DH irritates me

[sochicsocheap]

Pretty much everything my DH does has started really annoying me. I feel like a bad person for thinking it but thought offloading here might make me feel better.

It’s mainly little things but added up it feels like a big deal, coupled with the fact he has little patience and is usually glum/moody it’s very hard to be around now.

He does stuff like

• won’t empty the bin until you can’t stuff a single thing in there
• doesn’t do the washing up properly
• waits until dinner time to discover we have no plates or cutlery left and needs to put the dishwasher on (I cook and he dishes up so he should know the night before)
• says no to every little thing DD wants to do (this one is hard because I’m a bit similar and trying hard not to always say no but he takes it much further)
• asks me a million common sense questions a day as if I’m Google
• instead of tidying up he will pile shit up and then moan when I say that’s not tidying up
• take the baby out in cold weather and forget the blanket
• will dress DD in uniform too small for her instead of re-dressing her and getting rid of the small sizes

I feel like he is either being moody, telling me about his work or asking me a stupid question and my tolerance for it all is rapidly vanishing. I don’t know if I’m being a horrible person and this is all normal or not.

IME it won't get better .Sounds like the mind set of someone who is very lazy and not motivated to change .

Let's hope he has other positive characteristics to balance the negative ones .

No you are not a horrible person for being irritated by your lazy, moody and mean husband. In fact I think you’re a saint for putting up with him. Unless he has an excuse ( depression?) for his behaviour I would leave the useless bastard if I were you.

It could just be a matter of his mum doing everything at home and he flounders at having to do home stuff.

I’ve seen this a lot where sons of very capable and strong women seem to be utter drips at doing anything doe themselves.

The glum/moodiness comes from his frustrations of inadequacy and the impatience comes from him not really wanting to do any of these things, anyway.

They are unlikely to change so you either have to suck it up and carry the slack or you drop him for some other woman to pick up.

Oddly enough on their second relationship a switch is triggered and they make a better husband much to the despair of the first wife.

He claims he’s moody because I’m always ‘picking on him’ instead of being grateful that he’s trying/helping. I say if he did things properly I wouldn’t have to pick him up on it. And round it goes

He claims he’s moody because I’m always ‘picking on him’ instead of being grateful that he’s trying/helping.

Why should you be grateful for him doing his share…….badly?

@Havilland

It could just be a matter of his mum doing everything at home and he flounders at having to do home stuff.

I’ve seen this a lot where sons of very capable and strong women seem to be utter drips at doing anything doe themselves.

The glum/moodiness comes from his frustrations of inadequacy and the impatience comes from him not really wanting to do any of these things, anyway.

They are unlikely to change so you either have to suck it up and carry the slack or you drop him for some other woman to pick up.

Oddly enough on their second relationship a switch is triggered and they make a better husband much to the despair of the first wife.

You could be on to something here. His mum did EVERYTHING for him (actually she did everything for all of them) but he did more then his own father did so I didn’t realise he was so bad. I’m sure he washed the dishes properly when he lived at home 🧐

@sochicsocheap

He claims he’s moody because I’m always ‘picking on him’ instead of being grateful that he’s trying/helping. I say if he did things properly I wouldn’t have to pick him up on it. And round it goes

I had these. Obvious as it sounds, you need to sit down and talk about it

My OH used to piss me off so much with laziness and doing a crap job so I'd have to do it again

Do not not do it. This doesn't work and you'll end up doing it as he piles crap up everywhere

Sorry not the most helpful, but this isn't necessarily a LTB scenario, definitely can improve

Has he always been like this? Or is this a new thing?

@MrsPotatoHead22 you know what I can’t really remember but I’m sure I wouldn’t have married him if he was

Why is the go to for both of you to say NO to your DD? that sounds miserable.

The doing badly of menial household tasks stems from an unconscious, sometimes conscious deep resentment at having to do these tasks, especially as I have already mentioned they were raised with a mother who did everything around the home.

I have witnessEd men with powerful jobs who make important decisions and are incredibly successful at what they do, come home and stand like a lemon in front of a clothing pile that has to be put away.

If the wife has a day in bed through illness or has to go away for a day for whatever reason, the young child or children go to school dressed in odd socks, missing homework and a packed lunch full of crap.

The same man can go into work and organise fifty members of staff and close a million pound deal.

Men should come with a certificate supplied by their mother which is updated by each new partner if applicable that ticks off their ability to perform household tasks.

@OnaBegonia

Why is the go to for both of you to say NO to your DD? that sounds miserable.

I’m definitely not as bad as DH with this but I was raised by a violent father so I’m more conscious of it. I usually say no quickly followed by ‘actually we can do xyz’.

No idea why DH is like that as apparently his childhood was wonderful. He just doesn’t like mess/can’t be bothered/doesn’t care 🤷🏻‍♀️

In fact I think I’m creeping over in to saying yes too much to DD to counter DH

The problem you have is that it’s now the stage where you have put up with it for so long and are now chiding him about it and resenting him.

He counteracts that by seeing you not as the woman he married to and was attracted to, but labelling you as ‘the nag’.

He is quite put out that you don’t appreciate him and are constantly rinsing daily - that’s how he sees it in his eyes.

His answer is to do even less as some kind odd immature defiance towards you.

Sometimes they will cast their sights elsewhere to have a fling or an affair to ‘get one up’ on you and to have some fool give them the praise they think they deserve at home.

They will tell her how hard done by they are and paint you as being the Kracken.

There is also the added factor of him talking to his parents who instead of telling him to buck up will indulge his fantasy of being the perfect husband and they’ll tell him that they thought you were good enough for him.

There may even be the added extra of the ‘perfect’ daughter or daughter in law who has followed suit of the mother /mother in law and does everything at home whilst indulging her husbands laziness.

Try having a sit down non accusatory chat with him to resolve it but sadly ingrained behaviour is hard to change.

I understand what you're saying @Havilland ,habits are powerful things and I get the cycle you describe .

But to me the root of it is a lack of motivation/concern for their partner and the culture in which their children are being raised . An intelligent adult is surely capable of recognising and trying to overcome an upbringing where they did little to contribute to the running of the household .Why is it necessary for someone to sit them down and gently explain ?