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Original poster

Why do people ask you to meet up then ignore you?

25 replies

WhiteJellycat · 13/01/2022 09:28

Ok I get when it's a old acquaintance and you bump into them unexpectedly it's normal to say 'we must catch up sometime' when they have no desire to so. That's weird in itself.

But a school run mum befriended me via WhatsApp over my dd being reluctant to go into school. Offering me support. Said we should meet up etc. When she said let's go for a drink I replied that would be lovely, she never replied to any other message. All on the same night. I said on further occasions j was free if she still wanted to chat. When I see her at school we say hello but it's like we never talked on WhatsApp.

Its bizarre. Why? I dont understand people.

OP posts:

NutCheeseBag · 13/01/2022 09:35

Me neither. A friend I used to work with I see in her workplace every few months. Without fail she says let’s meet up, yet whenever I suggest a date she’s busy or not sure and will have to check and get back to me. It’s her who keeps suggesting meet ups, but then nothing. Why?

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 13/01/2022 09:41

There's a word in Farsi (taraf) that loosly means telling someone something they want to hear, but not meaning it. I think people just say these things because it sounds nice, but they have no intention of following through.

Original poster

WhiteJellycat · 13/01/2022 16:22

I get that saying it to be polite is a thing. But seeking someone out uninvited to do it is really baffling. It's not like unexpectedly bumping into someone and saying let's meet up for a proper chat one. They went of their way to contact me.

OP posts:

BarrowInFurnessRailwayStation · 13/01/2022 16:41

Perhaps they do intend to then, but something is stopping them. Are they very busy or have a lot on their plate?

Havilland · 13/01/2022 16:45

The most likely scenario in your case would be her child saying something about your child after she mentioned that she was going to meet so and so’s mum.

That’s not to say your child had done anything wrong but children are fickle with their relationships.

FidoRido · 13/01/2022 16:49

I think the most likely scenario is actually that she would like to but is quite busy!

It’s not always easy or straightforward to pick a date to meet up and sometimes when someone is really busy they don’t have the time or headspace to think about “oh, I told X we should meet up, I really ought to plan that!”. I find - for me - those things just rollover from one day to the next.

Sounds like the mum wanted to lend a hand of friendship/support but hasn’t quite followed up in the way you expected. Have you tried sending her a specific invite for a particular day?

I’m sure it’s not intentional and I’m sure it’s nothing against your DD either!

Borracha · 13/01/2022 16:57

I have an acquaintance like this (also a school mum) It’s so predictable that I have stopped ever believing that we will ever meet up although we chat loads over WhatsApp and when we bump into each other at school, in the supermarket etc we chat like old friends!

But messages often go like this:

Her: let’s catch up for coffee this week after drop off
Me: great, Thursday?
Her: perfect!

And then on Wednesday night…

Me: starbucks work for you tomorrow?
Her: I might have to be home straight after the school run to let some workmen in… let me check with DH - I’ll get back to you in a min

And then I never hear back from her!

Original poster

WhiteJellycat · 13/01/2022 17:39

Yes maybe she is busy. I didnt chase up with a suggested day. I just said at the time it would be lovely and that's where the conversation stopped. Then two more attempts on WhatsApp to start the conversation again which have been read and ignored. A friend said today I should just ask her when I see her, but I'm presuming its low on her radar if she read the message and didnt reply.

Not sure why this has bugged me so much either.

It wasnt a play date type of invite. My dd was starting to school refuse and the mum was reaching out to me about that.

It bugs me when people read messages and dont reply. I think that's more about me than them. It's a bit of pain but I think maybe the socail norm is to think 'let's meet up some time rarely means the person wants to meet up.

If I want to meet a friend I ask outright but I only ask to meet or catch up when I genuinely mean it. Maybe I'm the weirdo? I feel like I have been beamed down some days. I just dont get these socail oddities.

OP posts:

FidoRido · 13/01/2022 19:07

I don’t think there is one particular social norm, and it’s not about whether you’re (or the other person) is a “weirdo” for having one preference or another. Everyone’s different and also sometimes different at different points depending on what’s going on in their life that day/week/month.

Try not to let it bug you. Would it help if you focussed on her intentional kindness in reaching out when your DD was starting to refuse to go to school, and the fact that she obviously would like to be friends, and then chalk the rest up to it being a busy time or something. Arranging a meet up with you might not be her top priority right now but perhaps not for anything personally relating to you.

I often think how much nicer my life would be if it were possible for me to prioritise nurturing new friendships! But with work, caring responsibilities, life admin, trying to keep old friendships going AND childcare, it’s really hard.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 13/01/2022 20:25

I think you can like someone very much but find it difficult to make time for a new friendship.
Last year, I met another mum at an activity I go to. We got on really well but only ever spoke at the activity. Before Christmas she said she wasn't going to go anymore and we swapped numbers and said we should definitely stay in touch and meet up after Christmas. We haven't been in touch since. I'm sure, if we met up we would have a fab time and start a potentially good friendship. We are very much on the same wavelength. But the reality is that I wouldn't be able to meet during the week and the weekends are often busy as is. I already struggle to catch up with long standing friends. If I bumped into her, I'd be delighted and I'm sure we would both promise each other to arrange a meet up and mean (!) it but then back in the treadmill of life not actually do anything about it.

DDMAC · 13/01/2022 20:46

@WhiteJellycat

Ok I get when it's a old acquaintance and you bump into them unexpectedly it's normal to say 'we must catch up sometime' when they have no desire to so. That's weird in itself.

Its bizarre. Why? I dont understand people.

I think she texted you out of nosiness. She got the information she wanted from you so that was that. But I’m very cynical.

Original poster

WhiteJellycat · 13/01/2022 21:34

@DDMAC tbh this was my first thought at the time... cynical I know we was messaging back and fourth quite a bit of chat one evening. Never done it before and never since

OP posts:

DDMAC · 13/01/2022 23:37

[quote WhiteJellycat]@DDMAC tbh this was my first thought at the time... cynical I know we was messaging back and fourth quite a bit of chat one evening. Never done it before and never since[/quote]
People round where I live are very like that (small village), it’s happened a few times to me, I’ve just stopped trying to engage anymore with school mums, the experience put me off. One or two, I’m on hi how are you, superficial terms but that’s about it unfortunately.

TheFoundation · 14/01/2022 00:04

People are weird. People don't stick to their plans. People have intentions they don't follow through with. People try to be supportive when they don't really have time.

You have to remember that although she thought of you, you're not her main priority. Something else will have come up. There's nothing odd about it; you probably intended to do a few things lately that you didn't do either.

JanuaryBluehoo · 14/01/2022 00:39

I've had a this about three times. Once was with a neighbour, she was so incredibly pushy and gushing about our dd meeting up, so eventually I asked her dd over and we didn't hear anything. But myself dd had got all excited... Why would anyone do that to a child?

Then a distant relative did the same thing, absolutely gushing over me, how she remembered our house, spoke highly of dm, said our dc must meet up.

This didn't come from me but I was certainly receptive and enthusiastic. Again its the dc getting dragged in and thus person lived aboard so I thought, how exciting for dc.

Not a bloody sausage.

It is so strange.

TheFoundation · 14/01/2022 00:42

Is it strange though? Haven't you ever intended to do a thing and then not done it? It's a standard, every day occurrence. It only feels odd when you're receiving it, rather than it being the library book that never gets taken back, or the recipe that never gets cooked.

Our mistake is in thinking that we are so important.

Kljnmw3459 · 14/01/2022 00:42

Worse even is when someone suggests meeting up, suggests dates and times and then cancels everytime. Why suggest to meet up in the first place? I don't understand.

loloballlolo · 14/01/2022 00:44

people are flakey, unfortunately. annoying....

SuckIt · 14/01/2022 03:54

I can be bad for this. I always mean it, I really do want to meet up. Unfortunately I know that my life is so busy with work and trying to keep my head above water that in reality I know I don’t have the energy to expend in that area.

FearlessSwiftie · 14/01/2022 12:31

Tbh I also think it was more of a common courtesy thing even though really strange at this point. Might be that she's busy, too, or decided that meeting up was not a priority. Anyways, not a nice thing to do but it's not like she's going to send you a smartshow 3d video card with apologies or come around with an intention to actually meet up. Just forget it, I guess?

Hemingwayzcatz · 14/01/2022 13:43

They do it to seem polite but never actually intend on actually meeting up for a drink. It’s very, very common and very, very annoying.

Bouncer500 · 14/01/2022 13:46

She's rude. I would not bother again.

MyQuietPlace · 14/01/2022 14:25

I've got a friend (known her 15 years, used to work together) and we text each other every couple of days. I sometimes ask if she fancies meeting and she'll come up with some lame excuse not to, or she'll say yes then cancel on the day. When she asks me to meet, it's usually when her husband is working away and she's on her own. If his shift changes, she drops plans to see me. It pisses me off

IcyWinterWonderland · 14/01/2022 19:13

I have had people do that to me. In my case, they were just stringing me along by saying "We will have to go out sometime". They kept the plans very vague. They were just keeping me there as an option by suggesting these things and then leaving me on a back burner while they went out with other people. Not saying this is the same for you, but it is what was happening in my case.

bethan1994 · 17/08/2025 20:19

I have a friend/stroke acquaintance who recently invited us to tea during the holidays. It was a specific invite but I think she has completely forgotten. I was really looking forward to the social occasion as our social life is minimal. I don't want to be annoyed with her but I am. She has done this sort of thing before. She is a lovely person and I don't think she means to be insincere but I'm a bit fed up with it

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