Pregnant with Narc ex

[Flowers2622]

Hi I was hoping for a bit of advise or just to hear from anyone in a similar situation,

I have been in a very abusive relationship for two years, he has isolated me from his friends and family, turned them against me, used silent treatment for 24 hours and if I didn’t react he would kick me out the house, come home and kick off or if it benefited him he would decide it can be forgotten but I would have to help him. He used money to try and take control, he knew I was paying my daughters full nursery from prev relationship and it was a difficult time, he would say he would help but I never asked for any, if I told him I was struggling he would then say ‘so your expecting me to pay’ it was all mind games, he would tell people I was with him for money so I did everything in the relationship to prove that wasn’t the case, he would kick me and my daughter out numerous times, i was in a very vulnerable position and shouldn’t have gone back but he would ‘do whatever it takes’ to get me back, he was violent towards me and this lead to police being involved, he didn’t treat my daughter very well, he seemed to have jealousy over her.

Anyway when I found out I was pregnant he had told me things were better with us, but his actions proved otherwise. He then started saying he was going to commit suicide and wasn’t happy with me, he attempted it right in front of me and I had no choice but to call the police, a week later he tried to seek revenge and called the police on me and got social services involved. I had to move out of our home before he got my daughter taken away, luckily the SS saw right through it and told me they didn’t need to do any checks, however if I returned to him my daughter and unborn child would be put under child protection.

I’m in my final weeks of pregnancy and living with family whilst I wait for him to take me off the mortgage, he is using it as a hold to put him on the birth certificate but I’ve been advised to not put him on it and let him take me to court to make sure he isn’t using the baby as a hold and he is going to care for this child properly. His actions haven’t shown this so far by the way he’s treated my daughter either, but he is being very smart by putting in email how much he wants to be a dad, something we never was able to have a conversations about. He also had a drug problem which he kept a secret but in the recent weeks before we broke up I kept finding some in his draws.

I don’t want to withhold him from being a dad but SS are concerned if I was to go back (which I won’t), so I just want the courts to make that decision as I worry about what he’s capable of. I also don’t want this just be a way of having a hold on me and getting to use the time he collects our child to abuse me.

Sorry for the long explanation, Has anyone got any advise please? X

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that you're stopping him from being a Dad. That's just emotional blackmail.

He's got no one to blame but himself for his behaviour and actions........ in order to keep your baby and yourself safe, do exactly as SS tell you and engage completely with them. If they've told you not to put him on the birth certificate, then don't.

I'd block all forms of contact from him while you focus on yourself and your DC - or get a family member to do it.

Do everything SS tell you, or you risk losing your kids.
This man is controlling you, you need to stop letting him.

The only advice I can give is 1. Don't put his name on the BC.

1. Give baby your last name.
2. Do EVERYTHING SS say, to the letter.

Honestly it makes no difference whether he's on the BC or not if he's minded to go to court and go on it but I wouldn't make it easy for him.

If you aren't safe with him, then your baby isn't. If he's threatening suicide then your baby definitely isn't physically safe with him.

Court is a horrendous process, my court battle lasted 2 years and was utter hell. But my child is now safe from my abusive ex.

What shocked me when as that even if contact was granted in a contact centre only 14 contacts would be funded after that it was down to us- at £140 a time! Not only I couldn't afford that fortnightly but nothing would have been put in place for him to overcome his issues so how could contact centre contact ever end?

In the end my case ended with indirect contact which he refused. Keep your child safe and don't normalise his abusive ways- if he is not safe to you he's not safe in the company of your daughter.

Thank you both, it’s been a very stressful time and he got mediation involved because I said we will discuss everything when the baby is born, I advised I would happily look at these steps once the baby is born however not having a permanent home for me and my children and being in the last few weeks of pregnancy it’s already a lot of stress, they advised it wouldn’t go ahead anyway as he didn’t mention the domestic abuse. He has then sent emails saying don’t stop me from being a dad, I can’t help but feel bad as I couldn’t imagine being in that position and he’s approaching people I know telling them he just wants to be on the birth certificate, so that it gets back to me and I’m looking awful as I’m just staying quiet as I already having SS and womens aid involved.

Thank you everyone for your quick responses! Gives me reassurance that I’m doing what’s best, he’s played on my empathy throughout the relationship and he’s still doing it now, I need to remember he tried to get my daughter taken away from me and smirked when I told him what his lies had done, he showed no care and now wants me to believe him when he wants access. I know court is going to be really hard and cause more stress but I need to put my unborn babies safety first, then if they allow access it’s the courts decision and I have presented my concerns.