Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Blocked by friend

40 replies

Yummypumpkin · 19/01/2022 13:13

Trying to get perspective on this.

I've recently reconnected with an old friend.

She was going through a divorce and I've made myself endlessly available to support.

I recently had some bad news.

She didn't really engage with this.

I messaged her saying I didn't know what to make of this. I went further than I should and called her self centered. There is a lot of evidence of this.

She has blocked me on everything.

I accept and respect her decision.

How should I have handled this?

OP posts:
bluechinavase · 20/01/2022 09:00

Just a different perspective here ...... did she ask for your support or did you offer it endlessly? Did you get in touch because she was going through a divorce or did you just happen to bump into her and learn that she was going through a divorce? TBH if you've only recently reconnected and you consider that you've been this very supportive, wonderful friend to her all of a sudden after all these years then it may have come across to her as needy and it was more than she could handle. Once the personal insults started she took it as an opportunity to block you.

Sorry if that sounds a bit off OP but I had a friend that was always over supportive when there wasn't really a need for it. She used any small issue to connect with me on a deeper level that I found suffocating and didn't respect my boundaries. Often the normal way of dealing with such a situation is to distance yourself but she wasn't picking up the cues so I had to tell her straight that I felt smothered by her. I wished her no harm and know that saying what I did probably was a million times harder to hear but I needed space from her and she wasn't letting go. Maybe this other lady felt the same and you gave her the opportunity to block her.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 09:44

@CrimbleCrumble1 she reconnected with me, triggered I think by a major life event she was going through, which I've been through.

I definitely lost some boundaries as I quickly became "the only person she could tell" things to

OP posts:
Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 09:47

@bluechinavase I appreciate your comment.

I think she was needy and I don't think I suffocated her however: I enjoyed feeling needed and became overinvolved in the small details of her life. I unwittingly became a crutch and frequently ended up apologising for times when I couldn't cheer her up. It wasn't a healthy dynamic and I definitely am 50% responsible for that.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
CandyLeBonBon · 20/01/2022 09:51

[quote Yummypumpkin]@bluechinavase I appreciate your comment.

I think she was needy and I don't think I suffocated her however: I enjoyed feeling needed and became overinvolved in the small details of her life. I unwittingly became a crutch and frequently ended up apologising for times when I couldn't cheer her up. It wasn't a healthy dynamic and I definitely am 50% responsible for that.[/quote]
It wasn't unwitting though was it? It sounds like you enjoyed playing the saviour but then martyred yourself when the level of input you gave wasn't returned. She may well be needy but it sounds like there's accountability on your part too.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 10:03

For sure @CandyLeBonBon...that's what I'm trying to understand.

I think I assumed she would move through this phase and recognise her independence and autonomy.

Instead it has been a long series of infatuation, flings, nasty Fallings out with the flings....certainly for her happiness means a man and it's also clear she still sees herself as the victim.

This means any request by me for support is seen as demanding.

I've been wanting to work towards a relationship of equals but in her head I'm very much in the 'shoulder to cry on role.

I'm not sure I ever 'enjoyed playing the saviour' but I hoped to help her when she was low and hoped she'd come to recognise her own power.

Perhaps that is what she has done!

OP posts:
CandyLeBonBon · 20/01/2022 10:12

Sounds like you're well out of it OP. Sadly, people like that rarely raise their heads above the parapet long enough fir self reflection so there's little else you can do. You seem pretty self-aware so I don't think there's much else to be done really. Onwards and upwards and just try to recognise that her constant need for your validation was unhealthy for both of you.

CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/01/2022 10:17

It sounds like she got what she could from
you emotionally when you needed it and then either didn’t want to offer you support or just wasn’t in the right head space to do so.
Either way try not to think too much about it and ignore her if she gets back in touch in x amount of years time.

maddy68 · 20/01/2022 10:18

I don't blame her. You have been very unreasonable
She hasn't done anything wrong.

It's deajt with. You're blocked. End of

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 10:20

What was unreasonable @maddy68?

OP posts:
CrimbleCrumble1 · 20/01/2022 10:26

It sounds like she got what she could from
you emotionally when you needed it and then either didn’t want to offer you support or just wasn’t in the right head space to do so.
Either way try not to think too much about it and ignore her if she gets back in touch in x amount of years time
I’ve not explained myself clearly
It sounds like she got what she could from
you emotionally when she needed it and then either didn’t want to offer you support or just wasn’t in the right head space to do so when you were going through something.
Either way try not to think too much about it and ignore her if she gets back in touch in x amount of years time.

bluechinavase · 20/01/2022 10:34

@Yummypumpkin I can relate. I think my friend has a need to feel needed - it gave her agency - and perhaps unwittingly I enabled that by responding to her constant texts and whatsapps and calls initially but it became overwhelming and the relationship became unbalanced.
I wouldn't fret over this too much. Sounds like you were helpful, a crutch is a good description, but now she doesn't have the bandwidth for you for whatever reason. It sounds like it was an unbalanced relationship and now it's best that you're out of it for some breathing space yourself.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 10:42

Thanks @bluechinavase yes it felt so delightful to reconnect but a bad dynamic went on too long.

I can see I was too confrontational in raising my frustrations. But blocking seemed a very strong response. Then again, all her flings end up blocked, so I should have known this is how she handles things.

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/01/2022 10:51

Well you don't give friends deadlines for a start. You really "gave her five days to respond"? She's not a business colleague.

But basically you should have just accepted that she wasn't able to be there for you for whatever reason, and left it.

I've never once asked a friend or acquaintance to account for their response to anything involving me, not had anyone she'd me to do so. I chose what I do for others and they choose what they do for me. And for both of us it will depend on what what is going on in our lives and our ability to do so.

Sometimes friends have disappointed me, and it's very possible that I've disappointed others. But we're just carried on and picked up at other points when we've been available.

So basically you don't ask friends to give an account for their behaviour and treat them like employees.

saraclara · 20/01/2022 10:53

not had anyone she'd me to do so.

Nor has anyone asked me to do so. Sorry.

Original poster
Yummypumpkin · 20/01/2022 11:38

Oh @saraclara. Fair points. Thanks for explaining.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page