Help needed - 9yo’s nightmares

[BabbleBee]

I’m desperate for help for 9yo DD.

Over the last couple of years she’s had intermittent nightmares, more than her older siblings have ever had but I haven’t been concerned up until now.

In the last couple of months it has escalated and she’s now waking most nights from nightmares. Last night she woke 3 times between 1am-ish and 5:45am. She’s exhausted and I’m getting tired too.

I can’t work out any triggers. Nothing significant has happened at home. She’s happy at school, her teacher is nice, has a good little friendship group, goes to after school clubs happily. She’s got worry dolls, isn’t on screens that much, has a good bedtime routine, eats well… I just don’t know what’s causing them!

Any ideas or tips on how to help her please?

Poor love. Does she remember them? Recurring theme? Is it sleep paralysis that is then scaring her further? Does she eat close to bedtime?

She remembers some but not all of them. The ones I recall are worm infested carpets that then change into some weird monster thing, me dying and being left without a mummy and zombie apocalypse type things. I don’t think there’s any sleep paralysis - she wakes up breathing fast and scared.

She usually eats around 5:30 / 6ish, rarely later and goes to bed by 8pm.

Chamomile tea is suitable for children and acts as a mild sedative which may promote restful sleep.

Whether they like the taste or not is a different matter!

Valerian in a small dose may also help but only do so under the advice of your GP.

I had probs with nightmares as a teen/young adult. I have a vivid imagination but for me in retrospect phases where they were really problematic was definitely a sign of unacknowledged depression/anxiety which I couldn't perceive or admit to easily. I would see GP but also book some kind of gentle/exploratory therapy privately if you can afford it. Probably it will clear up on its own but personally I'd be proactive in this situation. And sympathy -- we've had two with dreadful regular night terrors and it is very draining for everyone!

@Havilland I’ll try the tea - can’t stand the stuff myself

@kalidasa She definitely has a vivid imagination, that’s a certain! I am concerned about underlying anxiety. Outwardly she’s very confident, almost mischievous and has a twinkle in her eye but she’s also very attached to me and I think she’s hiding behind the confidence if that makes sense. My older DD had cancer 5 years ago and although my now 9yo doesn’t remember much of it I wonder if it’s linked somehow.

My DD had a recurring nightmare about a monster when she was 8. What worked for her (may not for everyone) was drawing a picture of the monster. Then she called it some rude names and tore up the picture - the nightmare didn’t bother her again! However your DD has more varied nightmares. I’d gently ask what the playground chat and games are - is someone else having a tough time or being allowed to watch scary stuff that they are then sharing?

Playground has been an issue in the past, some weird creature from YouTube was being used to scare but that’s not recent and doesn’t seem to be anything she can identify. The zombies made sense as that was the creative writing topic but not the others.

She loves art so I’ll definitely try the drawing the dreams out and getting rid of them. I’ll try anything at this point!

I suspect you're right to consider underlying anxiety. Young children do have to come to terms with ideas around death and separation and they're distressing and upsetting. Whilst she may not remember the details of what happened with her sibling it could well have affected her and be stored up somehow.
I think I would also chat with her about how she feels generally and if anything is bothering her. My DD particularly liked s good chat at bedtime and I think this helps her unwind and dump the thoughts for the day before sleeping.

I think I’ll take her out tomorrow and see if we can work it out with some time just the two of us. A long walk on the beach might reveal some inner worries!

@BabbleBee I'm sorry to hear about your elder DD, I hope she is well now. Funnily enough I also had a sibling who had cancer when I was a young child. She had a very close shave and was in and out of hospital/seriously ill for the best part of three years when I was 4-7 ish (and there was a lot of unspoken worry/expectation that she would relapse for a long time after that). The family culture I grew up in was very stiff upper lip/get on with it (and this wasn't the only thing not being talked about!) but this shaping experience was definitely a big factor in later depression for me. And memories which are not conscious can be particularly powerful of course: for instance, I have no conscious memory of my sister without hair, but until well unto my 20s if I unexpectedly saw a bald woman I would throw up! So there was obviously a very traumatic memory there somewhere. I think making some extra time to chat is a great idea. In fact, when I was about your daughter's age I worked out for myself that the anxieties/obtrusive thoughts I was having must be to do with that time (I used to listen to a psychologist doing a call in show on local radio!), but I still didn't tell anyone about them. With a bit more time/space/opportunities to chat I might have done.

@kalidasa thank you. Luckily she is well now, about to have oncology review but looks like there’s no return of the tumour and no long term effects (other than PTSD but that’s another story!)

Her diagnosis was very rapid and resulted in me suddenly having to be 2.5hr drive away in hospital with her which was a huge contrast from being a SAHM who did all pick ups, meals, bed times etc so I probably shouldn’t underestimate the impact of that on DD9.

Left field, but what about some osteopathy?

Something to help her feel like something is being done, it's very gentle and she could perhaps be given some gentle neck stretches tondo before bed that could help. (I say this because I suffer with tension in my neck and shoulders and I think there's is s connection between the tension and horrible dreams!).

I might be way off though.

I like the osteopathy idea @JuneOsborne thank you.

Last night we did a little ‘things that could be better or worrying me’ brainstorm, got it all on paper. She didn’t wake once 🤞🏼