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Original poster

Lunch Etiquette

52 replies

Tallyhodavey · 17/01/2022 13:25

Yesterday, we had some friends over for lunch. We don’t know them particularly well but they are local friends. They were invited for 1pm. Lunch was lovely, and then, after coffee and chat I went to do some washing up and the woman joined me. 8 hrs later, they were still here. We had tried a couple of ploys- oh it was lovely of you to come etc etc, but they fell on stony ground. They very proudly told us early on that they’d been to a friends the night before and stayed up till 1am talking- they seemed proud of this fact which should have been a warning sign. A couple of times they said, ‘oh, when you want us to go, just let us know’, but I felt like, who does that?! It would be rude of me as host to tell you it’s time to go. Eventually I said I had to put our daughter to bed and even this didn’t trigger any movement. Eventually I said, it’s nearly my bedtime- I go to bed at 10- and they finally left. I just feel it was really rude to monopolise our entire day and that if you are invited for lunch, you should depart 2 or 3 hrs later. I must add that this wasn’t a boozy lunch- we all had one glass of wine with the meal and then moved to coffee. What do people think? Was the onus on me as host to ask them to leave?

OP posts:
AllyBama · 17/01/2022 14:42

I can’t believe you missed your evening meal for the sake of being polite? When they obviously had no qualms about being cheeky fuckers and well and truly overstaying their welcome. I mean who actually does that? I’d be in bed by that time. Of course the onus is on them but absolutely YABU to not grow a pair after 8 hours and say something!

Original poster
Tallyhodavey · 17/01/2022 14:45

No- but it was a big lunch and dessert!

OP posts:
JDaytona · 17/01/2022 14:51

We have a pair of friends like this. They now don't get invited to peoples houses.

They've complained about not being invited to peoples houses for dinner, and one of our more blunt friends said "Yes, because you don't leave. You stay far too late". They were very offended. We later thought we'd invite them to a dinner party thinking they might leave earlier now they've been told. They left at 1am (dinner at 6) after being told we needed to be in bed by 10, and after telling them a couple of times during the evening that it's not going to be a late one.

We've gone back to not inviting them. They always want to get shitfaced too.

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2bazookas · 17/01/2022 14:52

They were very rude . No doubt targeted you for a free overnight stay.

Nevermakeit · 17/01/2022 14:59

They probably think you were massively rude not to offer them dinner or some more refreshments hahahah. Expecting to see a post coming up on MN about this shortly! :)

BeyondMyWits · 17/01/2022 15:04

"Sorry, got to chuck you out, got stuff to do"... everyone I know, including us, does this...

AllKindsOfWrong · 17/01/2022 15:05

I just say Right it's time you were off, and boot them out of the door.
You need to stand up for yourself and tell them straight.

DSGR · 17/01/2022 15:09

I don’t invite friends to lunch and expect them to only stay two hours though. For a 1pm lunch I’d expect people to stay until 5/6pm. I think that’s normal.
Obviously yours stayed much longer!

Original poster
Tallyhodavey · 17/01/2022 15:12

Agreed that this may work in a situation where you know each other well, but we hardly know these people.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 17/01/2022 15:13

really didn’t want to be rude

It isn't about being rude, it's really about having some decent boundaries.

No point hinting.

In plenty of time before you really want them gone, you say 'would you like a coffee / top up before you go'. Provide whatever you have offered but use body language to indicate the party is over.

When they have finished that round you check that they are finished, get their coats and if necessary open front door. Say lots of lovely to see you while standing there with door open.

Adapt as necessary.

VoyageInTheDark · 17/01/2022 15:14

I hate people thinking I'm being rude and would've felt really awkward but at the same time I wouldn't have missed dinner for anyone!

Shapiro · 17/01/2022 15:15

How is it rude to say thank you and goodbye?

It’s not like you have set the hounds on them.

Imayhaveerred · 17/01/2022 15:17

You need to borrow the little boy from another thread who told all his party guests to get ready to go home after the cake.

Lots of people are saying he was rude.

I’m thinking that some people just need to be told.

thevassal · 17/01/2022 15:18

Hmm I think you were a little bit at fault sorry op. I read an article about people who are direct vs indirect - both groups are convinced their way is right and are shocked the other party thinks them rude.

For example in some cultures the norm is to offer cake -guest says they'd better not - host offers again- guest refuses - offers again "ah go on it's only a tiny bit - guest finally accepts. Whereas in other countries host offers once and guest says no so host takes the cake away - they think it would be rude to pressure guest into something they clearly don't want. Whereas first host would be shocked and think guest was rude if they said yes straightaway or "no, why do you keep asking me?"

You only have to read the mn debates on showering/towel or bedding changing etc etc to see that what you assumed was a universally accepted "norm" isn't.

In your case your guests were obviously enjoying themselves, their "norm" (as theyd done the night before) is to have long visits, and they told you several times to tell them if they were overstaying their welcome. I agree I would also be surprised and annoyed and guests staying longer than expected and not picking up hints, but if they actually said "tell us when you're sick of us" I would have probably said something like "oh I'd never be sick of you but since you've mentioned it I am really tired tonight/I need to get dc to sleep so shall we call it a night?"

It might feel rude to you but it wouldn't to a direct person. They would probably think it was much ruder to give them the impression you wanted them to stay (because when they directly asked to to tell them when it's time to go you presumably said "oh no dont go" or something noncommittal) and then moan about them behind their backs.

Neither of you are wrong or right its just different communication styles.

HeronLanyon · 17/01/2022 15:19

Friends round for lunch would be 2 hours ish or a bit more of at weekend. Could be whole afternoon if a journey involved or going for walk or to a pub or something but you’d know beforehand.
In these circs I would definitely have said after 3 hours - I’m going to have to bring this to an end - ive got (insert lie here). Really lovely to see you both.

No way on earth would they still be there at 10pm. What a nightmare but I don’t understand why you didn’t simply say something.

dreamersdown · 17/01/2022 15:21

@KStockHERO

Are they sex people?
THEY’RE SEX PEOPLE LYNN!
junglejane66 · 17/01/2022 15:22

Father Stone?

LettertoHermoine · 17/01/2022 15:25

That would be my idea of hell!

midlifecrash · 17/01/2022 15:25

Are people going to have to start saying “come for lunch, 1 for 1.15. Departure time 3.30 prompt”

480Widdio · 17/01/2022 15:28

Why would you invite people you hardly know to your home for lunch?Don’t do that until you know someone well enough to tell them to leave when you have had enough.

Sorry but I think you are to blame for this happening.

VerveClique · 17/01/2022 15:29

Just get the party bags out! Everyone knows it's time to clear off after the party bags.

Seriously - exactly what @FinallyHere says. Do that!

Theblacksheepandme · 17/01/2022 15:30

Nevermakeit
They probably think you were massively rude not to offer them dinner or some more refreshments hahahah. Expecting to see a post coming up on MN about this shortly! smile

I was thinking the same thing. There was a thread I read recently where the persons little boy told guests once they finish their cake it's time to leave. I loved his way of thinking.

magicstar1 · 17/01/2022 15:41

As I get older, I find it easier to be blunt. I'd say "Right, I have to kick you out now...got to get stuff ready for tomorrow / shower / make lunches" etc. whatever's easiest to make up. Tbh, it sounds like they were waiting for you to do this anyway.

Dean Martin had a great way to end his house parties when they went on to long. He'd go and ring the police to complain about the noise coming from the Martin house, and the police would come out to send everyone home lol.

TheChemicalMother · 17/01/2022 15:45

oh, when you want us to go, just let us know’, but I felt like, who does that

Me! I would have laughed and said ‘actually lovely as it is having you here I do have to kick you out in 20 mins as I have to xyz etc etc’. Abd after 20 mins I would say ‘right, that’s my curfew, I have to xyz… let’s do this again sometime, is this your coat?’

underneaththeash · 17/01/2022 15:45

We had friends like that OP. Turns out their marriage was going tits up and they didn't want to be alone with each other.
They're now divorced.

But, they could stay for hours over their welcome.