OK, so DS2 isn't coping with his dad's death as well as I thought

[QuestionsorComments]

Or maybe he's just being a normal 18yo? DH died 6months ago and DS2 has insisted he's "fine" but has definitely gone inside himself, rarely going out or talking to anyone, but still very lively chatting to friends online - which is normal for him and developed over lockdown, I suppose.

Anyway, I went out for dinner at a friend's last night, got home about 2am and DS2 was gaming with friends, again normal. He'd had "a beer" and seemed normal.

At 4am, I'm woken by a thud, go to investigate and find that DS2 has fallen out of bed and is lying on pool of vomit. I then spend the next hours clearing up vomit from practically every room in the house - although tbf he did keep insisting he'd do it in the morning. It seems in addition to the beer, He'd been at his dad's whisky.

I then spend what's left of the night worried that he's going to choke in his sleep, have woken up with an awful cold and headache/hangover type symptoms, which I most definitely do not deserve!

DS2 has just got up and jumped in the shower and declared himself fine! It's not fair!

Anyway. I've been worried about him because he doesn't talk and he's refused all offers of support, but he does seem to be functioning OK at work etc. and is generally a good lad.

Do you think I need to do more than hope he's learned his lesson (DS1 came home in a much worse state, barely conscious, once, at the same age and has barely touched a drop since!) be "there", continue reminding him of the support that's available to him or should I do more to "make" him access some help? I'm really not sure how I do that though

[QuestionsorComments]

He's now busy tidying his room so we can give the carpet a good clean

I never normally see him before midday at the weekend

[HaroldMeeker]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Some people just aren't talkers - is it is normal for him to clam up? The drinking, vomiting etc on a Saturday night sounds quite normal for his age to me.

[QuestionsorComments]

@HaroldMeeker

I'm so sorry for your loss. Some people just aren't talkers - is it is normal for him to clam up? The drinking, vomiting etc on a Saturday night sounds quite normal for his age to me.

Drinking at home on his own? That's the bit that bothers me.

Yes, he's never been a talker. When people ask me how he is my only response is usually, OK, I think, no different to normal.

[saraclara]

Drinking to excess in the company of mates, is one thing. Drinking to that level alone is another.

I think you need a conversation pointing that out.

[IveNameChangedAgain2020]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Doesn't sound normal to me and I would push for him to get some support. Self healing with alcohol isn't the answer as you know - and he probably knows that too. Could you say that you'd cover 10 sessions or something and if he feels after that he doesn't need them, then fair enough? Sending you both love. It's hard when they're still your child but they're an adult.

[HaroldMeeker]

Ah, I'm so sorry, I missed that he was alone. I thought he was with his friends.

[Bigkingdom]

I’m glad you were there for him when he needed you. A frank discussion is definitely needed about his drinking. We just buried a close family friend that died in her sleep choking on her own vomit after drinking to excess.

[DDivaStar]

I'm so sorry for your loss, this must be a very hard time for you all.

Talking therapy will generally only be useful when people are open to it, making him go probably wont achieve much.

I think you do need to be Frank with him that drinking and closing off to the world is not a good way to deal with his feelings. Make sure he knows you're there if he wants to talk.

I wouldn't panic too much about one overindulgence,most people have been there.

Grief is a process, there will be ups and downs.

[PermanentTemporary]

Difficult one. I've come to think it was easier that dh died when ds was 14 because he had the structures of school around him. It's good that your ds talks to friends. I didn't give ds a choice about meeting with the school counsellor once, luckily she was of course good at building rapport with adolescents and they saw each other regularly for a while. I am certain he was protective of me and didn't share stuff with me despite all my efforts because he perhaps was afraid of upsetting me.

I think the drinking gives you a reason to be the grown up here. You can tell him that your grief is raw, you are finding it difficult and are seeking therapy yourself (are you?) and you've booked him a session with a counsellor because people who are in pain can get into bad trouble with alcohol. Find a specialist in bereaved adolescents and book it. Worst case scenario is that they don't click or it's a one off, but at least he has the possibility opened up in his mind.

[PermanentTemporary]

Oh and do you have a pet? The things I read spoke with one voice in advising a pet for grieving teenagers. We have 2 cats. I hate living with animals but they are OK. Ds adores them.