My dad

[Kanfuzed123]

I miss my dad. He died in July, horribly. It was traumatic and he must have been terrified. I really thought he would pull through, so when he didn’t it was earth shattering. Sometimes I forget that he’s gone and then I remember and it’s like all that grief all over again, yet other times it feels like it was so long ago. I was 5 months pregnant. Covid took 18 months from us, I’d not seen him since dec 19 as he was vulnerable. I have no regrets as to how I was in his last moments. But I’d give anything to have our time over again and to call him and joke around with him again. Friends avoid me, grief makes them uncomfortable. No one to talk to, so I’m just posting here. I made it though by not thinking about it or him, the grief would have been too much but now no one wants to talk about him as a real person, it’s like he never existed.

No point to this post really just to anyone who’s lost someone they love.

to you too. I'm sorry for your loss.

I miss my dad too. He died this Summer as well. I didn't expect it to be so impactful - he had an ongoing illness, so his death wasn't a big surprise - but it is.

I've got a notebook where I write letters to him. It involves lots of crying and snot and tissues, but I think it does help me process the feelings.

I've also been recommended to find a place I can go to grieve that I associate with him - but I find the notebook way easier. But the place way may work better for you.

My work provide telephone counselling to employees, and that helped me a lot with a bout of anxiety I suffered a couple of months after his death. So I don't know what options you have, but maybe if you can find a way to get some grief counselling, it might be helpful.

I don't think there's much you can do to fix grief, apart from keeping on ploughing through it. It must be especially tough for you with a new baby - lots of change and upheaval - especially if you add the ongoing background stress of covid.

Sorry for your loss @BocolateChiscuits

That’s the same as my dad, long illness, cancer amongst other things and covid meant consultant appointments were cancelled. He was in and out of ITU so many times. But it’s always feels sudden.

My work offer 6 or so counselling sessions too but I didn’t take them I just couldn’t talk about it. ITU said they offer counselling but it’s 6 months later tbh I think I’ll never hear from them even if I chase it.

I suffered awful anxiety too after his death, someone would ask me how I was and I’d have a panic attack. I didn’t trust my own decision making, think because all of me believed he was going to get better that when he didn’t, I was didn’t trust myself about anything because I was so wrong about that. I didn’t realise how common it was.

He was cremated so he doesn’t have a headstone or plot or anything to visit. He lived abroad for nearly 20 years so there is no place that really feels like him. I think I’ll try the notebook, thank you for the suggestion! Xx

I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad

Your post brought tears to my eyes, I'm very close to my dad and dread the day, so I'm so sad it happened for you and was a shock. And sorry the people around you aren't being supportive through your grief. Please feel free to talk about him in this thread; I'm listening xx

I once read that when things are going round and round in your head it is good to get them out physically by talking them out or writing them out, so the letters idea is good. I sometimes feel I'll write my Dad a letter and just bury it in the garden. I know where his ashes are so that would also be a possible. I would just move a little earth and poke the letter in. You say that work offers counselling and you didn't take it but if a time comes when you would like to talk to a counsellor would you still be able to do it.? July is not long ago. See how you feel after a couple of years. I always tell myself that bereavement is a long , dark tunnel that you have to get through and most people do get through. Have you got a two-month old baby? People don't mean to be unkind. They don't know what to say and they are afraid of upsetting you or saying something that might cause tears. Bless you.

You will find grief comes in waves and little things will trigger it. ITU will contact you - my friend had this situation - but it took them 9 months.
Grief is natural and you need to go with it and gradually it will get better. You say you were pregnant when he died. Do you talk to your baby about their grandfather? My father died before my GC were born but they all know all about him and almost feel as if they knew him.

Thank you for your kind words!

The ITU was in technically a different country than me in the UK so I think I’ll fall out of area.

I have 2 children, one 2 and a bit and the other 6 weeks. My dad last saw my eldest when she was 3 months old. In fact one of his last lucid moments he was showing the nurse videos of her before he declined rapidly.

I know people don’t mean to be unkind and death makes people uncomfortable but it’s incredibly isolating and eye opening to witness people ignore you all of a sudden.

I don’t speak about my dad to anyone really. I think it’s denial still to talk about it makes it real. I couldn’t look at photos until incredibly recently and even now I skirt passed them as quickly as I can. I think I desperately don’t want it to be real. Time has just moved on but I’ve not processed it I don’t think. I stopped sleeping after he died. I’d wake up 5/6 + times a night. I’d have dreams about saving him or him pulling through or somehow coming back. I wasn’t able to keep food down for weeks after either- never knew that was a thing. I really want to talk to him again. I know it’s all crap but I was even considering a medium just to feel as if I’ve spoken to him

My dad died in November, your post is very relatable as my dad suffered and I watched it. I'm numb I haven't felt grief yet, not in the way I feel I should.

I'm going send hug now and write more tonight as I'm in a rush but wanted to say you're not alone.

Do you have any other family members who are also grieving for your father? You do need to talk about it, when you're ready. Is that 6 weeks of counselling from work still a possibility?

I know I've found talking with family and counselling both great helps.

I'm not happy to hear you suffered with anxiety triggered by grief too, but I'm relieved to hear that it's not just me. For me I think it was because he was such a stable, and secure person in my life - I suddenly felt quite vulnerable and uncomfortably adult and responsible when he died. It makes sense that the shock of it would've set you questioning yourself, and feeling insecure.

The dreams sound really difficult to bear. It's still such early days for you.

No @BocolateChiscuits I don’t really have any family to talk to about it. My mother is partly responsible for his death and acted abysmally when he was in ITU. She’d be sitting on her phone next to him in social media updating her status to get attention and when he friends would call, sitting next to him, she tell her friends how the drs were going to kill him on purpose and it was medical murder and death with dignity. He couldn’t really respond but he understood everything that was being said. He briefly turned a corner and asked me about this- can you imagine how terrifying that would be? Lying there unable to ask someone what’s happening and hearing how someone was going to kill you.
My brother is awful, lied to him to get money. Basically no one to talk to about it that I’m not exceptionally angry with. All of this shit I think makes it worse x

@Kanfuzed123

Sorry for your loss *@BocolateChiscuits*

That’s the same as my dad, long illness, cancer amongst other things and covid meant consultant appointments were cancelled. He was in and out of ITU so many times. But it’s always feels sudden.

My work offer 6 or so counselling sessions too but I didn’t take them I just couldn’t talk about it. ITU said they offer counselling but it’s 6 months later tbh I think I’ll never hear from them even if I chase it.

I suffered awful anxiety too after his death, someone would ask me how I was and I’d have a panic attack. I didn’t trust my own decision making, think because all of me believed he was going to get better that when he didn’t, I was didn’t trust myself about anything because I was so wrong about that. I didn’t realise how common it was.

He was cremated so he doesn’t have a headstone or plot or anything to visit. He lived abroad for nearly 20 years so there is no place that really feels like him. I think I’ll try the notebook, thank you for the suggestion! Xx

I’m sorry for your loss.

My work offers counselling too, and for bereavement they often say waiting six months or so when you are in a better position to process what has happened and work with the counsellor is better, so definitely try it again.

Sorry for your loss .

@Kanfuzed123 you're right, I bet all that shit is making it worse. If you had a more "normal" family you could support each other.

Are you still in a position where you feel unable to talk about it? No-one should do grief on their own. Could you ask your GP for help, or work?

If not, shot in the dark, but maybe there are some chat messaging type counselling services out there that might be suitable, and you could type instead of talk.