baby.

Congratulations, enjoy your lovely son, and remember it was your amazing body that made him - it totally rocks!!! Be proud of it.

Take her aside and tell her exactly how you feel.....it's super important that you do that....OUT OD ORDER....congratulations on the birth of your son....day at a time...be happy and enjoy time with your family.....

My mil said similar 2 weeks pp. When we had trailed to another town with ds to meet her and fil. Wish I and bloody stayed home.
She kept snatching the pram and it was doing my head in. So I carried ds and let her push our coats!!

If it happens again over Skype you can be creative in how you react: face the camera to the wall, shut the laptop, send a "reaction", type something scathing in the chat window...
You certainly don't have to put up with that crap.

1982. Saturday I pushed a baby out of my chuff. Tuesday a male neighbour (aged around 30, I was 24) came in to see the baby, and told me I'd be 'concentrating on getting my figure back now', and he and my husband had a good laugh and chat about how important that was, with the inference that I should do my best to be available for sex and 'desirable' as soon as possible. I held my tongue, cuddled my baby and thought 'I'll be concentrating on keeping this little one alive!' I'm still resentful all these years later.

OP, be blunt. 'It's very rude of you to comment on my body. Don't do it again.'