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Original poster

Ds Not wanting to go to dads

13 replies

carryme · 23/01/2022 21:56

Hoping someone can give some advice I have 12 year old that sees his dad and step mum and half brother 2 nights a month it used to be more regular but has dropped dramatically over the last 3 years.

He hates going says it's because of step mum but if I'm honest although there are some issues with her over stepping boundaries and has on occasion made negative comments about me to my child I think the bigger issue is with his dad but he adores his dad.. I never speak negatively of dad and dads family but am really struggling as my 12 year old gets really anxious from the Tuesday onwards up to seeing his dad on a Friday.

He doesn't want to stay over nights anymore but his dad/ stepmom do make him feel really guilty if he doesn't go I have told him he doesn't have to go but he says he has to do how do I help him feel less anxious and emotional for the days leading up to a visit?

OP posts:

Santahasjoinedww · 23/01/2022 21:59

At 12 I would let your ds make his own decisions. At 12 my ds went nc with his df. Maybe is ds sees you respecting his choices he may feel more confident facing his sm /df.

Original poster

carryme · 23/01/2022 22:05

Thank you for your reply... I have and do tell him when he gets upset he doesn't have to go but he has this overwhelming guilt that he has to go.. and it's this part that I don't know how to deal with or what to do to help.

OP posts:

kerkyra · 23/01/2022 22:06

My ds, 14 stopped going to his dads house two years ago and now his dad picks him up on a sunday and takes him to town for a burger and things to do,then drops him back home.
No more stressing for ds.
It's a tricky age but they're old enough to know what they want.

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kerkyra · 23/01/2022 22:08

He doesn't want to upset his dad,so perhaps you need to explain to his dad and hope he understands.

Original poster

carryme · 23/01/2022 22:10

Thank you for your reply the problem with that is that his dad just wouldn't..ds went through a stage of not going and i suggested that his dad came to collect him for dinner etc and it didn't happen- ds is then made to feel guilty and the circle continues 😣 it's so hard seeing ds like this every other week

OP posts:

Original poster

carryme · 23/01/2022 22:12

I have tried to speak to his dad many times about how ds is before a visit and suggesting that it might help if he calls or texts in the two weeks he doesn't see him or comes to collect him for a couple of hours just the two of the but nothing seems to stick he never arranged to collect him for dinner and the texts happened for about two weeks then stopped.

OP posts:

kerkyra · 23/01/2022 22:17

It sounds really tough for you both. My son couldn't get on with his dads gf as she pretended to like him but i think was jealous,so i just removed him from the situation. Son felt guilt but relief.
I honestly would agree with him and not send him,its up to his dad to step up ( my sons dad hasn't,won't even take him camping for 2 nights in the summer as gf gets funny). But he does at least drive the half hour over every week.

kerkyra · 23/01/2022 22:19

sorry,didn't see your last message. Yes,my ex hardly calls or texts in the week,may be once a month. It's almost like out of sight,out of mind. I get so cross and fustrated but can't bad mouth him infront of son.
good luck op.

Original poster

carryme · 23/01/2022 22:20

Thank you It's so difficult I don't want him to grow up and then blame me for not having a relationship with his dad but equally we can't go on like this because this is damaging him too :(

OP posts:

NoCauseRebel · 23/01/2022 22:35

My ds went through this at roughly the same age. He just didn’t get on with his dad’s partner who essentially changed the instant she moved in, and eXH took her side constantly. He pretty much stopped going during the week and only went eOW when they had a baby, and after she and his dad had a massive row on holiday where she publically screamed insults about me in a crowded restaurant he never went to stay there again. That was 5 years ago.

He sees his dad maybe once every couple of months, and eXH does make the effort to keep in touch with him via text etc, but I know that his dad’s partner has laid on an awful lot of guilt as did his dad in the beginning.

he sees his half brother maybe twice a year, and he and his dad’s partner see each other about the same. His dad’s DSD however refuses to ever speak to him,.

TBH I think that MIL had a word with eXH because she was none too impressed with how he had essentially just walked away from his child.

At 12 I would tell DS that he is now old enough to decide whether he wants to stay there or not. I very much encouraged it until DS was about 14 because I do believe that kids who are so young don’t really understand the impact of going NC, but I did emphasise that the way he feels now will form his relationship going forward, that he has the right to decide how he feels and it isn’t up to anyone to decide for him what he should think or feel.

NoCauseRebel · 23/01/2022 22:38

I would also say that you need to consider the potential wider implications of going NC.

I always said that I wouldn’t want DS to cut off completely, because if anything ever happened to me I wouldn’t want to think of him completely alone. And then it did, and I fell seriously ill 5 years ago and very nearly died. I wouldn’t want to think of DS having no parental relationship any more and being all alone in the world if I suddenly wasn’t there.

Original poster

carryme · 23/01/2022 22:43

Thank you rebel.. I know his mum has spoken with him but it's made very little difference.

What you say is what I worry about too.. I get really anxious if I have to go on a long drive without ds incase anything happens to me.

I guess all I can do for now is be here for him and keep explaining he doesn't need to stay over if he doesn't want to.

I even said to his dad that if he doesn't want to parent him then be his friend but ultimately I can't make him be there for ds if he doesn't want to it's just heartbreaking.

OP posts:

PoptartPoptart · 23/01/2022 22:47

His dad is going to damage his relationship with his son if he insists on these visits or guilt trips him into going. DS will grow to really resent him.
Can you maybe try and have a sensible conversation with his dad or write an email to say how concerned you are about DS’s mental health over this. Be clear you are not trying to stop DS seeing him or that DS doesn’t want to see him at all - but the adults need to find a solution here that makes DS feel comfortable.
If his dad blindly insists on the current arrangements against DS’s will then he will do irreparable damage to the relationship.
And (I hate to say it op because you sound like a lovely caring mum) but he may grow to resent you too if you don’t help him find a solution to this. He needs you to be his advocate here

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