DS giving impression she is seriously ill (and isnt)

[WantonRadish]

Name changed.

My sister has a blood condition that doesnt affect her day to day. She is fit and well, but she takes a pill every day and technically it is referred to as oral chemotherapy. It is not life limiting.

She has quarterly check ups at hospital. They take blood, she gets results immediately, never had issues.

This is my problem - she refers to the condition as cancer, posts on social media about her chemo, references her condition in most conversations, talks about how vulnerable she is.

I'm finding it very distasteful and am losing any respect for her. I have friend and family who have had cancer, they've went through gruelling chemo, they've spent nights wondering how many months they had left, their lives were turned upside down.

I feel like my sister is seeking attention. She is presenting herself as a cancer victim. She is very selective about what she shares, always designed for maximum drama.

I've had 6 years of it. I was sympathetic at first but now it's become like her hobby and I'm sickened by it. If think if I voiced my opinion that would be the end of our relationship, and I dont want that.

Am I being awful? Has anyone experienced this?

@WantonRadish

I'd rather not name the condition as it might be too identifying and lead to a fall out.

I do take the point that it's not nice to have any condition. But I'm pleased it's a condition that doesnt really affect her or stop her living a full life with normal life expectancy. I think she should appreciate that too, rather than going to great lengths to present herself as a sick person.

Unfortunately, that also means that you could potentially be dismissing something that absolutely isn't a trifling issue and could easily be a type of cancer.

As she's being prescribed something that you've described as low dose chemotherapy, she's got something that isn't inconsequential. And I think that you should appreciate that, rather than seek to diminish her experiences and the impact of her medication.

Have you ever used chemotherapy in the pill form or the iv form? It’s absolutely awful stuff and makes you so ill. Most blood disorders are horrific. Mine for example wouldn’t be classed as cancer but it is equivalent to stage 3 cancer and therefore treated like it. Unless you Have it then I suggest you mind your own business.

I have a blood condition that means I'm neutropenic. If I say that, people are
If I say "my immune system is like I'm on chemo" then they get it

Outwardly I look fine, but I'm high risk for sepsis, have to take antibiotics straight away for stuff including any dental work, and my medication side effects are fucking grim
But I do my injections on a Friday night so people don't see that I spend the weekend in bed shivering and mainlining painkillers!

@WantonRadish

I'd rather not name the condition as it might be too identifying and lead to a fall out.

I do take the point that it's not nice to have any condition. But I'm pleased it's a condition that doesnt really affect her or stop her living a full life with normal life expectancy. I think she should appreciate that too, rather than going to great lengths to present herself as a sick person.

You are coming across as extremely unsympathetic

I had methotrexate and it made me feel really ill! And I had to be careful about my diet and double flushing the loo etc when on it.

They don’t tend to treat illness with that type of medication for an illness that wouldn’t other wise have significant ill effects as the medication has all sorts of side effects.
My illness makes me much more prone to bowel cancer. My medication significantly increases my risk of skin cancer and liver damage. I can only stay on it for maximum 10 years due to the increased cancer risks but my condition is life long so then I need to move to a different probably even worse / stronger medication.
From the outside, I also ‘pop some pills’ each night and have a blood test every three months. I can assure you behind the scenes it’s not like that.

While people ITT are rushing to take the sister's side, there is a long history of people faking cancer and exaggerating other, milder conditions by claiming or implying it is cancer. This can cause absolute devastation, both to individuals and within support groups. While, yes, of course support is important, it's also critical to maintain a cautious attitude to what people present online. OP is not necessarily wrong, and shouting her down is really quite unhelpful.

I think a few of you are projecting your own experience with illness here. She is healthier than me, we holiday together and see each other weekly, there's no hidden pain or hardship that I'm blind to. She has a diagnosis and has embraced it, she posts very misleading things that hint at chemo treatment that prompt people to contact me to check how she is doing - theres a world between taking a pill at teatime and undergoing years of chemo stages in hospital. Theres something very unpalatable about wanting people to think you are more unwell than you actually are. This is what is troubling me.

Well, I mean, even cancer itself is on a ‘scale’. One of my friends had testicular cancer, which while utterly horrible involved some surgery, no chemo, and a full recovery. Compared to my aunt who is stage IV with various secondaries (bone, lymph nodes), yes it’s ‘same’ but it’s not the ‘same’.

I don’t have any knowledge about your sisters condition but it sounds from PPs to be pretty crappy even if it doesn’t ‘qualify’ as cancer proper. So I’d let her wallow a bit if she likes, if people think she’s amping it up their sympathy will naturally level out anyway. And I say that as someone who has had two people close to her fake a terminal cancer diagnosis (it’s terrifyingly common, something I only found out after it happened in my life the second time).

Basically, give sympathy or don’t, that’s your call, but it’s not for you to determine how she gets to behave.

You’re making assumptions about and being rude about other posters.

Cancers: wide range of illnesses and treatments. The fact that some people have gruelling surgeries plus ‘full on chemo’ doesn’t mean your sister’s experience is ‘a pill at teatime’.

A chronic blood condition that requires hardcore drugs doesn’t sound like a picnic!

If you dislike her for whatever reason, fair enough, just have less contact with her!

@WantonRadish

I'd rather not name the condition as it might be too identifying and lead to a fall out.

I do take the point that it's not nice to have any condition. But I'm pleased it's a condition that doesnt really affect her or stop her living a full life with normal life expectancy. I think she should appreciate that too, rather than going to great lengths to present herself as a sick person.

She has to take medication, that has current or potential side effects, and every 3 months she has to get test results. Any one of those results may be the bad news that she has been lucky enough NOT to get for the last six years.

While I sympathise with you finding it a bit endless, I imagine it's a massive factor in her life and that she's living with constant stress and/or physical issues.

I would be interested to see what people think of this too, if anyone wants to take the question at face value.

I too am very close to a person that has been presenting themselves as unwell. A very similar situation but I see it up close and personal. The instant switch to victim mode, the extra-slow and frail walking past people’s houses hoping they’ll come out to ask for an update and express sympathy.. Strategically worded FB posts.

It’s like they feed off the “sympathy” part of attention, specifically.

When they are in a situation that genuinely deserves sympathy, I can’t give it to them. Because I resent how much they pulled from me before I “caught on”. And then I seem cold-hearted. It’s an issue. I wish I could roll my eyes and accept it’s the way they are.

No projection here, just telling you my experience. I too take my medication at tea time (as needs to be taken same time every day). Does that make me a faker as well? When is an appropriate time to take it?

If your sister is indeed catfishing with her illness, then have a word with her about it, maybe she doesn't realise she's doing it. Unless there is another huge story about how she's done it all your life growing up, trying to be the centre of attention all the time?

think a few of you are projecting your own experience with illness here. She is healthier than me
So you also have a long term health condition and are on chemo drugs that are worse than what she's on given you are 'healthier than her' I'd expect a bit of sympathy for her.

If its lupus and methotrexate and you haven't got this, and haven't been medicated for it, I really don't think you know what you are complaining about.

And given your scorn and dislike of her, why are you holidaying with her and meeting up weekly?
Unless I've missed the memo we people with auto immune conditions can't go on holiday?

@FabriqueBelgique It's very disturbing behaviour, isn't it? Unfortunately there's been an explosion of it online which has really affected all the old forums, support groups, etc. I can't recommend Marc Feldman (a doctor who works with extreme cases of this) highly enough - even if reading one of his books seems like a bit of a commitment, it's worth having a Google as he's quoted in lots of articles that discuss factitious behaviour.

@WantonRadish

I think a few of you are projecting your own experience with illness here. She is healthier than me, we holiday together and see each other weekly, there's no hidden pain or hardship that I'm blind to. She has a diagnosis and has embraced it, she posts very misleading things that hint at chemo treatment that prompt people to contact me to check how she is doing - theres a world between taking a pill at teatime and undergoing years of chemo stages in hospital. Theres something very unpalatable about wanting people to think you are more unwell than you actually are. This is what is troubling me.

Nope. You're projecting your need to dismiss a condition for which she is prescribed a medication that has the potential to kill her. Hence the three monthly blood tests. At present, she has a good response to that medication, but at any point, it could literally cause her to lose her life due to its effects upon her immune system and organs. You think they prescribe that for shits and giggles? They prescribe it because the risk of serious side effects is outweighed by the risk of the consequences of her diagnosed condition if left untreated.

That's what's unpalatable here. Your reaction.

Obviously I don’t know what her condition is because you don’t say but some haematological disorders, for which you take chemo tablets and have no or few symptoms, are a type of chronic cancer and can go on to become acute. How much do you understand about her diagnosis?

Is it Essential Thromocythemia?

As far as I can tell, the effect on you is that you have to put up with her talking about her condition and friends contact you for updates. Is her illness or behaviour affecting you in any other way? If you don't like talking about her illness etc then why not just tell her that you find it difficult to keep hearing about it and change the subject? If she can't or won't keep going in about it, limit them time you spend with her so that it doesn't wind you up so much. And you don't have to talk with other people about her health if you don't want to. Just say "I think it's best if you ask her for an update" or something similar and stop getting drawn into conversations. They will soon get the message and stop asking you.
I know how irritating it can be when someone you love behaved in a way that upsets you, but you can't change her. You can only change the way you react, set some boundaries and get on with your own life.

sounds like essential thrombocythaemia to me? if anyone was wondering

it's officially classed as a cancer but extremely slow growing and treated more as a chronic haematological condition

She may be over egging it, or it may be worse than you think.
Or, she is suffering from anxiety.

I would be polite to those that enquire, but limit your
Comment to her being fine as far as you know.

tamarinda that's what I said. Do you have the condition?

@SpringIsSprung1

tamarinda that's what I said. Do you have the condition?

sorry i didn't see you'd already said it because i took too long to type! no but a friend's dad does

She takes a pill at 6pm. That's it.

You sound pretty harsh tbf. I wouldn't like to be on daily medication.