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Original poster

found husbands hidden debt

19 replies

Roadsweeper · 13/01/2022 08:09

A few days ago I was going through our joint bank account to see where we are with our bills & noticed a few more payments than usual. We only have the joint account & I don't take full control of the household accounts as I have my own business & l'm busy enough with that.
Anyway 4 years ago my husband built up a load of debt & secretly took out a loan, then a year later another for a total of about 15K for the both. I was so annoyed & I've just discovered more! with a total of nearly 19K (inc the last lot). I confronted him with it & he hardly says a word. this is quite typical of him not taking about things & I've had enough of it.
i cant afford for him to be kicked out & find somewhere else to live as we rent our house & high rent in the area. I thought that if we spilt all the household bills between us 50/50 & I deposit my share monthly into it & take turns with the house hold shopping etc this may work? im fed up with bailing him out & the lies. We get on well with no huge arguments but haven't had sex in about 5 years & l have no intention to with him as i don't want to with him. Am l mad thinking of doing this or just kick him out & struggle with paying the bills?
We have 2 older kids still in school & one at college who we are paying for the petrol cost & running of his car that he paid for himself. I know he isn't having an affair as he isn't very good at hiding things.

OP posts:

girlmom21 · 13/01/2022 08:11

What's the money for? What's he spent it on?

You need to stop paying your child's car expenses if you can't afford it.

toomuchlaundry · 13/01/2022 08:11

He’s good at hiding loans. What does he spend money on?

user1471462428 · 13/01/2022 08:14

What has he spent the money on? If it is the cost of living then you both need help.
But if it’s him alone then he needs to sort it. Either way contact step change or Christian against poverty for some advice.

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Debt Relationship problems

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 13/01/2022 08:15

I'm really sorry to hear this OP. I know how heartbreaking it is as I also found my DH's secret debt twice. The betrayal and the destruction of trust as well as the worry about the security of the family is so so horrible.

We did have an otherwise very happy marriage however so I stayed on the agreement that he would attend Debtors Anonymous and would be completely open going forward. I now check his credit report whenever I want and have access to all accounts. To be fair to DH since I found out for the second time he has sorted himself out and worked incredibly hard to be promoted several times and we are now very comfortable financially. I will never 100% trust however and will always check his credit report every so often.

It sounds however as though you don't have a happy marriage anyway? If so I think you do need to think hard about what you want to do. For me it was straightforward to stand by him but I can see that it isn't as simple for you. Can you work out a test budget, looking at how much you might get in benefits etc?

TheHoptimist · 13/01/2022 08:19

What has the money gone on?
Do you both work full time?

If it is rent and living expenses for example whilst you have young child that is very different from watches and cocktail bars?

Have you had an honest conversation about the affordability of your joint lifestyle as opposed to income? I know many couples who have carried on spending an pre child levels and simply not been able to afford it or husband/wife who have simply not been able to have the conversation with their partners that they need to stop spending and even the monthly takeaway isn't affordable at the moment.

Is a 50/50 split enough to pay the bills? (all the bills with ideally 10% at least surplus each month to build up a reserve?)

Do you end up with the same amount of 'private' money after the 50/50 split?

Do the children go to him for extra cash not you?

Money is complex in most households.

TheHoptimist · 13/01/2022 08:20

£19k over 5 or 6 years is £50 a week- buying a family takeaway for example. Less if he is paying lots of interest.

Havilland · 13/01/2022 10:09

No sex is different to no affection.

Vasectomyreversalhopeful · 13/01/2022 10:27

True Havilland but the mention of him not talking about things and having enough of it and being fed up with the lies and the fact that the OP has no intention of trying to improve their sex life does not scream affection to me. I may be very wrong however!

Sausagis · 13/01/2022 10:38

You say you cant afford for him to be kicked out, but while you are married you are jointly liable for his debt. Would he agree to divorce, but continue living together? Hardly ideal but you would be securing yourself financially.

Original poster

Roadsweeper · 13/01/2022 11:05

After working out the expenses, turns out I will be much better off & can even comfortably stay in the house on my own. However he will stay here to share expenses, pay his debts easier & there will be not that much change for the kids.
he still hasn't opened up about what he was spending the money on but I am always complaining that he say's "oh it was just..........however much" his & my "just" are 2 different things.
My older child was working v hard & bought himself a car & also a good amount on top to see him through college for a bit, but now that's gone & were paying until he gets another job. thats harder than we all thought as we are quite rural out of tourist season, but he's working on it & sending off CV's. I'm happy that he's trying.
The trust has gone after doing this to me again & he makes no effort to change.

OP posts:

FunkyPhantom · 13/01/2022 11:17

It is an easy trap to fall into, I'm sure many have done the same in the past. If you're not very good with money and just pop into the bank when you're struggling, they'll always suggest some sort of consolidation loan ( if they can see you could manage it ) and it's a nice safety net.

Then, when you struggle again......the safety net reappears and the loan increases.

It's obviously not an ideal situation but it will have to stop sometime, or the debt/loanbecomes unmanageable.

It's obviously come into the open now, and it's not a topic most will talk about.

billyt · 13/01/2022 12:46

@Sausagis

Are you sure this is correct?

Unless he has (fraudulently) obtained the loan in the Ops name as well then the debt is his and his alone.

BarbaraofSeville · 13/01/2022 13:02

You're only jointly liable for debt if it's a joint account, eg joint current account or mortgage.

Joint unsecured loans are rare if none existent, and there's no such thing as a joint credit card in the UK (only the main account holder is liable for spending and repayment) so if that's what his debt is for, there is no requirement for the OP to repay.

Crinkle77 · 13/01/2022 13:41

@Sausagis

You're not jointly liable for debt if married. It depends if the debt was taken out in joint names.or individually.

MrsPotatoHead22 · 13/01/2022 13:58

Sounds like you emotionally left the marriage 5 years ago.

FindingMeno · 13/01/2022 14:19

If he won't talk, I would separate out finances.
Make sure you are responsible for the stuff that would impact on you if not paid, though, if you can.
And start trying to find options for a split.
You are not liable for his debt.

thereisonlyoneofme · 13/01/2022 14:51

My OH did this to me, three different times he swore that he had no debt and three times I found him out. I arranged to pay one debt the others we had to remortgage the house. I never trusted him after that
and it killed our marriage. Think hard about what you are going to do.
IMHO he wont change

TonkinLenkicks · 13/01/2022 14:56

You haven’t had sex for 5 years
He’s in hidden debt of 19k
He’s SPENT 19k behind your back

I’d say the relationship is dead and you actually need to start making plans. In the nicest possible way, that’s no way to live.

Gerwurtztraminer · 13/01/2022 19:53

Sorry to hear that OP, it's a huge amount of money and such a betrayal when it is kept secret for years.

You might want to go onto the Money Saving Expert website and the Debt Free Diaries forum. Full of people trying to repay debt and many are in a similar situation to you, trying to cope with the fallout of a partner's debt. The forum is really kind, with great helpful advice from people dong it or who have done it and so supportive. Some people have paid off astonishing amounts of debt.

Many relationships do not recover from this but some do if both want to work at it (sounds maybe like your partner doesn't though, unfortunately).

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