Why is DS so angry all of the time?

[Hospedia]

DS is 13yo and is autistic, part of his particular profile involves difficulties with emotional literacy and emotional regulation. Usually he is a happy, bouncy, affectionate kid and genuinely a joy to be around, you can't be next to DS in a good mood and not end up in a good mood yourself. He does have areas of day-to-day life that are tricky for him, there are ups and downs, he has meltdowns here and there but overall we scaffold him as best we can and he's progressing.

Over the last couple of months he's gradually gotten moodier and angrier until he's now at the point where the slightest thing sets his temper off, it's like he's on the cusp of a meltdown most of the time. He calls his siblings names, throws stuff, is verbally aggressive, storms off, and when he's not storming off he goes on a sit-in protest (basically sits/lies down and refuses to budge. He's grounded all weekend and has no phone or gaming time after telling his dad to "fuck off" after his dad told him to stop shouting at his brother (DS was singing a song, his brother joined in, DS screamed at him to "shut the hell up"). He does not get spoken to like that by us and we do not swear at/around him before anyone jumps on that. He's also being really controlling around things like food, his routine, clothing, etc. He's usually very particular around these things anyway as part of him being autistic but it's like they've escalated, all of his traits seem to have escalated too. It's like he's always in a disregulated state.

This behaviour is not like him and is completely out of character. From speaking with him while he's calm he knows its wrong and he doesn't want to do it but he doesn't understand why he is doing it or how to stop once he starts. He says he's not being bullied but he does say he doesn't like school because he feels stupid and that he hates himself so it's making him angry.

We're using zones of regulation, we have signals agreed with him that he can give where he's not coping so we can step in, we're watching for his non-verbal cues that he's starting to get aggravated so we can intervene as needed, we're taking through our feelings (narrating them), we've gotten Mighty Moe back out, praising positive behaviours, etc etc and doing all the things we usually do as well as looking for ways of adapting his emotional/mental toolkit to support him through this. He knows he can speak to us about anything and that if he's not comfortable he has ither trusted adults he can talk to. I've made a referral to the school health team to see if they can offer any support too and if they can go into school to assess exactly what is going on there and see if there are any areas he's finding especially difficult (he does have emotional support written into his EHCP but the last reports for it were done nearly three years ago). He had a paediatric development check-up last year and they told us he was showing signs of puberty and that a lot of autistic people find this stage difficult as it can be such a roller coaster.

Is there anything anyone could suggest in the meantime that we maybe haven't considered or any books, etc that could be useful? Particularly parents of autistic teens or autistic adults who have gone through this themselves, I'm posting here rather than the SN boards for the traffic.

As a fellow autistic, raging hormones and constant sensory overload coupled with the difficulty of coping with the increadingly complex social behaviour of his peers would be my best guess.

Worth remembering also that he will be operating at a level of emotional development two thirds of his chronological age - so in other words he is mentally 8-9 years old whilst trying to handle all of the above.

He's incredibly stressed, basically.

*increasingly

Because his testosterone levels are rising. His body is turning him into an adult male. It's hard enough for neuro typical boys to adjust.
He will be in an emotional tornado while his brain learns to cope with this new thing in its chemistry.

I'm also autistic and pu eryy is fucking HARD.
Hes struggling with raging hormones and the complexities of social interaction with his peers, which becomes much less child like as they get older.
I have a 13 year old NT boy who is also snappy, moody and grumpy. Its normal for them to go through this, and being autistic means your boy finds it even harder so will be even grumpier than most

Puberty*

There is a book called Divas and Doorslammers by Charlie Taylor, in which he describes how the adolescent brain goes through a rewiring process during the teenage years. He says that, while the brain is rewiring, the teenager can lose some abilities - temper control, impulse control, sense of proportion and the ability to realise you aren’t the centre of the universe, to name some.

He says this is why teenagers become surly, insensitive, quick to lose their temper, uncommunicative etc - and it sounds as if this is what is happening to your son, @Hospedia - it’s normal teenage behaviour, possibly exacerbated by the autism.

Taylor describes these changes as being akin to temporary brain damage - which sounds terrifying, but the key word is temporary. Once the brain changes settle down, most or all of the abilities come back.

I have three dses. Two went through the teenage years without too many rocky patches, but ds3’s teen years were bloody hard. He had a hair trigger temper, became less than monosyllabic and called me some terrible names. Getting him to do his school work was a nightmare, and I was not convinced that we would both survive his teenage years.

But he came through it. I nearly fainted one day, when he came into the kitchen and told me he’d done his homework and tidied his room, then gave me a hug. He’s in his mid 20s now, with a degree, a job and a lovely girlfriend, and he is a lovely young man.

The teenage years are hard, but they do come through them.

Grounding doesn’t strike me as being effective- really it’s punishing him for his disability.

The grounding was purely for him telling his dad to fuck off, I don't normally give him any consequences for swearing during a meltdown or when overloaded but he wasn't having a meltdown when he said it which is why he got grounded for it.

Thank you all for the advice, its really helpful.

The teenage years are hard, but they do come through them.

I get the feeling this is going to be my mantra for the next decade or so until I get all of them through the teen years.

We do still get flashes of the lovely boy he usually is. He's really good at art and he's spent the last half hour sitting with his brother teaching him how to draw his favourite cartoon characters.

Yes, 15 yr old ND DD has had a similar trajectory since age 10! It is very hard - what is the autism, what is hormones, what is personality and will it get better? All I can say is pick your battles, reward/ incentivise good behaviour, remember the point made by PP about chronological v ‘developmental’ age and thank your lucky stars you haven’t got periods in the mix. For anyone who has, I thoroughly recommend the pill for suppressing menstruation - the sensory and executive-function elements are unbearable for many autistic teenage girls.

Ross Greene's The Explosive Child and his website Lives in the Balance are full of different strategies that you may find useful OP.

My ds is autistic.

He had an EHCP at school and had been supported so well he was doing amazingly.

Just after he turned 14 you began to be scared to even breathe in his presence for fear of setting off a meltdown!

His HOY rang me and was concerned he was so out of character personality wise for him. I also noticed he was growing quite fast!

I suggested hormones and monitoring for a few months.

6 months later he returned to his calm and passive self and a delight to be around.

So I'd go with hormones as likely cause!