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How do I stop my daughter using cocaine?

14 replies

Benjiblob · 15/01/2022 18:04

Hi everyone I feel a bit stupid putting this on here because my daughter is 28. However I am a parent and she is my child and I am worried. She recently split up with a boyfriend who was heavily into taking drugs and helped her spend over 40k on drugs over 3 years. Now she is back home living with us trying to sort her life out and save up for a house and after a shaking start has settled down got a good job and has started saving. However recently she has started meeting up with a friend who I know does coke and drinks a lot. And she has also started seeing a new guy who is also a drinker and takes coke. I am so fed up of it all. Sick to the back teeth of eveytime I approach the subject she makes out that I am going over the top. Telling me she doesn't do it much and doesn't take much and that everyone does it these days. She is driving me nuts when she drinks and takes cocaine she acts like a complete idiot. She's loud and swears becomes cocky and vile. She stays out all night comes home looking like she's been dragged through a hedge consumes mountains of pizza and junk and sleeps for an entire day. Even the 2nd day she is still not right and can't get out of bed. I have asked her to stop drinking as much and taking drugs. She tells me she will only have a few drinks and not take drugs and will be in at a certain time. Then I end up messaging her all night when she hasn't returned home when she said she would. I just dont understand why she can't go out and just have a few drinks and come home at a reasonable time instead of getting on it as they say these days. I am going round in circles and now I am beginning to loose my temper. I don't want to start shouting and threatening her with what I will do. I just want her to act like a responsible adult and stop taking the piss out of me and her dad and realise she needs to grow up and taking drugs and drinking is not what the majority of people do at weekends and to stop kidding herself. I just dont know how to approach this anymore I have tried being nice and having a calm discussion but she just doesn't listen. Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/01/2022 18:06

She is an adult. You can’t force her as hard as it is.

You can tell her she has to find somewhere else to live but you can’t force her to change her habits, she has to want to do it.

Umbella · 15/01/2022 18:10

You can’t make her stop, I’m afraid.

You can set the rules for what behaviour you accept in your home, and you can talk to her honestly about your concerns. How is she managing to go to work?

fiftyandfat · 15/01/2022 18:14

She is an addict. You will learn more about this by getting in touch with DrugFam and NarcAnon.
She has to want to detox. You cant do it for her.

FlibbertyGiblets · 15/01/2022 18:16

I am so sorry.
Your options are limited :
Accept a user lives in your household, with all that entails.
Give her notice to leave.

You can't help her and in fact by housing her you are enabling her using. I know it's harsh.

Good luck and best wishes.

Benjiblob · 18/01/2022 09:29

ThNkyou all for your kind messages and you are all right. She us an adult her dad had another chat with her the other night and basically laid it o the line that if she contines she will have to leave and in the mean time he will do random drug tests on her. She was shocked that her dad said all this. I think we should have said this from the start instead of trying to be understanding. It's just hard when you love your children because they are still your children even when they are adults and you can't help wanting to help them. She is not an addict as she doesn't do it all the time just when she goes out with a certain group of friends. I have asked about her new boyfriend and she said he is the same. So we will wait and see and I hope she realises this is the end of the road because even if I am soft her dad won't stand for it and will make her leave and I think she knows that. I will keep you all posted on the outcome of this. Once again thank you fir your support and help.Smile

OP posts:
drybird · 18/01/2022 09:39

Sadly she's not listening 😕 your house your rules, she's an adult after all.. take drugs and get smashed by all means but not in my home. Bags / door and the harsh reality might be the only answer. Where she find the money to facilitate this habit? She's certainly not saving!

cereallover · 18/01/2022 09:40

Ex addict here for cocaine and weed. Scare tactics might work. I had an eight day bender of non stop coke and weed. Ended up with dvt which was very close to being dismissed and me sent on my way despite my leg being twice the size as my other. I haven't touched drugs or smoked since. And this is coming up to 5 years.

Sadly you cannot help a junkie.

Shapiro · 18/01/2022 09:41

Very difficult foe you. My children are of a similar age and they don’t drink or take drugs thank goodness, nor do their friends so her telling you that everyone does it, is not true.

However, both of mine will listen to my sage wisdom when they ask me anything.

Unwanted advice is met with eye rolls.

As she lives in your house, I would not want her coming home in a state and would get her to move out so that her income is spent on living costs rather than drink and drugs.

inaninstant · 18/01/2022 09:57

She IS an addict. Doesn't matter if she doesn't do it every day. She can't say no in a certain set of situations (when with certain friends). She is a habitual drug user.

I had (well, still have) a friend when we were the same age as your daughter. A social user for ages. She ended up being a daily user, whilst still living at home with her parents, much like your daughter really. She still worked, functioned etc. But she was killing herself and behaving really horribly. I had little to do with her for a while I couldn't tolerate her bullshit.

She only stopped and cleaned up her act when her parents threw out her vile boyfriend (who was abusive) and told her she either went to rehab which they would pay for once and once only or got out too, permanently, with no further support from them. Luckily they had the funds for rehab and paid for her to go, and she went. She was gone for four months and she didn't see a soul in that time. She got clean, blocked the boyfriend entirely (and he ended up back in prison in the end, for a long time!) and paid off her debts. She moved back in with her parents when she got out and gradually rebuilt her life, with their support, on the condition that she stayed clean. They drug tested her regularly for years.

Ten years later, she's happily married with two children and her own business. She's a light, occasional drinker but that's it. She's been clean every since and she no longer behaves in the awful ways that she did when she was using.

It can be done, but she says now that she'd be dead if it wasn't for her parents and although she absolutely hated them at the time she's hugely grateful to them for stepping in and saying 'no more'.

Flipflopblowout · 18/01/2022 13:15

Your priority is responsible parenting. Her priority is drugs and drink. Learn to live with it or invite her to move out because your life styles are not compatible. She will return after she has hit the wall again.

ApolloandDaphne · 18/01/2022 13:17

I understand your concerns but she is an adult and can do as she pleases. However, you are well within your rights to tell her she can no longer live with you.

user313213521 · 18/01/2022 13:21

@fiftyandfat

She is an addict. You will learn more about this by getting in touch with DrugFam and NarcAnon. She has to want to detox. You cant do it for her.
I would be very, very, very wary of Narconon as they are basically a front for Scientology. Vulnerable people are always a good hunting ground for new cult members... en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narconon
3WildOnes · 18/01/2022 13:33

Probably about half of my friends take drugs recreationally at the weekends and we are in our early 30s. The ones that have had children probably only take drugs a few times a year now.
If it makes you uncomfortable to be around, which is perfectly valid, then ask her to move out.

PinkSyCo · 18/01/2022 15:20

She's loud and swears becomes cocky and vile.

Is she cocky, vile and swearing at you? If so I would chuck her out just for that.
How often is she out hitting the slopes? Is it impacting on her work life and/or her ability to save?
Does she pay any keep? Pull her weight around the house? Do her own washing, cooking etc? Because she’s never going to learn to be responsible if you’re doing everything for her.

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