How do you make friends when you WFH FT and have small children?

[Onlyrainbows]

I'm part of a local mum's group and they've already told me there's no chance they'll do it! WFH can get lonely especially in a fairly rural county/region.

What won't they do?

How old are your DC? I found the easiest way to make friends was through my DC school, you just get chatting on the playground and it goes from there.

Meet after 6... My son is 2, he goes to nursery, I'm friendly with a couple of mums there, but it's very hit and miss and don't always see them .

I wouldn't push for week days meet ups with kids that age, most are asleep early, and week nights are busy getting dinner and getting everything turned around for the morning. Couldn't you do something on the weekend? Otherwise making friends for yourself and not 'mum friends' often is the way to go. Could you try a fitness class one evening or something like that? Any hobbies or interests?

Weekends I think are mostly seen as "family time" (I know I do!) I used to run with a running club, but with my new job, a toddler, and the doggie I barely have enough time to train to be at the level to be part of the club.

In the nicest way possible, do you actually have time to make new friends then? There are times in our lives which are good for making new connections and times which aren't, it sounds like you are very fully scheduled so if you don't want to use some of that weekend time there really isn't much you can do other than try and find friends who do want to do something on weeknights who will mainly be childless.

I'm joining a networking event later in the year, hopefully that will also yield some results!

Maybe you're right! But having missed the baby club years thanks to COVID, I wanted to make some of those friendships now that life is slowly going back to normal.

I realised myself that even though I say I want to make new friends I wasn't actually making any space for anyone new, so if I wanted that to change I needed to prioritise social opportunities over my comfort zone, extra work and routine. To add something new into your life you have to sacrifice something you already have. So instead of Saturday afternoons always being family time, you might have to spend them at the park, soft play or swimming and get to know the other parents there. In my area there is a park which the parents who work late go to, it is further away from my house but the park near us is empty from 5pm whereas the moment it is a bit lighter this other park has parents there until 7/8pm as they take their kids after work.

And is absolutely know how you feel! Covid really robbed me of a lot of that time with my youngest and I have felt the sting socially too as I was in a position to need to make new friends when the pandemic hit. It isn't easy. But I don't think there is a way of getting that back, really. There is only ways to move forwards now.

A networking event sounds great 😊
Do you take your little one to any activities?

This is me. Sadly I have never found the answer either. I had a few months off last year and started to make friends, but they always want to meet during the school day, understandably. So it's all petered out to a friendly wave on the school drop-off. Makes me sad. I have tried asking for part-time (4 days), no chance, so it's either accept loneliness or quit working.

In town I live there is a friendship group for people with not many friends or friends who are tied up in evenings and weekends. They meet up for coffee twice a week in day time and always have activity for weekends going on cinema, bowling, a meal out, a walk around lake. I know someone who has joined and does something with group most weekends and has made friendships through group she meets up with for coffee in the week. Do you have anything similar near to where you live? Join a rambling group or foodie group or book club if you enjoy reading. There is stuff you can do but you need to seek it out and make the effort to join. I made a brilliant friend from doing a cake decorating course.

No we don't yet.. although the other day I saw a toddler football club that looked nice.

I did park run, left ds with his dad for an hour. And joined a Sunday evening martial arts class which helped get my flexibility back as well.

I'm part of the "village" Facebook like app, but I haven't seen anyone advertising anything like that. Most of the arty clubs happen in a different town. I tried bumble BFF but not much happened!

Honestly my eldest is 4- in that time I’ve made 2 mum friends- chatted to lots but only gelled with 2. Met at nursery bday parties and had a few play dates- it took time and was a natural progression. Tbh most of my friends are from pre baby years- school/ previous work places. They don’t have children so are more able to meet.

Also have to say if someone couldn’t hang out on weekends due to “family time” I really wouldn’t bother with them.

It's much easier to make friendly contact with other Mums once school starts. I didn't really get to know anyone when DD was a baby.
Most toddler friendly activities are likely to be weekday too I would imagine.
Volunteering is another good way too. Maybe if your DC are interested in joining Rainbows or Cubs you could offer to help?

The mums group you belong to could well become life long friends. We ended up having family group meals out and camping for all the families for 12 years. It's dwindled a bit with covid but the Mums continued to have meals out on their own when children reached 16. I still have one main friend from the group and the others I see socially about 2/3 times a year.

I do have a friend I met at school and another I met at work, but my main five friends were parents of children in my DD's class. 17 years later, it's rare someone doesn't message on whatsapp. We often do coffee together (late afternoon though when everyone is free after work), shopping trips and tonight we're braving the theatre. I also see some individually for walks, coffee and do an exercise class with one.

I think the key is keeping in touch, not just because you're planning to meet, but even a message asking how they are, what happened at an event they went to etc.

There are lots more ways to make friends than with other mums (mum's groups are tediously boring!!). Yes, after 6 is too late for meeting up with small children. You could ask to meet up on a weekend morning (even better, leave the toddlers at home and have an adult brunch) or an evening for dinner (also without dc).

But what about other friends? Work colleagues (I wfh too but still meet up with colleagues sometimes), friends from activities you enjoy that don't involve children, friends from pre-children. Meeting other mums when your dc starts school tends to be easier, but honestly, I still find them really boring. We don't have much in common other than children of the same age.

@mindutopia I'm actually with you there that some are quite boring (but not all are!) My colleagues are spread everywhere in the UK (HQ is in Liverpool and I'm West Country). I've always worked from home even before COVID. It's true it's easier to make friends when they actually go to school, but given my new job schedule I'd never be able to the school run.

Also, I can't really grasp people for whom all weekend can only be 'family time'. Dh and I work full-time, are busy with dc, working evenings after they go to bed. The only time we do get together as a family is on the weekends really. It wouldn't stop me from meeting up with people at the playground (dh can come too if he wants or stays home to do some DIY or clean the house) or meeting a friend for lunch or going to do a hobby I enjoy. Not all day every weekend, no. But I could swing a couple hours once a month.

I'd totally be happy to go out for drinks, bottomless brunches are one of my favourite weekend activities :)

On the same FB post someone suggested I should pretend I'm in a meeting and go out to meet other mums :/

Making friends is always a bit hit and miss, though, and the people you meet through dc won’t necessarily be friends.

I was a sahm for a bit and at that time knew everybody from the playgrounds, the baby groups, the endless pram walks… but they were acquaintances, not friends.

Where friendships did blossom, it was actually pretty unexpected and the keepers were not the ones I would have predicted. That’s the nature of friendship, though.

Perhaps lower your expectations, chat away to people (everyone, don’t be picky) at the weekends and then see what comes of it.

Find people who don't insist on weekends being 'family time'.

I'm perfectly happy to meet up with friends on weekends (either with or without my DC). I find weekend mornings quite convenient as then DH will usually come pick me up afterwards from wherever we are and we can go out as a family afterwards.

I've made friends through hobbies and also with other parents through kids clubs at the weekend (my DS does a mini athletics club). Also just hanging around at the playground.

Key thing is not to be shy. If you find someone you get on with, ask if they'd like to swap numbers and meet up again. There's no point clicking with someone and having a great time if you've got no way of contacting them again. Groups where you meet the same people every week can take some of the awkwardness out of this.