Eat God Damn You Son! (age 9) Any advice?!

[piechipsandbeans]

Has anyone got any advice? My nine year old has spent his life falling down the growth charts. He was discharged from Paediatrics as a toddler as he stabilised, but as he has got older it has become clear that he is not growing as his peers are. GP has been monitoring him and he has now slipped off the growth chart altogether.

I think part of the problem is that he has lost connection with feeling hungry. He had terrible reflux as a child and developed a terror of eating, he never took to weaning and has always had a small appetite and would happily not eat at all rather than eat food he does not like. Due to poverty when I was younger, I underate for a prolonged period and I did just get used to being a bit hungry all the time and so I did lose that normal connection with hunger and eating. I think my son may have this.

It is very noticeable that his younger brother (six) asks for food more often and eats more. Also when DS1's friends come around after school they always ask for a snack but DS never wants one.

He is very active but this does not seem to increase his appetite.

Anyone else experienced this and is there any advice as to what I can do to encourage his appetite?

My DS doesn't have the same issues as yours but he really has no interest in food and is extremely skinny. To him eating is just an inconvenience. I feel embarrassed when he goes to swimming lessons because he's skeletal compared to the other kids. I wish I knew how to get them eating properly. I've given up insisting he eats big meals (he just can't and it makes meal times stressful for us both). Our approach is now little and often and I focus on getting nutrients and calories in to him. Every hour or so I'll bring him a bowl of snacks - perhaps some nuts and dried fruit, a yogurt, a brioche, some olives or some dark chocolate etc. He's not saying he's hungry or asking for food but if I put food next to him he'll happily eat away mindlessly whilst playing. Although I realise it would be better for him to eat 3 big meals a day, this is the only way I can get him eating a decent amount of calories each day.

Following with interest. My 10-year old DS is also extremely skinny, classed as underweight. He does have a healthy appetite, but not to the same extent as his brothers. So I am aware I need to fatten him up, but cannot do so.

What I am trying to do is capitalise on what he does eat & drink. So, he loves milk so I have started buying gold top. He likes milkshake so I make our own with honey & cream. And things like this. Not easy but keep trying.

@SallyWD, maybe I will do that. I tend to ask him if he wants to eat and he always says, 'no'. I'll maybe just stick food down.
Its also hard as he has quite a limited range of foods he'll eat, so he won't eat quite a lot of snackable healthy foods, like cheese or nuts. I do want to increase the frequency with which he eats, hoping that will stimulate his appetite.

@confusedofengland I think this is a good idea, but his Dad insists on making food our son does not like to try to force him to expand his range. Then son does not eat it, and that's a meal missed. I have started ignoring his Dad being angry with me and just making DS another meal when that happens. I'm all for expanding his range but do it by adding new foods to a plate of stuff we know he likes. Not shouting at him to eat a whole plate of stuff we know he dislikes!

DH definitely needs to stop making him eat food he doesn’t like or telling him to go without. Meals times need to be less stressful not more stressful.
Offer new foods to try repeatedly regularly.
Would he eat more if he was involved in shopping and cooking?
Can you give him high calorie foods and vitamins? I’ve got a poor eater but gradually he’s improving?
Ask for a referral to the dietitians as well

Does his dad realise that if your DS doesn't eat that means no nutrients as opposed to he doesn't something super healthy but gets some nutrients ?

@CheshireChat

Does his dad realise that if your DS doesn't eat that means no nutrients as opposed to he doesn't something super healthy but gets some nutrients ?

His dad is an idiot. I've lost my patience with him. Everyone, EVERYONE, the paediatrician, dietetic paediatrician, health visitor, everyone says that its important to take the stress out of mealtimes but his Dad still carries on as if he can bully DS in to eating even though this never, EVER works. And if I don't support him he gets angry that I undermine him. Even though I have repeatedly told him I will not support his approach.

What is really happening, is that his Dad likes those foods so he makes the food he wants to eat when he is cooking.

I do try to give high calorie foods. He gets greek yoghurt or ice cream or some other high fat/ calorie dairy for pudding every day ( he won't eat cheese or drink milk).

I got him an expensive powder you can make into hot chocolate imported from India which is to help with child growth in that country.
He hated it and refused to drink it!

GP has referred him to some hospital team but goodness knows when we will see them, and she said they may refuse to take him on.

What does he like? Are there ways of increasing the calorie content of what he's already happy eating?

If his dad is as controlling with other things, then your son may be using food as something that he can make choices over.

Would his dad listen to professionals or similar?

I hate it when parents try to force their kids to eat food they definitely don’t like

My dh can be the same. Ds isn’t 100% keen on beans and if dinner is beans on toast, he asks to have his beans in a separate bowl.

Fine. I don’t care. He’s still eating it. It’s just separate.

Dh moans and bitches that he’s getting special privileges and he should just eat it.

I agree with giving your son food he will eat. Let him eat as much as he wants and encourage him to eat as many times as he can

Have you heard of ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder)? It sounds like this may be what he has - it’s an eating disorder that’s been fairly recently recognised, but is to do with fear of food/eating rather than body image. It often, but not always goes along with other sensory issues/ASD etc.
My son has this (undiagnosed but I’m sure of it). He eats only 18 foods (and that includes 4 different types of potato as separate items!). He is absolutely repulsed/terrified by the thought of being made to eat something not on his safe list- you cannot bribe/persuade/force him into it - I once offered in desperation to buy him an Xbox if he could eat a piece of chicken and he couldn’t do it. He doesn’t eat at school, or friends houses, or in big groups. The only thing that’s helped is reducing his anxiety around it by just letting him eat the things on his list - he is always offered some of what we have, but one “no thank you” and it is not mentioned again. He hasn’t increased safe foods at all, but is so much more calm at meal times.

Have you tried serving foods he does like along side one new thing to try and just removing all pressure?

I read this the other day...
www.bbc.com/news/uk-england-leicestershire-59688396

Sounds like you've got a dh issue more than anything else.

My nephew is very much like this so I've given this some thought. In your shoes I would 100% feed him the same meals every day as long as they're balanced. Worry about increasing his dietary repertoire later.

Sounds very difficult. Do you think you could get him interested in cooking with you? Try making it exciting and pleasurable. Build this up by making things out of the food he likes. Is there anything he really likes? Homemade versions can often be healthier and if the child makes them they are often more invested and in control of the process. They can tune stuff to exactly how they like them. Even if you only make biscuits you could put some good stuff in there.

I have ARFID. It’s really difficult. I physically cannot bring myself to eat new food or food I don’t like

I throw up if someone makes me.

I also can’t eat if I’m not hungry. I’ve gone days without eating because I wasn’t hungry. Again, can’t force myself to eat, will throw it up. I have to wait until I feel that small prickle of hunger and then I can eat

I was also going to suggest ARFID. My son has this so although he has a healthy appetite he’s too scared to eat anything not on his safe list and he is heartbreakingly thin. It sounds like you have good support from your medical team so it would be well worth seeing if they could refer you to a specific eating disorder specialist.
www.arfidawarenessuk.org/

Your husband is the real problem here. What a horrible, controlling twat of a man he is. No wonder your son has issues with food.

@RockAndRollerskate

Have you tried serving foods he does like along side one new thing to try and just removing all pressure?

This is what I do.

But I am more worried about just increasing his appetite and desire to eat. His range of foods is not great, but he does eat some fruits and veg, some meats, some dairy, some grains etc. Its okay. Its more how little he eats.

I think I am going to take control of meals from his dad. When he cooks I will tell him what to make for DS. He might moan at first but if I just tell him what to make he will probably do it.

Have you tried the pediasure shakes from boots? There a powder you add to milk to make a high protein milk shake

I have fresubin shakes on prescription that helps keep my weight up.

but he does eat some fruits and veg, some meats, some dairy, some grains etc. Its okay. Its more how little he eats.

That sounds like a good start. Is there any food he actively enjoys?

Can you try give him high calorie foods?

Will he eat peanut butter? That is something I try to give my ds who is like a rake. PB is high calorie. A peanut butter sandwich? Or peanut butter on toast?

And full fat milk to drink. I try get my ds to drink 2 cups a day.

Your partner / sons dad shouldn't be doing that. Probably why he is low in weight to be honest.

I wouldn't eat things I didn't like.

He should be being served things he does like alongside things he doesn't like / hasn't tried. And then encouraged to try the other bits.

I feel your pain. DS is 11 and had ASD and ADHD, meaning a combination of sensory aversions and anxieties about unfamiliar foods and burning off every single calorie through non-stop motion. He too looks weedy and gaunt compared to his peers and I worry about nutrition as he heads towards puberty.

Is your son NT? I ask because I know DS’s autism affects his ability to recognise hunger and whether he’s eaten enough. Sometimes I have to guess that he’s hungry because he gets really grumpy; he doesn’t always make the connection for himself. He’ll also sometimes declare himself “full” after just a few bites.

The situation with your son’s dad sounds horrible. DH gets frustrated with our DS too as he (DH) loves to cook and try new things. I just try and make sure there’s always something DS will definitely eat included, but it’s hard to keep everyone happy.

If he will eat a few foods ,I would just concentrate on tiny bits but very often. Make the whole thing mindless. Don't ask if he's hungry, just pop a plate of bits beside him. As for your nasty controlling husband......he'd be eating soup at a kitchen somewhere if it were me!