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Feeling a bit blue and teary today - I need a nice story or silly joke…

60 replies

KittenKong · 13/01/2022 08:27

It’s all getting a bit much now. I was just reading some info about the disease my sister has (terminal) and it sucks. She is on the other side of the world.

Could so with a smile… any takers?

OP posts:
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iklboo · 13/01/2022 12:11

Two sausages in a pan. One says 'It's hot in here isn't it?' The other says 'Aarrgg! A talking sausage!'

Two cows in a field. One says 'Moooo'. The other says 'Aww, I was just going to say that!'

What's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's favourite sandwich spread? Donutella.

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 13/01/2022 13:06

What's invisible and smells of bananas?
Monkey burps..
Ds7's favourite joke.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:29

An elderly gentleman was sitting on a park bench when he was approached by a gaunt figure in a long black cloak with a black hood, carrying a scythe.
"Who are you?" asked the old guy.
"I am death. HE SHOUTED "WHO ARE YOU"

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Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:37

I told my Doctor this morning that I keep dreaming I’m a Bell.
All he did was tell me to give it another couple of weeks and if things were no better I should give him a ring !

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:37

I love that TV program where they push vampires over cliffs - Countdown.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:38

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my Dads old shotgun.

Peter Jones said "And what's your idea?"

I replied "It's a simple concept Peter, just put the money in the bag !!

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2022 17:38

I went to the zoo yesterday but there was just one small fluffy dog there.
It was a shitzu

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2022 17:39

@Havilland

An elderly gentleman was sitting on a park bench when he was approached by a gaunt figure in a long black cloak with a black hood, carrying a scythe. "Who are you?" asked the old guy. "I am death. HE SHOUTED "WHO ARE YOU"
I don’t get it
Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:40

When I went to hospital I had to wait 20 minutes for anybody to see me, and then all they did was asked me if I wanted a cup of Earl Grey, Darjeeling or Lapsang Souchon. I thought I would - while I waited, but when it took another 20 minutes to appear- I realised I was in the casual tea department.

iklboo · 13/01/2022 17:40

@Hoppinggreen

'I'm Death'

The old man shouted WHO ARE YOU? (Thinking Death had said deaf)

Hoppinggreen · 13/01/2022 17:41

Oh God I get it now
Sorry and thank you

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:41

Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a hospital. As always, he was looking for something to beat the NHS with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.

Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said, "I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll?"

"Good question", noted the ward manager, "we save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible."

"Oh" he said somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went in his tour to the next ward.

"What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?"

"Ah, yes", replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her, "we ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs".

Hancock was determined to fluster the ward manager. So on they went to the next ward. "Well, what do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here too we do not like wasting", said the manager.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this exact time, they send us a complete prick". 🤣

Feeling a bit blue and teary today - I need a nice story or silly joke…
UniformSchmooniform · 13/01/2022 17:42

The dog who steals is owner's dentures is my favourite pick me up!

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:42

I was once in a band called “The Heaters”… we were a warm-up act.

Then I joined “The Blankets”… we were a cover act.

After that, I started “Cats Eyes”… we played middle of the road stuff.

Now I’m in a group called “Missing Cat”… you may have seen our posters!

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:43

I went to the doctors yesterday , he said “ I want to talk about your weight “ .

I replied “ I should think so I’ve been here 45 minutes “.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:44

I went to the cinema last night. A man sat near me had his dog with him. The dog seemed really engrossed in the film. When the film ended I said to the owner; "This might sound weird, but your dog seemed to really enjoy that". He replied; "Yes, I was surprised too, he hated the book."

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:46

I'm on that new "Elvis Diet", return to slender.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:47

I spent 25 minutes waving to an old woman this morning.
Then I realised she was cleaning her windows.

PhoboPhobia · 13/01/2022 17:47

Do sprinters eat before a race?

No, they fast!

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:48

The therapist say I can get over my fear of buffets, but first I've got to want to help myself!!

PhoboPhobia · 13/01/2022 17:49

And if my home was too crap, here is my cute dog 🐶

Feeling a bit blue and teary today - I need a nice story or silly joke…
PhoboPhobia · 13/01/2022 17:49

*joke

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:50

Butterflies ...stand out in the crowd by getting a tattoo of an unemployed fat woman on your arse.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 17:51

I asked the shop assistant; "Can I pay by card?"
"Yes of course" they said. "What card do you have?"
"The ace of spades" I replied.

Talith · 13/01/2022 17:51

What did the selfish cow say?

"Meee! Meee!"

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