I think I might have just set up a friend with the man who was "supposed" to be mine

QuestionsorComments · 2022-01-23T11:18:50+00:00

It's all a nonsense, we've been skirting around each other for a decade or more but only now for the first time are single at the same time. Friends have been trying to throw us together and we've spent quite a bit of time together as friends because it's been convenient to have someone to go places with, but haven't really developed a connection. He's "nice" and kind and attractive, but not particularly bright or funny. I'd decided in my own mind a week or two ago that he was a good friend, but not partner material for me and tbh I think he feels the same. Anyway, I was gojng to a thing last night that needed even numbers and we were one short, so I invited a female friend. Not someone I know well but a nice person, fun company. OMG, they really hit it off! It was lovely to see, the person he was showing her was not the one I've seen over the last few months. I'm pleased for them, but.....

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 23/01/2022 11:25

Some people bring out a different side of another person. That didn't happen with you two so you weren't the right person for each other.

It's probably just because it's always been available as you say you've known each other for decades and now it's potentially not.

You'd already decided he wasn't the one for you so remind yourself of those reasons.

CurrantBum · 23/01/2022 11:26

If you're describing him as not particularly bright or funny then he's probably not the one for you.

Original poster

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 11:31

Yes, as I said it's all a nonsense. The man he showed me isn't for me, but I quite liked the one he showed her

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Wombat98 · 23/01/2022 11:33

Be a bit of novelty too. Elicits more effort.

Luredbyapomegranate · 23/01/2022 11:35

Chill. You want a partner, so it’s bound to sting a tiny bit seeing a partnership take off. You are not interested in him - if you don’t find him either bright or funny then it’s a non starter.

DragonDoor · 23/01/2022 11:40

He has a more flirty/engaging persona around this woman because they just met. You know his real personality and don’t have a connection.

Don’t spend any more thine thinking about this man, look for someone you connect with .

StruggleStreet · 23/01/2022 11:45

I think it’s normal for it to sting a bit. Even though he probably wasn’t the one for you (otherwise it would have happened in the last 10 years), he’s no longer an option if he gets with your friend. I think it’s okay to feel weird about that.

Original poster

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 11:50

Probably, I'm more concerned that if he gets together with her I lose my easy/convenient friend/partner. He's been somone either of us could call at short notice for an evening out and be fairly certain we'd be free

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Grinnypiggy · 23/01/2022 11:53

I'm going to offer the other view...
This was me, sort of. My 'one who was meant for me' was just the same, we never dated but we're good friends. He was kind, fun etc, but for me there wasn't that extra thing most of the time. He was interested in me though, for a very long time. Then, he started dating someone else and the green eyed monster emerged from me
After things ended with him and that person, we started dating. I soon discovered that actually he is really funny and exciting, but was just a bit shy and I hadn't seen it properly before. He is my person through and through, literally like the other half of me. We've been married a few years now and I adore him utterly.

I think that if nothing happens with your friends you should ask him out. It may come to nothing, but whatever you do, don't be standing at their wedding acutely aware of what you've missed. My heart could break when I think how close me and my husband came to never giving things a try.

Original poster

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 12:00

@Grinnypiggy

I'm going to offer the other view... This was me, sort of. My 'one who was meant for me' was just the same, we never dated but we're good friends. He was kind, fun etc, but for me there wasn't that extra thing most of the time. He was interested in me though, for a very long time. Then, he started dating someone else and the green eyed monster emerged from me

After things ended with him and that person, we started dating. I soon discovered that actually he is really funny and exciting, but was just a bit shy and I hadn't seen it properly before. He is my person through and through, literally like the other half of me. We've been married a few years now and I adore him utterly.

I think that if nothing happens with your friends you should ask him out. It may come to nothing, but whatever you do, don't be standing at their wedding acutely aware of what you've missed. My heart could break when I think how close me and my husband came to never giving things a try.

Hmm. I'm now wondering if part of the reason there's been no connection is because we've been too polite around each other. Both careful not to cross the "friendship" line when it might be unwelcome. We're both fairly newly single in quite difficult (but different) circumstances and the official stance is that neither of us is looking for "someone" yet

The group we were with last night though were having some heated (though good natured) debates about religion, race, the situation in Ukraine, how the population would react if an asteroid was about to hit.... and he really doesn't have anything to contribute. He can be funny in a self depreciating kind of way.

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Original poster

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 12:02

Actually, that just confirms I know I'm not interested in him romantically, but he and she are some of the few single friends I've been able to call on since I became single. That's probably what's bothering me. I'm sorry, but coupled up people are lousy friends to single people, as I've discovered since DH's death.

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Tullig · 23/01/2022 12:19

@QuestionsorComments

Probably, I'm more concerned that if he gets together with her I lose my easy/convenient friend/partner. He's been somone either of us could call at short notice for an evening out and be fairly certain we'd be free

He’s your ‘convenient friend/partner’ and you’re his. Neither of you considers the other a romantic prospect, so the version of himself he shows you is the unvarnished ‘slippers and pyjamas’ version. The cool, exciting one he’s showing your friend is the ‘I want you to fancy me one.’

Tullig · 23/01/2022 12:21

@QuestionsorComments

Actually, that just confirms I know I'm not interested in him romantically, but he and she are some of the few single friends I've been able to call on since I became single. That's probably what's bothering me. I'm sorry, but coupled up people are lousy friends to single people, as I've discovered since DH's death.

I think you’ve been unlucky with your friends, OP. I’ve been ‘coupled’ up with DH for almost 30 years and we still both see single friends all the time, together and separately. The thing that prevents spontaneity is childcare.

AlDanvers · 23/01/2022 12:24

I agree you have been y lucky with friends.

When my marriage broke down and I had to flee for mine and my kids safety. The people who supported me most, were friends who also happened to be xoupked up.

You care about them both. Be happy for them. for you though. Co placated feelings really (as my teenager would say) suck.

Original poster

QuestionsorComments · 23/01/2022 12:24

It's the people we knew as couples. I don't for with them anymore and they've pretty much melted away.

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AlDanvers · 23/01/2022 12:25

Complicated not co placated.

I was eating cake and posting at the same time. Sorry 🤦‍♀️

TokyoTen · 23/01/2022 12:33

Sounds a great outcome for all 3 of you!