The introvert at the party

[IWishIDidntHaveToGo]

Please can I have your thoughts on this situation?
After a pretty rubbish Christmas I worked out I’m better alone and enjoy my own company, I know I’m an introvert.
DP and I don’t live together but we’ve been together almost ten years.
He has children (late teens).

Here’s my problem. His mum and dad have a celebration planned. I’ve long since been considered part of the family. They are lovely parents to him and I like them but due to my introverted nature I find it really difficult.
When his kids are with their grandparents they play up and it’s just embarrassing and I’d rather not be there.

I’m invited to the party but after the Christmas shenanigans I’d rather not go. DP would be really offended If I told the truth, so would his parents.

Should I throw a sickie or just grin and bear it?

If it’s all or nothing I’ll change my answer, I would pull a sickie but in the background you need to consider whether the issue of the behaviour and DPs response to it is a dealbreaker or not.

His mum and dad have a celebration planned. I’ve long since been considered part of the family

Surely this is about his parents and the fact that they consider you family. Would they consider it rude and a snub for you not to go? If you aren't a step parent, why are his kid's behaviour anything for you to worry about? If they start kicking off - can you not just say something along the lines of this is not my problem to deal with and leave the room.

You’re right, his kids’ behaviour is absolutely nothing to do with me, other than as a bystander who doesn’t want to be in the company of rude and entitled young adults. I’m not a step parent for exactly this reason. He’s asked me to marry him on several occasions and I’ve refused on the basis that I don’t want to be in their lives. I have a lovely relationship with DP outside of his commitments to his children. I don’t interfere and I don’t restrict him seeing them, we work around it and we’re happy provided I don’t have to be in their company.
There are occasions, like this one, where it’s unavoidable so either I don’t go and pull a sickie or I go and hate my life for the hours I’m there.
Please don’t pull the ‘you’re not a step parent so it’s nothing to do with you card’ it’s not about being a step parent it’s about being an adult who doesn’t want to tolerate unpleasant behaviour.

DP’s tolerance to his kids behaviour will not change. They’ve done some disgusting things to him and he allows it. I cannot stand by and watch, I have to put distance between me and them.

@IWishIDidntHaveToGo

DP’s tolerance to his kids behaviour will not change. They’ve done some disgusting things to him and he allows it. I cannot stand by and watch, I have to put distance between me and them.

Does his parents notice the kids behaviour? What is the rest of his family's take on their behaviour?

It’s not my place to ask and I have never spoken to his family about it. But they are nice people and Ive witnessed the odd glance between them and eye roll so I imagine they’re as appalled as I am.

l think it would be better for everyone if you didn' t go.
You have made it clear you won' t enjoy it, and l am sure others will pick up on that.

I wouldn't go anc I'd tell him why.

I’m sure they’ll be too busy enjoying themselves to notice what I think. I absolutely wont enjoy it, that’s the point of the post.

You don’t live with him so start engineering your life to be busier separately from him. Retain your autonomy as much as you can.

I’m not one for being at people’s beck and call, or putting myself through events I don’t want to be at. I wouldn’t want someone to pretend to have a good time for me either!

I think that it’s a shame that your DP’s parents will miss out on your company because of these brats.

Tell DP why you’re thinking of declining the invitation. I know they’re adults but he could still remonstrate with them about their behaviour if he had a mind to.

I’m an extrovert BTW and I’d feel the same as you.

You don’t want to go, so don't go.

Possibly a compromise would be to show your face but need to be excused after an hour because you have a migraine coming, have an onging upset tummy, grumbling appendix, whatever. You have made an effort but have a reason to leave. Don't need to upset anyone by bringing up these issues which are unlikely to be resolved quickly if ever.

I'm a massive introvert. I understand what's going on here. As introverts we tend to stand back and observe instead of joining in all the noise and talking over each other. That's why the kids behavior is unbearable to you. You see what's going on, can't ignore it as well as the others can and so you are more offended/upset by them.

After 40 years of knowing my in-laws I guessing they think I'm unfriendly and maybe a snob. I try my utmost to avoid their get togethers. I'm mentally exhausted afterwards and it brings me no pleasure at all to attend these events. I do join in and get everybody laughing at my jokes and stuff but inside I'm suffering. I just want to get back to my own thoughts and solitude. The older I get the more introverted I have become.

Don't go to anymore of their get togethers if his children are there.

Thank you @Ellowyn that is it exactly!
It’s so nice that someone understands.

I actually had to re-read your OP, as I had assumed it was young children playining up, not adults. This sort of thing can be very hard work. My adult step-children can be similar, and it just sucks the joy out of occasions. I for one wouldn't blame you for not attending, and I'm sure the in-laws would be privately sympathetic at least. I have been triggered into remembering the pantomime I became ill for, because I just couldn't bear the thought of one of the stepdaughters continuing some particularly embarassing attention seeking behaviour. I'm sure that this would be preferable to you having a fall out, which is what I thought when I gave it a swerve.

Thanks @SpongeBobJudgeyPants
I would absolutely hate a fall out with the in-laws and I would hate it if they thought less of me for not attending. Not in a million years would I call his children out for their behaviour as that’s what DP should be doing (or his ex) but I’m so embarrassed by them, I would hate anyone to think they’re mine who didn’t know the situation. I’m pretty sure they know how I feel about them as I see them once or twice a year.

I know what you mean. I suspect mine feel the same, but I'm not willing to tolerate the bad behaviour to get them to like me (just felt like a mug when this was the case). So I suppose you have to work out which is worse for you. I've settled into a position where I'll be civil, but I don't leave myself in a position for them to take the p* which has happened before I gave my head the proverbial wobble.

but I’m so embarrassed by them

Can I ask, why do you find their behaviour embarrassing, when they are nothing to you and their behaviour is no reflection on you?
I understand finding them annoying, I just don't understand the embarrassment. Genuinely curious.

I would really struggle with the relationship. How can you respect him? How can he want to be with you when you say you don't want anything to do with his children? (I don't blame you for that though but wonder what he thinks he's doing with you.)

Can you give one example of the behaviour, doesn’t need huge detail.

I’m embarrassed because they are part of our group and their behaviour reflects badly on everyone in the group. I don’t have to be responsible to feel embarrassed.

By wanting an example would this enable you to belittle my experience? Over ten years there have been so many examples but anyone of them in isolation could appear to some to be minor. To me they’re not but to give an example, falling out with each other over a phone charger which escalated into a full on argument between them on Boxing Day in front of the their grandparents. They were asked to stop half heartedly by DP but carried on until doors were slammed. The boy swears and intimidates his sister, the girl is sulky and manipulative.
Too many incidents over too many years but I’m sure I’ll be told this is normal teenage behaviour. I know a lot of teenagers and they don’t act up like these two.

I’m embarrassed because they are part of our group and their behaviour reflects badly on everyone in the group. I don’t have to be responsible to feel embarrassed.

My understanding was that it was a family party and therefore - these kids are related to everyone there. It's interesting - personally I wouldn't be embarrassed in that situation. I'm more likely to be embarrassed for some one, so it's interesting to see other pov.

It is a family party situation but in the past we’ve done this sort of thing in a restaurant with diners on other tables being strangers.

I am both embarrassed for them and embarrassed to be associates with them.

As I say I’m an introvert. I won’t even walk into a shop if there’s no one else in there. I can’t bear being singled out in any situation. I am much happier being on my own (preference) or blending into the wallpaper, so a ‘scene’ is my thing of nightmares.

To me, that sounds very life limiting, but each to their own.