Fell out with friend

[EatAllDay]

Hi
So a few months ago I had a massive drunken row with my friend. We’ve never fought before, I’ve never really had a fight or fallen out with anyone before. It was a covid based argument but got out of hand.

We havent spoken since. A mutual friend talked to me today and said our friend is broken hearted and wants to sort it out.
I am really confused as to what to do. We’ve known each other over 30 years but we are fundamentally very different in our core values. She’s going through a very very messy break up and I’ve done a lot to help her and be there for her etc. One of her big problems is she’s a heavy smoker and drinks 7 nights a week. She’s also had cancer but was straight back to smoking and drinking after surgery. I do miss her and it’s awkward with our friend group if we don’t speak. I just can’t think straight ; should I draw a line or move on? Or are we just at the end of the road? I just struggle to stand by and watch her lifestyle and how it affects her kids.
I think I’m a ‘fixer’ and need to stop trying to sort her out?
My friend suggested that i just avoid being around our mutual friend when she’s drinking as it gets too messy.

Any guidance appreciated

Why not meet up and chat and tell her that because you’ve been friends for 30 years you have naturally cared about her wellbeing but seeing her wreck her health with smoking and drinking and the consequent bad behaviour when she is drunk is not something you can tolerate any longer especially as you worry about her children.

She may tell you to eff orf or she may reflect on your honesty and decide to change.

Drunken rows are the worst, no filter whatsoever, so hurtful things can be said, things that would normally not be mentioned.

You do sound a bit judgemental though, with a cancer diagnosis, she may think what the hell, I may as well drink and smoke, because it's too late to start with Pilates and a raw food diet.

Make up with her, 30 years is a long friendship to throw away.

I think you sound incompatible, and she's unwittingly triggering an unhealthy attachment behaviour in you.

Maybe you could just meet occasionally when you're both sober, from now on? Afternoon walks/coffees?

It's not black and white; there are an infinite number of levels of friendship. It just sounds like you need to have a different sort of friendship, now.

Really good replies thanks. I can’t decide if I’m judgemental or we just have different values. She is in a black hole but I guess I’m at a point where I need to decide if I can stand by and watch her damage herself or just walk away. She is currently unable to take the first step in getting serious help. She just feels too overwhelmed in shit to stop her self destruction.
She told me her 17 year old was driving with no licence, tax or insurance. This was before our row. So in that type of scenario am I to say nothing?
We usually just meet for coffee etc. I don’t go out with her where there’s drink involved usually

So was the drunken row just your friend having had a few too many?
No judgement, I'm just wondering how it kicked off?

You clearly care so I would keep the friendship but be honest. When she tells you her teenager is driving illegally tell her ridiculous that is and remind her of all the dangers (if she’s has a drink problem she might not even consider the obvious). I’ve been in shit situations and I’ve always valued the people who were blunt with me even it was hard to hear at the time.

It was a covid based argument. We have different opinions but she just kicked off about it that night, stupid topic, came out of nowhere, then she got very aggressive and was shouting etc .. in a pub!

I suppose the kindest way of approaching this is to think that your friend must be under a lot of stress, so maybe that has sparked off her blowing her top...
I would find it hard to think that way, though, if I'm honest.

Does she know she is 'broken' therefore you are the fixer!? I feel at this point, if BOTH of you want to carry on being friends then it will workout!! Do you miss her as a friend? Or is it just the drama and the fixing!? Sorry you sound like you give but also want to let others know you gave!?

Hope you find peace with your friendship. You only live once and doesn't matter how long a friendship has been but would you depend or rely on that person is another matter. People will come and go in your life, the ones are meant to stay, will stay 💐